Christmas is coming! You haven't bought enough presents yet! The ones you have bought are rubbish! Your family are all going to say terrible things about you behind your back! Auntie Linda thinks you're even more despicable than Cousin Gertrude!
Pfft, leave those eggnags to their traditions. You? You deserve to wrap yourself up in a lovely warm videogame. But which one will you be playing this weekend? If it helps, these are ours.
Graham ambushed me on my first day back to work last week with review code for no-goal building/survival oddity Kenshi. I said 'yes' because I figured he'd go easy on me after three months off.
He did not go easy on me. Kenshi is fascinating, but its scale and openness means I'd need a lifetime to review it. I'll see you again in 25 years.
I will probably dive back into Assassin's Creed Odyssey this weekend, because that there new DLC is out and I want to have a go on it. This will be done in between frantic, almost last minute Christmas shopping.
This weekend I'll be playing the new Nintendogs, which is to say I have a dog now and I'll be spending all of my time with her. She's very cute. But I'll probably play a bit more of The Hex, and the new Two Point Hospital Bigfoot DLC. I'm hoping to thrash all my friends (and sever all my friendships) this weekend on Super Smash Bros Ultimate too.
Alice is dead, having contracted an acute case of Spending All Night Heroically Posting About The Game Awards.
I was excited to learn that skinny souls 'em up Ashen came out during the Game Adverts. So maybe I will play some of that. But also some Hitman 2 . A little murder in Mumbai. Some slaying in suburbia. Carnage in Colombia. A bit of getting caught dragging a body across the floor in Miami and freezing in the act like a scared and deadly deer in Miami. Just Hitman things.
I will be playing three games, neither of which are on PC and only one of them is technically speaking a game. I will be playing a detective game where I find my suitcase that I lost earlier today because I'm a muppet, a multiplayer game where myself and friends try to eat as much Christmas-y food as possible, and a fighting game for the Switch with the words "Smash" "Bros" and "Ultimate" that you probably haven't heard of, so I won't bother boring you by explaining it..
I'm reviewing Desert Child, which Brendan sold to me as being about racing hoverbikes and eating noodles. That suggested not just a set of mechanics to me, but a tone and a world and it turns out... Yep, it is the thing I thought it would be and wanted it to be. The review will be up Tuesday to explain whether it's actually any good, though.
I shall, as ever, not be able to play any games this weekend that aren't on my telephone. But that does mean I shall be playing more (and more) Meteorfall, which is completely amazing, and if you're enjoying the likes of Slay The Spire I implore you to grab a copy.
I'm sticking with Artifact, for the time being. The office apparently isn't nerdy enough to sign up for the tournament I tried to organise, so I'll be playing in a pal's one instead. Like most games, Artifact is at its best when you can hear the howls of your opponent.
I'm also hoping to take a second run at Obra Dinn, because everyone keeps telling me it's brilliant.
It's an interesting time to be playing Fortnite right now, what with Season 7 introducing a comfy blanket of snow across a third of the map, and those new overpowered-but-still-so-darn-fun Stormwing Planes. I fully expect to spend much of my weekend barrelling through the sky or fireballing myself into the snow.
Then again, I now see Supergiant Games has just announced Hades, and it's available right now in early access on the Epic Games Store. Yeah, that's my weekend (and my December) gone.
But you, dearest reader, what are you playing?