“Admire the Chief’s feather headdress, his wives’ shameless outfits and the adorable little faces of their red-skinned offspring. Feeding time is not to be missed!”

If that excerpt from the XIXth Century Search Engine hasn’t caused your sides to split, don’t worry – there’s more. Ubisoft sent news of their latest AssCreed [official site] marketing initiative this morning, calling it “a rich historical research tool designed to look just like the search engines our great-great-great-grandparents used in 1868”. I clicked on it expecting an irritating collection of steampunk iDevices and mustachioed memes. What I found was somehow worse than that.

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“The Nvidia Shield already enables users to go literally anywhere,” says the press release that dropped in my mailbox. OK. I know some people might think they’ve changed the definition, but that’s like trying to argue that GIF is pronounced with a ‘j’ sound. It’s wrong no matter who says it. Does the Nvidia Shield allow me to go to Jupiter? Can I wield its strange handheld form while sat inside a physical manifestation of the concept of childhood opportunity, where summers felt endless and forests seemed to possess some fantastic secret deep within? Does it allow me to play games from inside a cat’s butthole?

No. But probably its new update would allow me to stream games from my PC to my couch or TV, and that’s pretty neat I guess.
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