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Posts tagged “Diary”

Feature: A beast with a mind… a mind… and fists!

The Tragedy of King Beef – a RimWorld: Royalty story, part one of two

Since there's good odds you're either stuck at home right now or are soon to be, I thought it might do us all good to have a bit of story time. And today, I want to tell you the story of King Beef. It is a tragedy: a tale told by an idiot, full of mace duels and uranium armour, and signifying nothing. Nothing except,…

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Feature: Off the rails

Minecraft archaeology 2: Thomas The Tank Engine’s bum

Earlier this week, after remembering that I'd populated the RPS Mince Raft server with thirty-odd mates from Twitter and then forgotten about it for four months, I put together an impromptu archaeological expedition, and went in to find out what the hell happened in there after it went dark. In Monday's post, we poked around the chaotic ruins of the server's derelict spawn town, where…

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Feature: "The mince is hollow, like a scotch egg."

I let the RPS Minecraft server go feral: a gallery

It all started so reasonably. Last July, I fancied having a bit more Minecraft in my life again, so I started a little Realms server for the RPS treehouse. Sin made a hovel. Astrid built a caravan. I bought a couple of friends in and we made a little town in a canyon. It was pleasant. But time moves on, and places change. By the…

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Feature: ♬ For a hill, men would kill, Tigers do not know ♬

I defeated both tigers and my enemy to win my first ranked Age Of Empires 2 game

Last week, after a lifetime of timidity, I finally bit the bullet and played my first competitive ranked game of Age Of Empires 2. Needless to say, I got battered. A big medieval boot stomped my fingers from the first rung of the ranked ladder, and I splashed back into the mire where I belonged. But after a week licking my wounds, practising build orders,…

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Feature: Going underground

Making strange friends and tripping on mushrooms in The Longing

We return to the dark, dank caverns of the underground, where A Shade faithfully waits, for 400 days, for their king to wake. If you need to catch up, The Longing is a game that takes approximately 400 days to play. You control A Shade, a little inkblot of a creature living deep in the ground. Although they are currently a devoted servant to the…

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Feature: The hurdiest of times, the gurdiest of times

How to reason with a kraken in Sea Of Thieves

Let us cast our minds back to pirate times now, as we embark on brand new adventures set in the sober nautical history simulation called Sea Of Thieves. In this intermittent chronicle, we'll be following the story of Captain Bartholomew Humungus, played by Nate, as he attempts to go down in history by completing the legendary 12 Labours of Pirate Hercules (which tasks Nate has,…

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Feature: My first ever ranked game!

I’ve decided to get really good at Age Of Empires 2

I've never particularly been one for competitive multiplayer games. I've played the odd bit of Overwatch in recent years, but mostly as a way to hang out with pals, and I quite enjoy the complete anonymity of ranked hearthstone, even though I'm guff at it. But I've always been massively scared to play strategy games against human opponents, in case it ruins the illusion that…

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Feature: The Cowboy will speak directly to you

True facts about beans: further cowboy adventures in Red Dead Redemption 2

All good things must come to an end. Fortunately for our souls, this maxim also applies to the adventures of disgusting Cowboys. After beasting herons, strangling cops, and drowning in swamps during what became the very darkest segment of the RPS Christmas livestream, it was finally time to hang up my snake-wrecking boots, drink my last tin of poorly-preserved, lukewarm peaches, and log out of…

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Feature: This city is a tar pit and I’m drowning in it

A strangling spree in Saint Denis – more adventures in Red Dead Redemption 2

Smash cut to: the vile, spluttering face of the Cowboy, who is drowning in a swamp. As his strength gives out and his legs stop kicking, those craggy features slip at last below the surface, turning sepia in the murk before vanishing entirely. A shaking hand, still crusted with alligator blood, claws for the sky as it follows him under. Then he is gone. His…

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Feature: “Nate, ur treating that alligator horribly”

Annihilating animals in Red Dead Redemption 2 – a video adventure

Just before Christmas, the RPS Treehouse got together for a marathon livestream to raise money for the British Red Cross. There was a Nidhogg tournament, a session of Blindfolded Hitman 2, and even a thrilling bout of competitive MS Paint. My role in all of this, however, was a bit more… rustic. I was summoned from my homestead in the Wild West Midlands, armed only…

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Feature: Click to very slowly move

The first week of The Longing: depressing royalist art and talking walls

You may recall that for some time now I have been quietly longing, lol, for The Longing, a "sad Tamagotchi" game where you, a small servant to a subterranean rock king, must hang about while he has a nap for 400 days. 400 real time days. This game takes over a year to finish. And it has multiple endings, which include reaching the surface, or…

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Feature: Nailed it

The Deep End: a Final Fantasy nightmare – Part 2: Complete Success

As some of you will no doubt remember, when I joined this site I made a promise: that by the end of 2019, I would complete the game so good its subtitle comes before its series title: Lightning Returns: Final Fantasy XIII. Well guess what? I did it! With just half an hour to go until midnight on December 31, I hung up my bustus…

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Feature: Stop hogging the game

Planet Zoo is, temporarily, a game about mass-producing knackered warthogs

Something has... gone wrong with Planet Zoo. I think it'll be fixed easily enough, possibly even today, and I'm still having fun with it as it is. But, in the game's franchise mode at least, the promise of "build your own zoo, with whatever you like in it" has quietly been phased out for "in the grim darkness of the international animal trade, there is…

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Feature: The last ride of the Wastes of Space

Death and betrayal aboard a vast steel space spider

COMMANDER'S LOG: SPACE TIME 9333333333333-[[[[[CHECKSUM ERROR:ℂlⓞ匚Ҝ'𝐒 B𝓸ⓁĻ𝓞𝓬ⓚ𝕤єᵈ}}#....[ Alice B: Oh no. I'm back here. It takes me a minute to work out where "here" is, but my hindbrain's way ahead of me, already shuddering in revulsion. I'm in the bloody spider. Or rather, the gigantic vessel that looked like one. The name comes to my tongue like acid reflux: The Loveless. My self-built prison, and…

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Feature: All that glitters is gold

The RPS minecraft server has devolved into a hellish Shrek larp

Happy Halloween, citizens! When midnight comes and October ends, I, Ghoastus, will be banished once more into the spirit realm - at least until something sufficiently Roman happens to summon me back. I will miss you all. But before that dread hour arrives, there is time yet for one more terribly frightening story. It concerns my friend and colleague Nate, who started an unofficial RPS…

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Feature: Too many popes

We played Crusader Kings 2 in real life and it got weird

Although we won’t be able to play Crusader Kings 3 until next year, last weekend I got to try the next best thing - a massive game of Crusader Kings 2 without a single PC involved. As part of the celebrations at PDXcon, Paradox turned the interior of the Nalepastrasse radio station (formerly the broadcast hub for communist East Germany) into a vast map of…

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Feature: Not all dogs go to heaven

Hounded Out: The adventures of a Minecraft hermit, finale

Previously on Hounded Out: I have brought food, and have made peace with the townies. But after spending the night in the cursed place, my precious dog, Goat, has been taken to Hell. I'd never been to Hell. It seems obvious, right? I never go to hell because of course I don't. Why would I want to? Spare me your "endgame" nonsense. My endgame is…

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Feature: Tillage the village

Hounded Out: The adventures of a Minecraft hermit, part three

Previously on Hounded Out: My dogs and I narrowly survive a heroic rescue of the townies in their sinister underground excavation. Our generosity rebuffed, we head North, seeking peace in the wilderness. Travelling with three easily distracted dogs makes it difficult to get lost, as you retread your path every few minutes to retrieve them. This has probably saved me from getting lost for months,…

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Feature: In on the ground floor

The Basement of Curiosity: Season One – recap and index

Dwarf Fortress might be the most interesting game ever made. It might even be the best. But it’s certainly not the most accessible. It looks weird, its control scheme appears to be lifted from some sort of alien church organ, and a good proportion of its features are in fact collisions between the many, many bugs that have sprung up in its thirteen-year development history.…

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