"Various improvements to horse behavior". That was a patch note Marsh showed me last week. I had hoped it was one of God's own patch notes and He was finally going to address the problems with those four-legged jerks but apparently it was CD Projekt Red talking about The Witcher 3 [official site] and the upcoming 1.07 patch. Disappointing.
"What's the problem with these digital horses then? Why are we fixing them when real ones are left wandering about?" I asked Alice as I pointed my beer at her in an accusatory manner.
She tells me that when she summons hers sometimes it stands on the wrong side of a fence and is confused and stupid. I don't know any horses personally but they tend to tower over me in a menacing way when they are in the vicinity and always look like they are up to no good. Alice's description sounded like a thing I imagine a real horse would do so I decided to check the finished patch notes for further explanation. I mean, so far it sounded like TOP NOTCH HORSE AI.
"Fixes an issue whereby the player's horse would often stop abruptly before bridges or other narrow passages."
That still sounds like really good horse AI to me. Or any supposedly domesticated animal with whom you can enter into a battle of wills.
"Fixes a rare issue where the player's horse would not fall to the ground properly."
That's more interesting. Horse swooning? Unless they mean dying. Do they mean dying? I didn't know companion horses could die in games until Red Dead Redemption happened and I rode my horse off a cliff thinking it would be fine and then it stopped moving so I tried to get back on it and then there was red all over the screen and I had flayed my horse because it was dead.
"Fixes an issue where in certain circumstances gravity ceased to apply to the player's horse."
... Yeah, okay. I guess at least in real life I don't have to be worrying a horse might suddenly start menacing me from a hovering position.
You can read the full changelog over on the official site. In addition to horse things it'll include a heap of quest bug fixes, the removal of some loot/money exploits and some performance improvements. CD Projekt RED say the patch is "almost here". They delayed last week's lot of free DLC to focus on this update.
Side note: If you add in patch 1.05 which had "Geralt's clothes will no longer be wet after leaving the menu" I think The Witcher 3 might be my new favourite source of patch note entertainment.