Doom At 30: All classic enemies ranked by how much fun they'd be at a 30th birthday party
Just don't ask them to play Pass The Parcel, they'd rip and tear that thing to shreds
The party poppers are out, the finger food is ready and waiting to be served, and the guest list for Doom's 30th birthday party is well and truly set. Well, it would be if Doomguy ever lowered the drawbridge to his flying space castle high above the Earth's orbit. I did try and get a radio signal out earlier, but the grumpy sod never responded. Probably too busy organising his trophy case in his man cave, to be honest. But let's face it. Doomguy wouldn't be much fun at a birthday party anyway. He'd be too busy ripping and tearing into his presents to give anyone the time of day, let alone a polite thank you, and then he'd be working on ripping and tearing apart said presents in a display of strength and machismo.
So Doom's hellspawn have got together to throw their own party for the occasion, and let me tell you, they're having a riotous good time all by themselves. Well, most of them are, anyway, as there are some demons here that wouldn't know how to have fun even if was seared across their skulls with the beam of a BFG9000. Here's every classic Doom enemy ranked on a scale of the most miserable wallflowers to the life and (undead) soul of the party.
13. Zombieman, Shotgun Guy and Heavy Weapon Dude
I'm lumping all the human fodder enemies together right at the bottom here because you can just tell this miserable lot don't have a single ounce of party energy in them whatsoever. As soon as they arrive at the venue, they'd go straight to rounding up all the available chairs to go and sulk in a corner and nurse numerous pints with a lost, sad look in their eyes. In some ways, I can't blame them. These toerags have been the butt of every Doomguy joke for decades, so it's not surprise they'd be feeling a bitter about it.
12. Baron Of Hell and Hell Knight
The natural born bouncers of any demonic birthday party, these serious lads will snort and stamp their hooves if they think anyone's having more fun than they are. They're quite a dour presence, really - all snarls and furrowed brows - and they'd radiate bad vibes for the entire night. They'd keep the riff-raff out, sure, but they'd be terribly grumpy about it at the same time.
11. Mancubus
What's a demon to do when you've only got rocket launchers for hands? Without a doubt, the Mancubus would be instantly volunteered to run the end of the night fireworks display and nothing else. After all, he's got to stay sober to make sure all the festivities go off without a hitch.
10. Pain Elemental
The maître d' of the whole affair, the Pain Elemental would be resigned to parping out more drinks-bearing Lost Soul staff to serve the waiting hordes, and then be constantly anxious about overcrowding and breaking the venue's fire and safety regulations. And when everyone does eventually run out of room to shake some moves on the dancefloor, the Pain Elemental would be the first one to get thrown out the door into the cold.
9. Imp
Born movers and shakers and known to hide a hot flaming trick up their scaly sleeves, the Imps are a pretty good hang at any party. Their ability to conjure fireballs in the palm of their hand does get a bit one-note after a while, but they make a very good first impression.
8. Lost Soul
When they're not shooting across the room transporting drinks with their bare teeth (and occasionally showering guests in clouds of shattered glass and alcoholic rain from biting too hard), Lost Souls are tearing it up on the dancefloor and having a very good time indeed. They've got so much energy they just don't know what to do with it all. Their short tempers mean they do have a tendency to occasionally explode and get up in people's faces, but what's a party without a bit of good-natured argy-bargy?
7. Pinky
They've sure got a pair of lungs on them, those Pinkys. The first to break out the karaoke machine and bust out some moves to keep energy levels high, these guys always show up at the right time to give a party its second wind. Just don't let them near the buffet, or they'll absolutely clean you out.
6. The Cyberdemon
The big VIP. Everyone looks forward to the Cyberdemon turning up. They're the one that makes a big entrance, makes an even bigger dent on the food and drink, and goes absolutely bananas on the dancefloor for all of 30 minutes before retreating to the back to have a big sit down for the rest of the night.
5. Cacodemon
The original disco-cum-beach ball of the Doom party scene, the Cacodemons are the natural purveyors of party games. They love being bounced around by their fellow demons, and they've also been known to leap out from cakes, wrap themselves up as prank pass the parcel gifts, and sit open-mouthed as makeshift beer pong cups. They absolutely love it.
4. Icon Of Sin
Arguably the first and original doughnut wall, the Icon Of Sin might not be able to partake of many party delights themselves - what with their biomechanical goat head being part of the literal furniture of the building - but the pleasure and fun they provide to others is immense. It's able to spawn endless diversions to entertain the masses, be a literal shoulder to cry on when things get a bit too much, and I wouldn't be surprised if their eyes doubled up as searing hot spotlights for the inevitable late-night dance-offs. Every party needs an Icon Of Sin on the wall.
3. Arachnotron and Spider Mastermind
With their many legs and even bigger brains, these fiends are the kings and queens of the dancefloor. They know all the best moves, and can execute them with astonishing speed and technical skill - and the crowd loves them for it. They never get tired either, thanks to their boundless supply of plasma energy, and can blast out any song of your choosing from their built-in body speakers. You can always count on the spider lads for a good boogie.
2. Revenant
Their jet packs only come out for very special occasions, but when you've got built-in confetti guns mounted to your shoulders, Revenants are definitely the demons having the most fun at any demon birthday party (well, almost). This lot are always getting into scrapes, bashing into furniture (occasionally losing all structural integrity in the process before jiggling back together again), and you can always hear them cackling away as they pretend to chug vast quantities of alcohol through their empty ribcages. Every good anecdote always starts with a Revenant doing something stupid at a party. It's just the rule.
1. Arch-Vile
This guy just doesn't know when to call it quits, and is exactly the kind of hero you need at the end of a long night. When everyone's starting to flag after one too many drinks, the Arch-Vile's insatiable desire to keep the party going is truly astonishing. Without fail, he will pick you back up again whenever you fall to your knees in exhaustion, rushing to your side in double-quick time to revive you when spirits are low. He'd probably hold your hair back while you vommed in the corner, too, if you asked him nicely. The unsung hero of any big night out, there simply is no party without the magnificent Arch-Vile.