Posts Tagged ‘foot-to-ball’

FIFA Ultimate Team On Player Upgrade Spree

WHO EVEN ARE YOU ALL?

Foot-to-ball isn’t actually on the list of “things I do not understand”. I followed it closely for a few years in the mid nineties so I’m not a stranger to how the game works. My reference points, however, are outdated and weirdly specific and I have never played FIFA. This post about FIFA Ultimate Team player updates can only go well then…

N.B. Usually Graham would be doing that stuff but he and John are on a “coffee adventure” so here I am.

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Dini And The Wonderkids: A History Of Football Games

Certainly within the rules

FOOTBALL. It’s been on your telly for the last few weeks and it’s staying there for a few weeks more. FOOTBALL. Every supermarket is full of products adorned with the looming faces of men who kick balls for a living. FOOTBALL. It’s only gone and found its way onto RPS as well.

The World Cup comes but once every four years and it’s a time of celebration and eventual heartbreak for many, and numbing ennui for many more. In honour of the tournament so far, which has been refreshingly full of goals and only the occasional nil-nil draw or shoulder-chomp, I’ve written a brief but definitive history of football games.

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Extra Time: Football Manager Interview Part 2

The next version might be hex-based (not really)

As we enter the second part of a marathon conversation with Sports Interactive’s Miles Jacobson, I begin by checking that the half time oranges have done the trick. Once we’re both warmed up and ready to go, talk turns to Football Manager’s place in the wider world of games and Miles’ background in the world of music. When we’re not discussing Jesus Jones and Blur, we’re pondering whether comparing Football Manager to open world games is instructive. Part one is here.

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Talk Of The Terrace: Football Manager Interview

Football Manager is an enormously complex simulation. On a global level, the game tracks thousands of careers, ambitions and relationships, and on any given match day, weather, morale, skills and individual personal issues can contribute to moments of brilliance or abject failure. Talking to Sports Interactive’s director Miles Jacobson, I found that the simulation model is even more elaborate in some areas than I’d expected. Read on to find out about the game’s expanding narrative engine, how climate change is forcing the team to update the code that generates weather patterns, why the ugliest aspects of football have no place in FM and how a non-contract player’s family situation might prevent him from playing for your club.

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It’s All Over: FIFA Manager 14 Is The Last In The Series

Like Manchester City versus Tottenham or whatever.

Football is a game of two halves, and so is this post. Snarky FC kicks off.

EA Sports have announced that FIFA Manager 14 will be the last in the series. Which is probably just as well, because those games were rubbish. They’re the equivalent of when footballers launch their own line of cologne. It’s an obligatory brand extension which makes a lot of money for everyone involved, but the only people who should buy it are those who want to douse their lives with the shallow, stench-ridden work of millionaires.

Let me pass this ball along.
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Wot I Think: Football Manager 2014

Football never stops. At this very moment, as you’re reading these words, people are playing football all over the world and every kick of the ball massively matters to someone. Presumably. Perhaps the football is happening too far away for you to see though, or perhaps you’d like to have more control over the actions of the men playing with the football. If that is the case, be thankful that Football Manager 2014 is out this week because it is the best game about managing a football team. Here’s wot I think.

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Foot Like A 3D Engine: Football Manager 2014

Have there ever been two foot-to-ball posts on RPS during a single twenty four hour period? I’d go back and search through the archives but I can hear Kenneth Baubles, the ill-fated librarian, dragging his pegleg around back there. Best not to disturb him. Whatever the case, we’re almost back-to-back with balls today. First it was Graham’s turn to give FIFA a good kicking, although he was wearing fluffy slippers at the time so ended up delivering a gentle foot caress. Now I’m stepping up to the spot and staring at Football Manager 2014’s new 3D match engine as it throws shapes between the goalposts in an effort to confuse me. Below, you can see the revamped engine’s first public appearance.

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FIFA 14 Patches And Deflates Its Foot-To-Balls

A foot-to-baller, yesterday.

FIFA 14 came out last month, bringing with it the set of updates we’ve come to expect from the yearly foot-to-ball series: slower running, better balls, new types of kicking, some new names of millionaires, four new lines of commentary which don’t make sense at first but, through mind-penetrating repetition, destroy cherished memories from your childhood and replace them with an image of Martin Tyler’s face, rotating, his eyes on fire, his mouth chanting some secret language.

Now there’s a patch that tweaks all of the above in slight but significant ways.
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FIFA Foot-To-Ball 14 Demo Out, Doesn’t Like You Much

There are a contingent of RPS readers who hate it when we say “foot-to-ball”. Quite why foot-to-ball is a problem for these foot-to-ball-hating people is hard to fathom. I mean, the sport’s called foot-to-ball, and always has been called foot-to-ball, ever since foot-to-ball was invented by Geoffrey Foot-To-Ball in 1986. Some people just like to complain, I guess. Anyhow, you can now get your hands on the demo version of FIFA Foot-To-Ball 14, if you’ll only install Origin.

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Quick Pitch: Football Manager 2014 Trailers

Left a bit. A bit more. More! Too far!
I exist outside of popular culture*. I’ve only just started to watch The Shield, and I mostly listened to Use Your Illusion II this weekend. So I had to Google ‘Gareth Bale’ to find out why everyone was talking about him, which in turn reminded me that Football Manager 2014 is coming out, and that I should get with the times. The managerial machination sim would have prepared me for the news about a Welsh person’s move to a Spanish place for more money that exists in space and time, and it would also have told me about his abilities, stats, training schedule, and possibly his cup size, but it’s not out yet and I refuse to be left behind again by looking at 2013’s information. I’ll wait for 2014’s release, and keep up by watching these videos of the game in action.

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Foot-To-Landmine: FootLOL – Epic Fail League

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If I had just the right test tube and one of Mr Bunsen’s Bestest Burners, I reckon I could scientifically prove that FootLOL: Epic Fail League is the worst title since Henry VIII appointed a young cleric as his Royal Glans Grater, purely to irritate the delicate sensibilities of Pope Clement VII. As it is, all I have is a broken slide rule and a warped protractor so you’ll have to judge the title for yourself, without the guiding hand of Science to enlighten you. The game itself is currently loitering in the vicinity of Steam Greenlight and there’s an online demo. It has little in common with actual foot-to-ball, although there are teams of men hoofing a sphere about the place, being more concerned with landmines and comedic chaos. It’s quite good.

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Foot-to-Ball Commander 2013 Demonstration Edition

Someone I know knows his wife

This year as with every year, there is a brand new edition of Sports Interactive’s management goliath Foot-to-Ball Commander. The 2013 version is out next week, in fact. New features this year include over 17 new types of decomposing tobacco breath odorants to add to your manager’s Unhinged Bellow attack, the option to hurl the most racist members of your premiership team into the heart of the sun and the exclusive Gary Lineker’s Leaving Your Wife Of 20 To Shack Up With An Underwear Model Time Attack mode.

Also there’s a demo, out now on Steam.
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Pro Evolution Soccer 2013’s 2012 Demo #2

don't ask me to explain

When I was still capable of leaving the house without needing to have a nice sit down on the first bench I saw, I couldn’t make it to any sort of social gathering without bearing unwilling witness to some manner of tedious debate about how and why Pro Evolution Soccer was much better than FIFA. There were gesticulations, there were phrases like ‘ball control’ and there were near-orgasmic facial expressions. It was Quake III vs Unreal Tournament, but for bores. As far as I can tell – by which I mean by maintaining a safe distance from anyone who might ever mention it, but somehow wandering into stray comments nonetheless – FIFA now has the foot-to-ball fan’s favour once again, with Konami’s former king now on something of a back foot. I could well be wrong that, though. Listen, I’m just trying to fill space before inserting a link to the demo. Have I made it far enough yet?
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FIFA 12 Foot-To-Ball Demo Impressions

Yeah! Foot-to-ball! It's our favourite!

In one minute I’ll be announcing the announcement that the new demo of FIFA 12 will be being announced in a few minutes. That’s a new demo for FIFA 12 that I will tell you has been released just as soon as I’ve announced that I’m announcing its imminent announcement. There’s a FIFA 12 demo out! Wait, damn, that was too soon.

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Foot-to-Ball Manager 2012th Edition

Would you rather have seen the numbers? I don't know what the etiquette is for sports management games

You foot-to-ball chaps sure don’t get bored easily. I’d get fed up of any game after 2012 years – why, I’d even be willing to bet my ardour for X-COM would have cooled by just the 819th sequel. There’s no stopping plucky Brit studio Sports Interactive though: they’ve just announced Foot-to-Ball Manager 2012, which as is the custom contains a raft of new features, improved graphicsability, a whole lot more foot, and much more ball.

In the years to come, 50% of men will only buy one game each year – whatever the new Call of Duty is. The other 50% will only buy Football Manager. By 2018, the two will combine into Weapon Unlock Manager, and no other game will ever be required.
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Impressions: New Star Soccer 5

Rioters! I'd know their type anywhere

A curious new leisure hobby for the younger man has lately taken the continent and the colonies by storm, and your intrepid gentlemen reporters at the Rock, the Paper and Shotgun feel duty-bound to investigate this ‘sport’ the filthy foreigns have dubbed ‘foot-to-ball’.

We couldn’t possibly sully our fine, firm, perfect bodies on the pitch and at the risk of a physical encounter with one of the careening yahoos who profess to be experts at this activity, you understand, but fortunately we’ve been able to simulate the experience via unsettlingly but admittedly highly effective digital magicks. New Star Soccer 5 recreates every element of foot-to-ball, from the foot to the ball and everything in between, within the comfort, safety and seasonal warmth of one’s own manor.
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Foot That Ball! New Star Soccer 5 Trailer

Don't foot this one. It's on a screen.

As Britain’s leading expert on foot-to-ball, I find the irreverence of games like New Star Soccer 5 to be deeply offensive toward “the lovely game”. How can someone watch something as astounding, as gorgeous, as sexually profound, as last week’s round of foot-to-balling between the United Rovers and West Byfleet Consolidated not be moved to tears? New Star Games’ new trailer for their latest simulation contains slight hints of not taking this most important of matters nearly seriously enough.

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FIFA Manager 11: Foot-To-Ball-To-Demo

This is both the scariest and the most confusing thing I've seen all day.

FIFA Manager 11 really should be a game about managing FIFA. [At this point please insert some jokes about how ineptly FIFA may well be run, and how one would manage it better, because I haven’t the faintest clue. Maybe something about refusing cameras that can see if goals are scored? Is that FIFA? Or is that UEFA? Or is that a town in Mexico?] There’s a demo of this latest incarnation of the not-as-good-as-Football-Manager series, in which you can (not) find out. It gives you six months of play (game time, dummy) but allows you to carry over a save file into the full game should you be too bereft to start the whole insane process over again. In conclusion, baseball.

Daily Rag: Gamers Addicted To Foot-to-ball

Another victim of foot-to-ball falls victim.

Games psychotherapist, Stephen Bishop, has told the Daily Rag that games players are showing an increasingly worrying addiction to football. Players of Modern Warfare 2, Grand Theft Auto IV, and Peggle are apparently spending up to one and a half hours playing the sport without food, rest, or any form of videogaming.

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