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Privates Not As Public As Hoped

That Zombie Cow's naughty-but-nice sex-ed shooter Privates won't be making an appearance on Xbox 360 thanks to Microsoft deeming its sexual content too sexy (even though it's educational and even though there's no actual sex and even though they'll happily show any amount of extreme violence) isn't RPSy news. I know this. I accept this.

However, it does reminds me, as I'm sure was the partial intention of ZC's statement on the 360 cancellation today, that the free PC version's had a whole heap of fixes and patches since launch day.

Which means it's a significantly more stable and compatible game about exploring giant orifices than the crash-happy thing it was at first. Which means you should give it another go. Which means you should go here. Granted we've posted about one of the patches before, but showing the chucklesome Time Gentlemen, Please devs some more love on a day when one of their projects just got canned is hardly unreasonable, no? And hey, the PC version's got better controls than the console one would anyway. And anti-aliasing. And terrain. And intelligence. And integrity. And oiled, muscly torsos.

Here! Go here!

And here's ZC's statement, in case you had a panic attack at the thought of clicking the other link earlier.

Privates, the unique shoot-‘em-up set inside peoples’ rude parts is to remain strictly PC-only following consultation with team Xbox.

“The guys at Xbox have been amazing,” said Dan Marshall of Zombie Cow Studios. “They’ve been really supportive and helpful throughout, but ultimately have advised that the game wouldn’t pass the Indie Games Peer Review process, purely due to its inherently sexual nature. As a result, if you want to play as a tiny little man blasting away inside someone’s innards, the only place to do it is privatesgame.com”

“It’s a shame, but it’s something we’d always pretty much assumed would happen.”

“Since launch, we’ve been working flat-out on the PC version of Privates, improving it and getting it running on as many different systems as possible. As a result, all of the pesky crashes and issues have finally been fixed up, and it’s now running smoother and better than ever before. If you had troubles getting it going at launch, it’s well worth having another quick try.”

Privates is a platform shooter in which you lead a teeny-tiny gang of condom-hatted marines as they delve into peoples’ vaginas and bottoms and blast away at all manner of oozy, shouty monsters. It’s rude, funny, bitingly satirical and technically pretty accurate if you don’t count the tiny people or the germs with teeth.

Privates boasts five whole levels of bug-busting action across a variety of gorgeous 3D locations, with a fully-voiced comedy script and a nutso soundtrack. You never know, you might even learn something handy about your downstairs-department.

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About the Author
Alec Meer avatar

Alec Meer


Ancient co-founder of RPS. Long gone. Now mostly writes for rather than about video games.