Lords Of The Earth Flame's Sexy Cave Romp

Intrigued by the name I decided to try out The Lords Of The Earth Flame [official site] it's a piece of interactive fiction that turned out to be interestingly flawed and very short. I think the text has actually been translated to English from another language – possibly Russian – so some of the turns of phrase seem a bit wonky but I ended up in my favourite gaming sex scene of recent times. To the point where apparently I wrote bits of it out ("Her full lips look sumptuous like a foreign ripe fruit, while her emerald eyes shine with a virgin purity”) and saved the file where I have now found it a few weeks later.

To set the scene, Imagine you are the guide of a trade caravan and you and your part have become trapped in a mountain cave in the middle of winter. You have gone over to assist a lady who was part of said caravan. I think she had hurt her leg or something?

"She thanks you and gives you a lovely smile. Only now that you notice how her satin hair shimmers in the lamplight, cascading to her shoulders in waves of golden locks. Her full lips look sumptuous like a foreign ripe fruit, while her emerald eyes shine with a virgin purity."

I think after that bout of smiling everyone was getting hungry.

"Making Cedric to understand there is no other way out, you persuade him to hand over his horse Sujuk. Herbert - a sturdy guy, formerly in the slaughtering business - takes up the dirty work. Soon, you'll eat a fried horsemeat."

I can't remember who Cedric was. He was definitely another member of the party but beyond that I can't remember. He is now Cedric the Horseless. It's probably a good thing that he had a horse, though, otherwise maybe he would have been Cedric the Cannibalised. Anyway, the horsemeat turns out to be pretty sexy.

"Looking into your eyes, Gerda takes the gift, carefully tasting the horsemeat. A few seconds later, she eagerly chews the bone, indulging her voracious appetite."

Gerda! That was her name! And as someone who will happily order ribs and investigate bone marrow while on dates, I feel like Gerda is a sound lady.

"Staring into space, the girl chews the food enthusiastically. Raising your hand to her face, you gently clean a bloodstain off her gentle, velvety lips."

I feel like this bloodstain wiping is the winter cave equivalent of cleaning a whipped cream splodge off a cute boy or girl's nose in a rom com. Imagine Jennifer Aniston gnawing a horse femur and getting a smudge of blood on her face. Matthew McConnaughey would then lean in and de-blood her face, letting his fingertips linger as she looked at him, self-conscious but enjoying his touch, horse femur dangling, forgotten, by her side..

"Having once again suppressed your hunger, you offer to examine Gerda's injured ankle. Pulling her foot out from under the rug, the girl humbly places it on your hands. Small and fragile like a crystal figure, the foot easily fits in your palms. The swelling was almost gone, while small scars from cuts on the pink-turned skin already started to heal."

"Glancing at the seductive shapes of her foot, you tenderly stroke it with your hand. You feel how Gerda shivers."

IT IS A ROM COM IN A CAVE. Jennifer Aniston is limping slightly and must accept your assistance although is still spirited and independent, but she is also warming towards you.

"Your views cross again. Freezing for a moment, your hand smoothly moves to the shin and slowly rises, lifting the hem of her dress. You lean forward with your entire body. Your lips and hers find each other and entwine in a passionate kiss..."

"This night you sleep not alone."

That's the equivalent of the fade out you get because a full on knobbing isn't really the domain of rom coms. They just fade out and then you cut to a shot of the morning after with them lying in bed and so on.

"You lie on a big bovine hide bedspread and bored playing with one of Sujuk's bones. Accidentally launching it at the ceiling, you wonder at a bright patch of light, followed by an unusual sound. You stand up and hold the lamp to its source. On the ground lies a gorgeous type of ruby with proper faceted form."

So… you kind of throw a horse bone at the roof and then find a ruby. I think at this point I abandoned Gerda and took an alchemist to explore the depths of… hell? Some other dimension? Who knows? But this sex scene has stuck with me, and I really really really feel like Jennifer Aniston needs to get this script sent to her.

It's currently £1.99 on Steam as there's a half price offer at the moment. Like I say, it's short and not great but is interestingly flawed enough to be entertaining at the sale price.