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Posts tagged “Diary”

Feature: The 'phant 'em menace

Ships in the knight: an Age Of Empires 2 match report

I've not posted about Age Of Empires 2 in a while, because there's been a lot of other things on, but I'm still plugging away with it - I start each day with a quick random match against the AI to keep my hand in, and once a week or so, I dare to enter the adrenaline-soaked APM hell of ranked multiplayer. I lose more…

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Feature: Sheer Benin brass

I test the reigns down in Africa: A Crusader Kings 3 diary

If I hadn't got in on Crusader Kings 2 shortly after it came out, I would have taken one look at its list of DLC (currently going for £184.65 on Steam, and that's with a discount) and noped right the hell out. Fortunately, the base game was already outstanding enough that I gladly supported it for our best games of the 2010s list. Most of…

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Feature: You come at the Pope, you best not miss

How fast can you die in Crusader Kings 3?

Yesterday, I dived into the magical world of themed Crusader Kings III playthroughs, with this sobering exploration of what a man's life might look like if he cared for nothing except banging giants. I may return to my nightmare re-imagining of C12th Estonia at some point, but not today. You see, today, there's science to be done.CK3 is, emphatically, all about planning for the long…

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Feature: Big time

I’ve already made an Estonian giant farm in Crusader Kings 3

High Chieftain Andyamo doesn't ask for much in life. In fact, he wants only two things. To live forever, and to bang every giant in Christendom. Crusader Kings 3, which comes out today, is a game where you very much get out what you put in. You get something, anyway. The sheer density and interconnection of the medieval RPG's many simulations mean that, pretty much…

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Feature: Also I think I met the devil.

How I nearly died on Minecraft’s title screen

As you may have seen already, the hillside lake shown on Minecraft's old title screen, which rotated slowly and blurrily between 2011 and 2018, has been located at last. The discovery of the world's seed is a whole story in itself, about how a group of people managed to deduce a single location from among the 18,446,744,073,709,551,616 worlds possible in Minecraft. That's about as many…

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Feature: In soviet russia, the watchtowers are all around you

I am the Tower Bully now: an Age Of Empires 2 match report

I've been having a bit of a rough time in my quest to become good at Age Of Empires 2: Definitive Edition. After my first ranked win, I had a streak of confidence-fuelled victories, and started to feel like maybe I was the Big Man. But oh, no. I was not. The wins took me out of the world of newcomers, into the wide band…

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Feature: The last, long wait

I have finished the sad tamogotchi game that is The Longing

This is the last entry in my diary of playing The Longing, a "sad tamagotchi" game that can take over a year to play. As it turns out, however, it only took me a few months. The first entry in the diary series is here, and you can read all of it here. It has been... emotional. You join us as Burnsy, which is what…

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Feature: Looking for love in all the wrong palaces

My quest to get married in Mount & Blade 2: Bannerlord

I met Arwa during a siege. She was a spearwoman of the Aserai. A fighty southerner who had been taken prisoner on four separate occasions, but still loved to go to war. She made me feel dizzy, a real knock-out. Or maybe that was the Imperial mace that cracked me across the skull. It's hard to say what mystery ailments arise from love, when you're…

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Feature: A beast with a mind… a mind… and fists!

The Tragedy of King Beef – a RimWorld: Royalty story, part one of two

Since there's good odds you're either stuck at home right now or are soon to be, I thought it might do us all good to have a bit of story time. And today, I want to tell you the story of King Beef. It is a tragedy: a tale told by an idiot, full of mace duels and uranium armour, and signifying nothing. Nothing except,…

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Feature: Off the rails

Minecraft archaeology 2: Thomas The Tank Engine’s bum

Earlier this week, after remembering that I'd populated the RPS Mince Raft server with thirty-odd mates from Twitter and then forgotten about it for four months, I put together an impromptu archaeological expedition, and went in to find out what the hell happened in there after it went dark. In Monday's post, we poked around the chaotic ruins of the server's derelict spawn town, where…

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Feature: "The mince is hollow, like a scotch egg."

I let the RPS Minecraft server go feral: a gallery

It all started so reasonably. Last July, I fancied having a bit more Minecraft in my life again, so I started a little Realms server for the RPS treehouse. Sin made a hovel. Astrid built a caravan. I bought a couple of friends in and we made a little town in a canyon. It was pleasant. But time moves on, and places change. By the…

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Feature: ♬ For a hill, men would kill, Tigers do not know ♬

I defeated both tigers and my enemy to win my first ranked Age Of Empires 2 game

Last week, after a lifetime of timidity, I finally bit the bullet and played my first competitive ranked game of Age Of Empires 2. Needless to say, I got battered. A big medieval boot stomped my fingers from the first rung of the ranked ladder, and I splashed back into the mire where I belonged. But after a week licking my wounds, practising build orders,…

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Feature: Going underground

Making strange friends and tripping on mushrooms in The Longing

We return to the dark, dank caverns of the underground, where A Shade faithfully waits, for 400 days, for their king to wake. If you need to catch up, The Longing is a game that takes approximately 400 days to play. You control A Shade, a little inkblot of a creature living deep in the ground. Although they are currently a devoted servant to the…

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Feature: The hurdiest of times, the gurdiest of times

How to reason with a kraken in Sea Of Thieves

Let us cast our minds back to pirate times now, as we embark on brand new adventures set in the sober nautical history simulation called Sea Of Thieves. In this intermittent chronicle, we'll be following the story of Captain Bartholomew Humungus, played by Nate, as he attempts to go down in history by completing the legendary 12 Labours of Pirate Hercules (which tasks Nate has,…

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Feature: My first ever ranked game!

I’ve decided to get really good at Age Of Empires 2

I've never particularly been one for competitive multiplayer games. I've played the odd bit of Overwatch in recent years, but mostly as a way to hang out with pals, and I quite enjoy the complete anonymity of ranked hearthstone, even though I'm guff at it. But I've always been massively scared to play strategy games against human opponents, in case it ruins the illusion that…

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Feature: The Cowboy will speak directly to you

True facts about beans: further cowboy adventures in Red Dead Redemption 2

All good things must come to an end. Fortunately for our souls, this maxim also applies to the adventures of disgusting Cowboys. After beasting herons, strangling cops, and drowning in swamps during what became the very darkest segment of the RPS Christmas livestream, it was finally time to hang up my snake-wrecking boots, drink my last tin of poorly-preserved, lukewarm peaches, and log out of…

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Feature: This city is a tar pit and I’m drowning in it

A strangling spree in Saint Denis – more adventures in Red Dead Redemption 2

Smash cut to: the vile, spluttering face of the Cowboy, who is drowning in a swamp. As his strength gives out and his legs stop kicking, those craggy features slip at last below the surface, turning sepia in the murk before vanishing entirely. A shaking hand, still crusted with alligator blood, claws for the sky as it follows him under. Then he is gone. His…

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Feature: “Nate, ur treating that alligator horribly”

Annihilating animals in Red Dead Redemption 2 – a video adventure

Just before Christmas, the RPS Treehouse got together for a marathon livestream to raise money for the British Red Cross. There was a Nidhogg tournament, a session of Blindfolded Hitman 2, and even a thrilling bout of competitive MS Paint. My role in all of this, however, was a bit more… rustic. I was summoned from my homestead in the Wild West Midlands, armed only…

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Feature: Click to very slowly move

The first week of The Longing: depressing royalist art and talking walls

You may recall that for some time now I have been quietly longing, lol, for The Longing, a "sad Tamagotchi" game where you, a small servant to a subterranean rock king, must hang about while he has a nap for 400 days. 400 real time days. This game takes over a year to finish. And it has multiple endings, which include reaching the surface, or…

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Feature: Nailed it

The Deep End: a Final Fantasy nightmare – Part 2: Complete Success

As some of you will no doubt remember, when I joined this site I made a promise: that by the end of 2019, I would complete the game so good its subtitle comes before its series title: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII. Well guess what? I did it! With just half an hour to go until midnight on December 31, I hung up my bustus…

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