RPS Criminal Acts Special: Deus Ex 3 Break-In

By Kieron Gillen on September 30th, 2008 at 2:15 pm.

Courtesy of Alec Meer's Evil Photoshop Fingers

There’s been some complaints that games writing is lacking hard-hitting investigative journalism. With the news that PC Zone’s forthcoming 200th issue will be the first public unveiling of Deus Ex 3, I saw the opportunity to change all that. I know where PC Zone’s London office is. I’m a skilled veteran of many immersive sims. And I have a trenchcoat and can easily buy a pair of shades.

I can break into PC Zone’s office and steal their assets!

So I gave it a shot.

That’s me up in Baker Street, outside the Future London Offices. You’ll see more of the trench-coat. I have pockets full of gizmos and a pair of five-quid early-nineties guitarist-in-bad-industrial-band shades. And I have a plan. Or several plans anyway, most of which are bad plans, but that’s not the point. This is Deus Ex – the multiple routes are the important thing. It doesn’t matter if any of them are any good.

Anyway, here’s me posturing some more…

First step was to circle the building, looking for a back exit or some manner of man-size vent I could crawl through. I know how it works. But it appears that the architect of Future London didn’t go to the Ion Storm Crawling-Only-Please school of building design. I have to take a more brute force approach.

I hang around outside, pretending to use my phone datalink, watching people leave the building and go for a smoke. One of my plans involves striking up a conversation with one of them, and then just breezing on through. Problem being, the smokers look like the sort of people who’d shy (or run) away if I started to talk. And it appears any of my games journalist comrades in the building don’t smoke, probably worried about losing that 1HP from every pack.

So I go to Plan B. I wander inside, have a quick chat to the lady behind the desk (I take the “I’m trying to break in – don’t mind me approach”), realise I can’t just sign in the guest book as there is no guest book (JC DENTON, clearly) and sidle my way up to the main door. I find something that’s terribly familiar blocking my way.

I know what to do here.

0

4

5

1

The Door remains closed. Whoever designed this building hasn’t a bloody clue. I resort to the brute force multitool method, a little dispirited that I have to use my resources already.

Which doesn’t work either. Being JC Denton is harder than you may have expect. Maybe I set my life to realistic or something.

Not being dispirited however. I have one ace in the hole. In the true Deus Ex fashion, I can bring someone inside my conspiracy. I call my Deep Throat inside the building.

It’s Quinns!

He’s looking out for trouble with his eagle-eyes here. Note his slightly stiff and unconvincing animation, which is very Deus Ex. We try and have a Deus Ex style conversation, but neither of us can remember enough quotes from Anarchist philosophers, so we just give up. He opens the door, allowing me to creep into the main Future offices. Safe at a distance I hide, starting to scope out the Zone office…

Worth apologising at this point – as the action hots up, the photography gets worse. I haven’t time stay still when my life is on the line. You do understand, yeah? Anyway – I’m crouching behind some of Official X360 Magazine’s office dividers, looking down the office at Zone. That’s Editor Will Porter’s head you can see back there.

At which point I start to crawl across the office floor, probably virtually invisible. I’d imagine.

I manage to get to the other side of the PC Zone office, where Disc Editor Ed Zitron is normally sitting. From there, you can crouch up and take photo of Mr Porter’s Computer.

I’m within one and a half metres of the world’s first Deus Ex 3 shots. I trust that those in the DX community with those photo-analytic tools they use in Bladerunner will use enhancement software to change the angle to the other side and allow us to examine it. That’ll be well fancy.

But I couldn’t trust that. I had to be sure. I had to get shots of the screen itself. As the glance from Will in the above photo suggests, I’ve somehow been spotted. I needed to move fast. So run-mode engaged, I pop around the other side of the screen.

I take the photo!

Too late. Alas, far, far too late.

At which point the vengeful PC Zone staff are upon me.

“Can you confirm that Deus Ex 3 a prequel?”
TWONK!
“Will we see a repeat of the arguably console-compromised design choices of Invisible War?”
TWONK!
“What Russian philosophers are being explored this time?”
TWONK!
“How many levels are there?”
TWONK!
“What’s the Quicksave key?”
TWONK!
“Quickload?”
TWONK!

I begin to suspect the only answers that’ll be forthcoming will be expressed in the international language of hurting. I’ve got the message and, health-bar plumetting, I have to leave.

I’ll add that since engaging in my break-in on Friday, it’s come to light that Zone members Blyth, Porter and Sefton are to leave the magazine to follow outside interests. Which, as far as I can ascertain, is corporate-coded speech for them being executed due to this disastrous security breach. I regret nothing. Today, we kneel only to Truth.

I’d try again, as I think I’ve learned a lot by my failure, and think it’ll be easier with all the staff dead, but the issue’s out on October 9th and there’s not enough time to get some better Biomods installed.

I’m sorry, guys.

, , , .

118 Comments »

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  1. Gap Gen says:

    Did you try crouch-walking? Did you hide until they forgot you were there? Did you taser them one by one when their friends backs were turned?

  2. AndrewC says:

    You should have brought a 360 along.

    And used the console cheats.

  3. Feet says:

    I’m disappointed you didn’t think to disable the security camara before using the stun rod on one of the smokers\receptionist and steal their access cards. That’s what JC would have done.

  4. Okami says:

    The way I see it, you didn’t explore all options.

    Why didn’t you just buy a gun, break in, shoot everyone on sight and then gather all the info you need?

  5. Nallen says:

    Ahhhaha. Great :)

  6. Nilocy says:

    Hmm, they prolly have Greys hidden in the basement. Did you find any datapads suggesting someones birthday and typing it into the elevator security console? What about the icebreakers?! What about the icebreakers?!

  7. Jahkaivah says:

    This is quite possibly the funniest article I have seen you guys post.

    And you are funny guys.

  8. wcaypahwat says:

    Should have hacked their security bots after sneaking past the laser tripwires by the sewer entrance.

  9. Bobsy says:

    Rewind.

    You’re standing in Baker Street outside the Future Publishing offices. You wander off down a back alley, find a basketball and shoot some hoops before throwing it at a stray cat. Maybe later you’ll wander over to a bar, play some pool and have a few beers. Freelance games journos just want to have fun, right?

    (in-joke nearly 10 years old. It’s been a long road, comrades)

  10. Talorc says:

    Not only funny on a surface level, but also neatly satirises the idea that “investigative” journalism could actually be viable in games journalism :-)

  11. karthik says:

    Wow.

    We need more real-life-imitates-pc-games moments. Also, I was hoping for further installments of Jacob’s story.

  12. parm says:

    See? It’s always easier to shoot your way in rather than faff about with this stealth-and-hacking nonsense.

  13. nabeel says:

    Awesome.

    nabeel

  14. Seniath says:

    That opening photoshop is… unnerving. And awesome. But mostly unnerving.

  15. Aubrey says:

    Will it have barrels which you can stack in unrealistic ways, but which are ultimately more useful that way, because the realistic ones just fall over and you can’t do shit with them?

    *TWONK*

  16. Gap Gen says:

    Hang on. PC Zone?

    You should have dressed up as a stalker.

  17. Peter says:

    Kieron’s review of Deus Ex was one of the best PC Gamer reviews ever. I still have that issue.

    “These guys are hard as nails. Made of diamond. From Newcastle.”

    Dammit. It brings a tear to my eye, it does.

  18. Man Raised By Puffins says:

    Disappointingly low on GEP Gun action, what a shame.

  19. Joe says:

    Genius.

  20. The Hammer says:

    “What’s the Quicksave key?”

    Hahaha.

  21. Diogo Ribeiro says:

    Real men use Laputan Machine.

    Actually, that whole piece was brilliant :lol:

  22. Will Tomas says:

    Haha… That was fantastic. Lovely concept, great execution. Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

  23. dartt says:

    What a shame.

  24. AndrewC says:

    So basically you decided to spend the day twatting about with some mates and calling the result ‘work’. I have enough trouble in my life without having to envy the lives of computer games journalists. I thought I was safe on that one.

  25. Nick says:

    Should have done it IW style and dressed as a mime.

  26. AndrewC says:

    So what’s Deus Ex 3 like?

  27. Dante says:

    Great stuff, although I couldn’t help but think some tear gas might have helped you out, or alternatively stacking boxes one on top of each other until you get high enough to kill Will Porter by jumping on his head.

  28. Kast says:

    Hitman style next time please ;)

  29. Maximum Fish says:

    The prod. You should have taken the prod.

  30. Thingus says:

    Ah, I reckon a LAN/gas grenade on the office door, and then make a loud noise. Never fails.

  31. Andrew says:

    The keypad! Awesome.

  32. Larington says:

    Yeah, the original PCG review for Deus Ex was class in itself.

    More of this kind of fun stuff please!

  33. Nilocy says:

    Hmm, anyone ever set a cat on fire on Baker Island and watch it run into the sea? It shoots up reallllly far.

  34. Matt says:

    Two words.

    Thermoptic Camo.

  35. Glarr says:

    Or alternatively run in chucking LAM’s everywhere while flamethrowing everyone to death, than beat their corpses with a baton until they explode into chunks of gore….

    lulwat?

  36. Ian says:

    He didn’t check the AI’s patrol routes or anything.

  37. Andy Johnson says:

    So this is what New Games Journalism REALLY consists of…

  38. Michael Walbridge says:

    New favorite RPS article. Hands down.

  39. Kalain says:

    Class..

    “What’s the Quicksave key?”
    TWONK!
    “Quickload?”
    TWONK!

    Made me spit my coffee out..

  40. The_B says:

    Giving a whole new meaning to:

    “What would JC do?”

  41. Jonas says:

    Hmm if they really have no vent shafts (they’re learning!) there must be either rooftop access (did you check for fire escapes on adjacent buildings?) or sewer tunnels (could be icky, but you must endure in the name of truth!).

    How much did you have to bribe Quinns to let you in, btw? I’m just curious about the going rate on bribes in London, for when I’m going over there. I mean there’s always a bribe, right? Otherwise there’d be a balancing problem.

  42. newt says:

    A man who uses his head. I like that.

  43. JamesC says:

    I hope you told Quinns “Thanks for letting me in”

  44. Kismet says:

    You should have used proximity mines to climb the outside wall and take pictures from a window. Play more and retry!

    (but nice article :) )

  45. Urael says:

    Keiron Gillen + Deus Ex + RPS = Gaming Joy

    I’m buzzed about the game just reading this article! Frankly, number 3 cannot arrive soon enough…

  46. Larington says:

    Anyone want a spare lemon lime? The vending machine has given me the wrong drink again.

  47. Ian says:

    It’s a let-down that Kieron didn’t try a few riskier methods first. I mean, he could always have used the old try-and-quickload technique to test the mission layout.

  48. Joe says:

    Wait…is this why you shaved your beard off?

  49. Jonas says:

    Larington, send it my way. I have a machine here full of Orange for some reason.