S.EXE: Hot Mods (NSFW)

By Cara Ellison on March 14th, 2014 at 9:00 pm.

This week I have been inspired in my work for this column by the magnificent website Critique My Dick Pic, which attempts to rate the erotic quality of dick pics with 100% no size shaming. I enjoy that website because for some reason dicks, especially erect dicks, are conspicuously absent from our media, including videogames, and I think a good dick pic can certainly be arousing to look at.

Probably most interesting about the site is that the curator, moscaddie, suggests that for maximum sexiness the person possessing said dick holds it or at least caresses it a little for the picture, which gives the dick a less… well, melancholy feel like it’s the loneliest snake in the world (she calls these ‘log’ pictures). Perhaps it gives the picture a sense of movement or purpose. Surely with the help of the best animators in the world, games would be the best place to give a dick a little something to do. Or at least get them to cast a cute shadow over exotic environmental art.

So anyway, in the interest of New Schlong Journalism me and a friend downloaded Schlongs of Skyrim, a mod for Skyrim which frankly just makes large fat growable schlongs available on male NPCs. We also made use of the mod ‘Bathing Beefcake Luxury Suite’, a mod inserting a Skyrim beefcake spa near Whiterun, to make it easier to view tadgers with ease.

Re: RPS policy on this I suddenly panicked about the amount of dongs that would be visible in the screenshots.

hello graham
i am having another problem with dongs
in that
i have downloaded Schlongs of Skyrim
and all the pictures are very graphic
so

You can choose from three different types of schlong in the settings page (as if those types were the only types), ‘average’ (which I think in the illustration pic moscaddie would go for: it’s black and white and sorta arty-lookin’), ‘regular’ (in which the penis is shown erect – hurray) and ‘muscular’ (which made the erection in the picture have a more pronounced bulk near the base of the shaft). In the end I went with ‘regular’, although I don’t really know what that says about me. Perhaps I am just terrified by dongs that are either big or sad. I don’t know. Perhaps I am just an advocate for all those dicks who fear that they are regular, but with attention and care, they can become heroes.

A pop up loads: “Outfits and armour successfully schlongified’. Great.

I used my friend Alice’s Skyrim account to install schlong mods on it (ha!), so her character, a tall, thin, sinewy woman with a punk haircut enters the Luxury Suite near Whiterun. She steps into the spa pools of the hut, which resembles a Norwegian spa I once felt uncomfortable in. Beefcake men are sunning themselves on the patio with expressions like burly plumbers who have been asked a perplexing maths question. With her cloak on, Alice’s character looks a lot like a kind of shady schlong investigator, a sort of meat spear ombudsman, or perhaps someone who is on the Board of Dick Certification (yuuuup, that’s a dick, etc). Anyway, to blend in with the herd of dudes with their shirts off, our character gets entirely naked, as one would.

They do not seem interested in us. This is good. We are undercover.

To see Full Schlong, one must entice the beefcake carefully into or near the water. What then happens is their trousers pop off, then their underwear appears, and then half a second later a giant schlong will flibble out. The dicks are fully physics enabled! There’s proper flibble and everything! A flibble AND wibble! On a scale of flibble from 0 to Flibble Flopple I would say Flibble and Flopple and Flopple Flibs. They seem to also have quite a bit of pendulus weight to them, so this mod maker obviously spent a lot of time fine-tuning these curious dongs.

You can engage beefcakes in conversation, and tell them that you ‘have trouble controlling yourself when they are naked’, which immediately results with them whipping their clothes off and the flibble happening again.

We decided to make the journey to Riverwood’s most prestigious outlet of boner potions, a shop called ‘Morning Wood’, to buy an assortment of things to give the inhabitants of Luxury Suite. We ran all the way there entirely naked because in our excitement we forgot to put any clothes on. The shopkeeper, one Bjorn Longsword, commented that we should probably feel a bit chilly. We bought everything Bjorn had to offer; most concocktions claimed to have schlong size greatly increase after imbibement.

Running back through the doors of Luxury Suite with the day’s phallus tinctures, we were all set to get out on the sunny patio and begin commanding dicks resize like something out of porn Fantasia, when a blood dragon flew over to the patio and blasted us with fire. RUINING our idyllic dickfield of docile floppy beefcakes, disrupting our dong assessments, and scattering the subjects’ dongles flibbling. Running towards it with a bow we shouted ‘GET AWAY FROM THE BEEFCAKES!’ quite angrily as the beefcakes panicked and scattered, and we shot the dragon to death. Happily, it gave us an item called Essence of the Dragon, which magically increases the size of someone’s bits.We spent the next half hour enticing the beefcakes back into the house and plying them with potions that made their junk size suddenly increase like angry sea cucumbers, or pressing page up or page down to make the dongs erect or not erect, which I guess is one of the benefits of being in a world with potent magicks. One guy went into stealth mode with a massive erection and started following us around the house in a squat position that looked increasingly as painful as it did humorous.

We tried our ‘hand’ at a dick pic, but the lighting was too stark, the dick wasn’t erect, and frankly our character looked disinterested. I think it was overexposure to cocks that put her off.

All in all, Schlongs of Skyrim was less arousing than just putting on a remix of Jeff Goldblum’s laugh from Jurassic Park.

Well, most things are less arousing than that, to be fair.

Alice stated after reading this, ‘That’s good and terrifying and I’m sorry I had a part in it.’

Here is me and Alice playing Naked Dark Souls and debating whether the thrill of a naked patch is the promise of sexiness, or whether it is really just the transgression of taboos itself that is the point of a naked patch.

Watch live video from asponge on TwitchTV

Good day, S.EXE lovers. See you next fortnight.

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296 Comments »

  1. Lacero says:

    The shoulder skinning on that guy lying down is pretty shocking. I barely noticed jeff goldblum.

    • LionsPhil says:

      I am glad this is the first comment because Jesus H. Christ how can you look at anything else in any of these screenshots, the poor man has been horrendously mangled in some unspoken event.

      (It doesn’t help that the reticule makes it look like he has abdominal staples.)

      • Shadowcat says:

        I honestly thought it was a post-autopsy corpse.

      • The Random One says:

        Wow. I actually thought that his armpits were his fist, in the foreground, giving a thumbs-up, until i REALLY looked. It’s like one of those awful drawings that are always drawn on the walls of cheap hair salloons.

        • Phasma Felis says:

          I thought the same thing!

          And what about that guy in the first picture, what is HAPPENING with him? His right buttock is three times as big as his left!

          Oh Holy God. Picture #4. His sword. No, not that, I mean his actual sword. Did he…is that…is that surgical?

    • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

      I would like to imagine that our bot is offering an explanation.

    • KaiUno says:

      He used to be a normal sex slave, then he took a dick to the shoulder.

    • Antistar says:

      To probably take this Too Seriously:

      Rigging is hard; shoulders notoriously so. That ‘lying with arms behind head’ pose takes the shoulder joints about as far from the reference pose (t pose) they’re modelled in as you can reasonably expect, too.

      To be honest I’m surprised the deformation isn’t worse. The amount of time in-game you spend looking at a naked character in that pose is vanishingly small, anyway. Barring people who use mods like this, I suppose.

      Also: Damnit collective modding zeitgeist – you can do penis flibble physics but not cloth physics? (Unless I’m misunderstanding what Cara is describing; I haven’t actually tried this mod.)

      • Josh W says:

        Penis fible would be very basic inverse kinematics, or stock animations similar to how most other “limbs” are animated; you’ve got it constrained at one end and free at the other, cloth is 2 dimensions, and we constrain it in all sorts of funny places, so you can’t really give it a fake skeleton in the same way.

  2. Geebs says:

    Joor Gaar Zun?

  3. Chalky says:

    *edit* thanks for fixing this, even if I am in a minority of clicking links without thinking about it too hard, I appreciate it :)

    • Dominic White says:

      You clicked a link that read ‘Critique My Dick Pic’. What, honestly, did you expect?

      • Premium User Badge Llewyn says:

        A collection of photographs of Van Dyke, Nixon, Pound and Advocaat, naturally.

      • Chalky says:

        On a link on the front page of RPS? Not porn, certainly. Probably something video game related, perhaps an amusingly named blog.

        • MobileAssaultDuck says:

          “This week I have been inspired in my work for this column by the magnificent website Critique My Dick Pic, which attempts to rate the erotic quality of dick pics with 100% no size shaming.”

          The sentence the link was in DESCRIBED WHAT THE LINK WAS.

          I’m going to go out on a limb and guess you’re from a country founded by Puritans.

          • Chalky says:

            Maybe I’m dumb as hell, I don’t know. I assumed it would be censored or otherwise amusingly obscured. I just don’t have something in my mind that thinks “hang on a second, maybe there’s hardcore porn on the other end of this link!” when I’m browsing RPS. What can I say.

            Can I post porn in this message as long as it’s clearly labelled without getting banned?

          • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

            You’re reading an article which is part of a series specifically about sex in video games, and which states that the website is about rating the eroticism of dick pics. Unless you want a sign lit in neon, it’s safe to say there was fair warning.

            And no, you can’t post porn for no reason.

          • MobileAssaultDuck says:

            @Chalky

            There is no hardcore porn on this site.

            Hardcore porn refers specifically to penetration, these are pictures of naked penises. They are, at most, softcore porn.

            One could even argue it’s not pornography as a picture of a naked person or body part is not inherently pornography. Pornography must have the intent to cause sexual arousal.

            As that tumbler’s purpose is the critique of dick pics as an artistic medium it is, at most, borderline pornography.

          • Chalky says:

            And no, you can’t post porn for no reason.

            Well, some other chap who’s braver than I has linked to the female equivalent of the site mentioned in the article further down the comments thread. I wouldn’t say it’s for no reason, he seems to be making an on topic point. I imagine you’re 100% OK with that because it’s not for no reason? And that he won’t be censored and/or banned due to a rule saying “no porn because this site has to be suitable for people aged 13+” or something along those lines? That apparently only applies to commenters due to *reasons*?

          • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

            Chalky, I was with you this far. People can certainly be surprised, and have different expectations. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the post but I certainly understand not *really* expecting it to be what it is.

            However by now you seem to be .. protesting quite a bit too much.

          • Chalky says:

            I’m just trying to get at the core reason why people make rules about not linking to porn on non-porn websites. It’s generally considered inappropriate and people don’t expect it. That’s pretty much the only reason why you couldn’t link to something x-rated and on topic in a comment thread.

            Although since the link I mentioned is still in the thread several hours later, I guess it is fine and I should just shut up and reevaluate my ideas about what’s appropriate to link to.

          • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

            There’s rules against showing sexual material in school as well. By your understanding, that makes it bad for a teacher to show a picture of the human phallus in sex education.

            This series of articles isn’t a normal set of articles. This is Cara’s series which aims to produce a mature discussion and examination of sex in video games. Contextually, that makes it fine. If you wanted to post a link which has merit in the discussion as well,

            Your objection seems to be based in a lack of ability to understand that this is a mature conversation, and not just “hurr hurr porn”.

        • Dominare says:

          I think my favourite thing about this is how you’re actually morally indignant that this site would dare to put you at risk while you’re surfing instead of working. Like, how dare they be so irresponsible?

          Gotta love it.

          • mechabuddha says:

            One day you will get a real job, and will discover the concept of a lunch/smoke/whatever break.

          • The Random One says:

            I have a real job. I prefer to browse on my cell phone, with dick pics to my heart’s content.

          • Chalky says:

            To points:

            1) Lunch breaks exist, speak to your employer about it, you’re welcome.

            2) I’m not morally outraged or anything. It just took me by surprise. Porn is fine, the internet is full of it and lots of sites let you post it. I didn’t think RPS was one of them, and if you’d asked me yesterday if there was going to be a link to porn on the front page of the site, I would have said there was zero chance of that.

            Apparently everyone else would have said “yeah, there’s a chance of that” for reasons I have still yet to grasp.

            When you click a link with “there is zero chance of this actually being porn” in your head… it is quite surprising to discover you’re wrong. It’s like clicking a link in a BBC article about porn and finding it actually linking to a bunch of porn. You wouldn’t expect that, right? Or maybe you would. I guess you probably would.

          • Premium User Badge aleander says:

            Oh. It surprised you. I get it now. I too hate surprises.

        • tasteful says:

          chalkys so mad cuz he saw a dick

      • Radiant says:

        And why are you swearing? Do you work on the docks?

        PS I am highly rated on that site btw.

        LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADIES!

    • Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

      Did anyone else spend ages looking for the porn link just now before realizing that he meant the dick pictures?

      • Skyhigh says:

        Yes.

      • Premium User Badge jaheira says:

        Yup

      • Premium User Badge bglamb says:

        I was too busy looking at dick pictures…..can’t stop…..

      • Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

        Ah fair enough, I had another look and indeed some of them are pornographic, most of them are rubbish and one or two of them are artistic. Maybe it’s a good exercise for those of us on the yes side of the “are games art?” debate to look at this site while asking ourselves “are penises art?” and see it from the doubter’s perspective.

        Whether or not dicks are art, it’s impossible to deny the contribution that dicks have made to art… Read that any way you like, it’s true.

    • Sakai says:

      So someone cought your watching dick pics at work? Must be pretty embarassing.

      • TheVGamer says:

        Not just (censored) dicks but also a full-on hairy male butt! I’d rather eat worms which were shat upon my plate made of bird poo by radioactive pigs for the rest of my life in a North Korean death camp than experience such embarrassment!

        • mr.black says:

          Well I’d be flat out of my job (which I currently don’t have any more/yet) – I work as teacher..

          • TheVGamer says:

            If all it takes for you to get fired is one polygonal hairy ass, maybe you should look for other jobs.

          • Distec says:

            I imagine some employers aren’t inclined to indulge explanations as to why digitial cock and manbutt is on somebody’s screen.

            but just get another job dude they’re like whatever

    • SmiggieBalls says:

      Not only is the website stated as being called “Critique My Dick Pic”, which has the word ‘dick’ in it (as in ‘PENIS’), but it is then described as “attempt[ing] to rate the erotic quality of dick pics with 100% no size shaming”. I’m sorry, but you must have absolutely no self control or an obscenely low level of reading comprehension if you think that’s in any way misleading to the nature of that content.

      • Chalky says:

        Well I don’t know, maybe video game websites linking to porn in their articles is some common thing I’ve managed to completely miss out, but it literally didn’t occur to me that there would be actual porn in any links on the front page, and I often click links on articles before I read them.

        I feel like either I’ve stepped into the crazy world of apologists right now or there’s something very wrong with my idea of what’s normal for the front page of an entertainment site popular with children. I don’t consider myself someone who really cares about this sort of thing but I’m rather blown away that this would be considered OK.

        • Davie says:

          I don’t think RPS has ever really been particularly popular with children, and children certainly aren’t their target audience. Any reader older than fifteen or so has probably seen dicks in real life anyway, and has almost certainly been poking around on the internet for interesting porn at some point or another, and thus will probably not be scarred for life.

          As for you, perhaps it’ll teach you to not click links in a post that literally says NOT SAFE FOR WORK, while at work.

        • Sharza says:

          I’m sorry, but you are the guy they had to write that warning message for, right? Peanuts may contain traces of peanuts. Or am I mistaking you?

      • X_kot says:

        One would also assume that the content of a post with (NSFW) would, inherently, not be suitable for viewing in a workplace environment.

        • Dominare says:

          Yes, that would make sense. Remember though that our champ here doesn’t actually read things before he clicks them (he just ADMITTED that above!) and that of course its everyone else’s job to accommodate him for this bizarre habit.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      The internet provides: http://photography-on-the.net/forum/showthread.php?t=655060

      (I apologise that the photographer is an idiot and that only one of the animals in the OP is a duck, but there you go)

    • LionsPhil says:

      While normally I would sympathise with this position, you did see the big “(NSFW)” in the title, right?

      It probably would have helped if all the NSFW-ness were below the cut, not just the screenshots, mind.

      • Chalky says:

        No, I didn’t see that. I just click on links on the front page and their “read mores” all the time then close anything I don’t find interesting.

        It would be fine if they just named the blog and told people to google it or what ever but my mind is blown by the fact that it was directly linked to. Apparently everyone else thinks this is normal so my mind is even more blown. I can’t work out how I have some weird idea that video game websites don’t link to porn in my head that nobody else has.

        • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

          It’s more that everyone else read what this series of articles is about, and was already aware that it was going to be discussing sex and was therefore for big boys and girls who aren’t going to get offended by seeing a willy or a vagina.

          If you didn’t bother reading anything and you just click on stuff, then maybe you should … not do that?

          • Chalky says:

            I’ve read a crap load of articles making fun of bad skyrim sex mods and none of them have actually linked to porn. I guess I was lucky?

            I read enough to gather what the article was about so I clicked the “read more” button and hit the link in the preview. I assumed that at worst it would be a parody site. I didn’t read the description that followed the link, apparently I should always do that in case the description is “people fucking each other” or something. I didn’t realise that was the sort of thing I had to look out for when reading about video games.

            I don’t get it. Everyone is saying “you fool! of course RPS is linking to porn!” as if it’s normal when in reality this is possibly the first instance of any video game website linking directly to porn on the front page. I must be dumb. Or maybe I missed out on a bunch of porn linking websites at some point.

          • MadMattH says:

            I’m pretty sure big boys and girls can call them penises and not “willys”.

          • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

            It’s more a case of … nobody else 1) clicked on the link without reading what the description of it was first, 2) missed the big NSFW notice in the header of the article, which is the internet’s universal symbol for “don’t click here because there’s probably dicks and tits inside”, and 3) didn’t do either of the above assuming that RPS would for some reason lie about the content of the article and links within because they’re a gaming website and “gaming websites don’t usually post to explicit material”?

            It’s an article about sex, dude. It’s clearly marked. What your argument is boiling down to is “RPS shouldn’t post it because there are idiots who click things without reading them first”.

        • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

          I’m unsure at what point putting NSFW in the title isn’t fair warning. Unless you got confused and thought the article was about Need For Speed: Wanted.

        • LionsPhil says:

          No, I didn’t see that. I just click on links on the front page and their “read mores” all the time then close anything I don’t find interesting.

          Well there’s your problem. Don’t do that at work.

          I’m sorry man, but it’s a column about sex-in-games, and it’s clearly marked as such.

        • Ergates_Antius says:

          No, I didn’t see that. I just click on links on the front page
          And yet this is somehow somebody elses fault?

        • Phasma Felis says:

          Y’know, I have a pretty strong notion that thundering herds of mighty wildebeests don’t stampede down my middle American sidewalk, but if by chance they did I would probably get out of the way, rather than thinking “Huh, that’s unusual. It must not actually be happening.”

    • Press X to Gary Busey says:

      You can’t lose your job for watching dick pics at work if you’re male so it’s pretty SFW really (if you’re male).

    • Arbodnangle Scrulp says:

      I lost all empathy or sympathy for your issue when you said that you read RPS at work. No wonder the economy is in the tank no thanks to people like you. I dunno, but it seems like the whole point of going to work is to, you know, like, work?

      The Chinese have a saying, “if you will feel embarrassed being caught doing something, then it is something that you know you shouldn’t be doing”.

      So, GET BACK TO WORK!

      • LionsPhil says:

        I lost all empathy or sympathy for your issue when you said that you read RPS at work. No wonder the economy is in the tank no thanks to people like you.

        Oh fuck off, you self-righteous ponce. Breaks are a thing, and if you’re some kind of “knowledge worker” (which means many people with office jobs), they’re actually a thing which boosts overall productivity because otherwise mental fatigue starts making you prone to error.

        • mechabuddha says:

          Seconded! Who are these people who obviously don’t work because they don’t know what a break is?

        • Premium User Badge bglamb says:

          Looking at dick pics in your break is also a thing at your office now, apparently.

      • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

        Our cats have the saying “if you will feel embarrassed being caught doing something, then it is something that you know you shouldn’t be caught doing by a human, but if there are no humans around, go wild. Eventually, after you grow old and contemptuous of rules, you can go right ahead and do it even if there are humans in the next room because they aren’t going to do shit either way.”

      • pipman3000 says:

        in obama’s america all employees have to participate in at least one hour of compulsory dick pic viewing as part of their conversation to gay islam.

        • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

          I’m sorry to hinge on a typo, but I LOVE your typo. I’m imagining having a chat with the spirit of gay Islam. Invigorating!

          • The Random One says:

            It’s not a typo, it’s satire.

            Holy crap, I can’t believe I just typed that and that really described what was happening!

          • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

            I thought it was both.

      • Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

        Sounds to me like a failed case of trying to understand the world of your betters.

        • Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

          Real human work is quite different from the stacking of crates in a warehouse you know.

      • Synesthesia says:

        fuck off.

    • Rockman says:

      Not grasping the meaning of (NSFW) huh? I hope by now you realise it’s your own fault.

    • SuicideKing says:

      The title says “NSFW”, or NOT SAFE FOR WORK.

    • Tiax says:

      FYI, pictures of schlongs isn’t porn.

    • luukdeman111 says:

      Did you see the latest a game and a chat from GDC? They mention you… XD

  4. Premium User Badge Lobster9 says:

    +10 for Jeff Goldblum. Would read again.

  5. Premium User Badge JamesTheNumberless says:

    I can hide from it no longer. Jeff Goldblum is the sexiest object on the planet.

  6. Skyhigh says:

    Lol, that was funny!
    Also, last time i checked, the “Touring Carriages” mod is incompatible with this, because the schlongs get in the way and screw everything up. In case you want to tour through Skyrim naked.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      “the schlongs get in the way and screw everything up”

      Men eh amirite.

  7. bodydomelight says:

    This has added both ‘phallus tinctures’ and ‘meat spear ombudsman’ to my vocabulary of terms. Thankyou so much.

  8. diamondmx says:

    That twitch stream is hilarious. Thanks to Cara and Alice.

  9. Dumdeedum says:

    Am I imagining it or does Cara sound just like Karen Gillan? I know they’re from the same(ish) neck of the woods, but still.

    • Josh W says:

      I have heard their style compared … same neck of the woods ? … oh you mean the actual Karen Gillan!

  10. LionsPhil says:

    What, no-one else yet? Alright, I’ll say it:

    What, no infinite schlongs on the dragons? Opportunity: missed.

    • caerr says:

      Seeing the top half of dragon made me afraid to scroll down to see the rest. Because you know that mod is out there somewhere.

      • strangeloup says:

        I actually went looking for such a mod (I was bored, alright?) and was disappointed to find there are dick mods for all sorts of things (the Frost Troll being an… eye-opening example) but not for the dragons.

        I mean, regardless of whether that’s Your Bag, Baby or not, I think it would be immensely satisfying to defeat a dragon by punching it in the dick.

        • LionsPhil says:

          Not to mention the comedy value of great big floppy dragon parts wobbling about in the sky as the rest of the creature desperately flaps about trying to maintain stable flight.

    • Everyone says:

      I’m glad I wasn’t the only one to think that. I’m not glad I was one of the ones to think of that.

    • Premium User Badge LTK says:

      Pretty sure dragons only have cloacas.

  11. PopeRatzo says:

    Not Cara’s best. You’re in the big leagues now. Up your game.

    • Bull0 says:

      Bro’s totally right, up your game Cara, this isn’t division 1 this is some kind of penis article premiership, you’re in the big leagues now son

    • GunnerMcCaffrey says:

      Why do I feel like this wouldn’t have been posted if Cara were a man?

      • Bull0 says:

        Probably because it’s really patronizing

      • Josh W says:

        Well, a man who isn’t John at least.

        • Scumbag says:

          What if John was the woman and Cara was the man? It would be like the wacky episode a number of old 90s kids programs had when the science experiment goes WRONG!

  12. MrNash says:

    I guess this mod has been a schlong time coming? =p

    • Snargelfargen says:

      I’m astonished that people are foolish enough to glans at dick pics at their workplaces and then get testes about it. What a cock-up!

  13. Premium User Badge c-Row says:

    I sure hope “schlongified” is in the Oxford Dictionary. Or should that be Dicktionary?

  14. XhomeB says:

    RPS: it’s only sexist if it’s about women!

    • nrvsNRG says:

      yup.

    • vai90 says:

      This.

    • X_kot says:

      Ya, I mean, guys are *totally* subject to bodily objectification the same way that women are. : /

      • Meneldil says:

        Was that irony? Because afaik, yes, men are just as objectified as women in video games.

        If you can find a mainstream video game character that’s not handsome and has more muscle than my whole family put together, than we’ll talk.

    • Henchimus says:

      I was about to say: OBJECTIFICATION! TRIGGER ALERT! OMG!!

      … but then I realised I had a sense of humour and a *real* degree (ie not “gender studies”)

    • Drake Sigar says:

      The target is the most privileged demographic on earth and has been for quite some time. It’s not offensive to the same degree.

      • nrvsNRG says:

        who cares, its still annoying.

      • pepperfez says:

        Is there even a target, though? I mean besides silly game physics?

        No gender warrior is ever going to convince me that wobbly things aren’t hilarious.

      • fish99 says:

        It’s still a clear double standard.

      • Gentlemoth says:

        I know, right! I beat up this white boy the other day, he had it coming for being so white and male.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      The N-word: Why can only black people say it.

      (I mean sure, it’s a complex topic, and I’d agree that certain forms of objectification for both sexes are OK in the proper context whilst in others they serve to be divisive or destructive but yeah, objectification isn’t the same for both sexes due to a set of contemptuous cultural norms in our society for, well similar reasons as why black people get to use the n-word and white people don’t)

      • Sheng-ji says:

        I think at this point, only idiots claim that society is not sexist. No-one is stopping white people from using the word, it’s not against the law – but other people will think a white person is disgusting for using it. Yes we are all still racist, but don’t think that by having a word which is a derogatory slur for another person denied to you via social pressure that you are somehow hard done by – If that is the worst thing you can complain about how your race gets treated, you’re very lucky.

        (That was @ Gapgen)

        • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

          I think you misinterpreted my point, which as far as I can tell was the same as yours (or perhaps I wasn’t clear enough – I’m not begrudging the fact that only certain people can say certain things, but rather pointing out that equality isn’t just putting topless men on the covers of magazines next to topless women).

        • Sheng-ji says:

          Oh I know, I was agreeing with you in a conversational way, I think!

        • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

          I guess we can just disagree to agree. Or something. Confused now.

    • GunnerMcCaffrey says:

      What did you find sexist about this post, exactly?

    • SuicideKing says:

      OH NOES! RAZE THE INTERNETS! BURN THE SERVERS! RUN AFTER HORACE WITH A PITCHFORK DAMMIT! US MEN ARE BEING WRONGED! WRONGED I TELL YOU!

      Sheesh, grow up man. Cara’s posted naked ladies as well. In fact, I’m disappointed that the dongs are covered.

      • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

        The bitter taste of missing dong.

      • Faxmachinen says:

        Indeed. This column has never been about how all games are sexist and should be banned (quite the opposite, in fact), and as such, this comment thread is a poor fit for the comments by XhomeB et al.

      • Phoibos Delphi says:

        I just wanted to bring to yo ur attention that it is impossible to “run AFTER Horace”, with or without a fork due to his endlessness!

      • geerad says:

        Just don’t post a pic of Horace’s endless dong!

    • nindustrial says:

      Your comment is its own retort.

    • Strabo says:

      No way the whole thing treating the beefcakes attached to the schlongs as beefcakes throughout the whole article instead as characters/persons is intentional, to make a point. Must definitely be a double standard by the evil SJW brigade…

    • Smoky_the_Bear says:

      Yep the double standard is ridiculous tbh.
      If a man had written an article on a gaming website about boob physics in video games, saying how much he liked pussy and linking to a “rate my boobs” website, people like Cara would be branding him a vile misogynist and calling for his head. Reverse genders and apparently its completely acceptable to link to porn on a gaming website. Hypocrisy at work here.

      • vai90 says:

        The funny thing is it wouldn’t even be Cara. John would be the one complaining, you can bet on that.

      • Sheng-ji says:

        Context is everything.

      • GunnerMcCaffrey says:

        If a man had written an obviously humorous and self-aware post, in a special feature explicitly devoted to sex in games, about some kind of Skyrim nude mod that was different than the mountains of other Skyrim nude mods, and didn’t just use it as an excuse to post titties, then sure, there would be a few uptight people who would complain, but for the most part I think everyone would be cool with it.

        And nothing about Cara’s post suggests an assumption that at-attention beefcake is just a natural fit in any part of any game, or that it’s something male gamers should be cool with having discussed in 90% of articles even if it’s completely irrelevant. That’s what makes it different than the usual presence of T&A in gaming and the gaming press. Context is indeed everything.

        And do you really not see the difference between a woman posting about nude male Skyrim models and a man posting about nekkid ladeez? When we are buried in an avalanche of the former, I’ll take you seriously when you compare it to the latter.

        • HadToLogin says:

          Instead of fighting to stop treating women as objects, lets reduce men to objects too?

          Hmm, that actually might work.

          • GunnerMcCaffrey says:

            I don’t understand how this is what you took away from my comment. Do you think anything erotic is inherently objectifying? Were you not really responding to what I wrote and just trying to score more points for Team Feminists Are Hypocrites? Is it both?

  15. Premium User Badge The Sombrero Kid says:

    Last week was a disection of an interactive interpretation of a seminal 19th centuary play, this week, lol dick physics.
    Best column ever.

  16. Raiyan 1.0 says:

    Goldblum really is amazing. It’s so much fun when he’s on Conan.

    Also, Cara! Cara! Cara! Have you seen “Earth Girls are Easy?”

  17. Christo4 says:

    Sexist bastards!
    You show male nipples but not female nipples? That’s sexist!

  18. NukeWithG says:

    • Guvornator says:

      Looks like it…

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      I’d imagine that that tumblr is as intimidating for a lot of women as that critique my dique* is for men of my heft.

      *C’mon, it should be.

    • pepperfez says:

      That’s…really not the same thing.

      • The Random One says:

        Yeah, there’s a disturbing lack of critique. Which is sad, as I really enjoyed the composition on some of them. Also boobies.

        • TWChristine says:

          I rather agree. All it really boiled down to was your run of the mill Tumblr of naked ladies, so not exactly a great comparison to the other site.

          I didn’t exactly look at much of CMD but from the little I did see, I have to say that I liked how positive the comments were. I think we all can use some positivity about our bodies.

        • Smoky_the_Bear says:

          Then go for boo.by which is practically identical.

    • Premium User Badge melnificent says:

      Only if you’re going to Jeff Goodblum the nipples.

  19. HadToLogin says:

    You wrote about Sexy Mods and all you went is just few naked bodies mods?

    What about “Animated Prostitution”? Or “Bandits Rape You Instead of Killing” mods? Or some werewolf loving. Or just wolf loving (don’t know about mudcrabs loving, through).
    And tons of others. Surprisingly, most being “another way to abuse some women characters”.

    • SuicideKing says:

      I think Cara was looking for a something positive and light…I think most of us are aware of the filth that’s floating around Skyrim’s modding scene.

      • Everyone says:

        Let’s face it: this mod is a lot more upstanding than a lot of the others.

    • The Random One says:

      Does the Animated Prostitution mod make all hookers cheery?

    • Bull0 says:

      Or “Bandits Rape You Instead of Killing” mods?

      Wow, I *really* didn’t need to know that that was a thing. :/

  20. Spacewalk says:

    Fourth picture down wasn’t censored very well, his dagger is still pointing skywards.

    • Ergates_Antius says:

      That picture, with the dagger sheathed in his leg, makes me feel actually queazy!

  21. Dave Tosser says:

    Thanks for ruining Alec’s face for me, Cara. I adore that image of Alec’s surprise from the time he discovered Battlefield 3- a highly successful video game in an extremely popular and profitable franchise -would be receiving a sequel. Now you’ve ruined it. Thanks. I’m really sick of all this dickery, honestly. I might just leave RPS and set up a dickless gaming site where readers can be without the fear that the writers’ faces will be used to obscure dicks from their view. Not because they want dicks, but because it demeans and objectifies the writers.

    Christ.

  22. sinister agent says:

    a good dick pic can certainly be arousing to look at.

    Oh christ, what have you done. Now they’ll have all the encouragement they’ll need for another 20 years of internet.

    I’ll never quite get over people calling them “dicks”, though. A dick isn’t sexy, a dick is silly. A dick is what you call a friend while laughing, not what you call a body part while fucking. Crazy Merkins.

    Oddly, I never even tried getting nude mods for Skyrim. I did with other Bethesda games, after hours of scouring through a million horrendous blimptit-fuckdoll-only ones for any that did both men and women and did them like real people, not creepily shaved and sterilised porn stars. I dunno why, it just seemed more apt that stripping the clothes off a corpse actually left them naked. Didn’t help that Oblivion’s underwear looked awful, like everyone was wearing gigantic grey nappies. Sykrim seemed to provide its citizens with better kecks… also now that I think about it, I played it with a rule forbidding the stripping of bodies, so I never really saw much of them anyway.

    Also it was equal parts frustrating and amusing when an NPC would appear bollock naked in Oblivion, and nobody would bat an eyelid. I see that in Skyrim, the equivalent bug seems to be “dudes who have holstered their sword directly into their thigh”. Ow.

    • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

      Penis is too clinical, and dick is too silly. Cock is also just … yergh. So it’s a tricky situation.

    • Bull0 says:

      You’re right, it’s a tricky thing. Try “Wang”?

      • Bull0 says:

        Except calling them Wangs is probably racist and I didn’t realise

  23. MattMk1 says:

    I don’t get the point of this article.

    Is it meant to be an attempt to make male gamers realize that they’re sexist, because some might call this crass and offensive since it’s dicks all over the place, but would have loved it if it was a mod that allowed the manipulation of boob size, bounce and aureola texture? Or something else clever like that?

    Or is it a plea for developers to keep sex and romance out of video games until they learn to do it in a way that’s not so awkward it’s vomit-inducing? Because I can get behind that, but I feel you really should discuss Bioware’s contribution to the genre if that’s the case.

    I’ll also add that I find coming to a gaming site only to run straight into someone babbling in public about how much they like genitalia somewhat off-putting. I deal with enough of that sort of thing from crazy people on the subway and the teenaged undergraduates I have to work with…

    • sinister agent says:

      I’ve yet to perfect the Cellison model of my patented BRAINTHOUGHTREAD-O-TRON 4000, so I can’t confirm this, but I’m pretty sure it’s meant to be an amusing blog post about a silly videogame mod about giving po-faced Scandinavians giant floppy cocks.

      • Prolar Bear says:

        Yup. I found the article hilarious.

        • CookPassBabtridge says:

          @OP – Cara once confessed that she has a habit of conflating sex and / or sexual relationships with gaming in some way. Can’t remember how she worded it … something about her friends chastising her for not being able to separate / stop projecting her relationship issues onto video games. So sex seems to be her journalistic angle – it just so happens this site is incredibly polarised on gender issues and so that often gets dragged into the equation, whether intentionally or not.

    • Janek says:

      To horribly misquote Freud, sometimes a penis is just a penis.

      • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

        And sometimes it’s a horrifying, razor-spined, venomous wyrm from the depths of the Stygian void, but hey, you don’t know until you get their pants off.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      I assume, given this is a series, at some point they might discuss Bioware. My issue with Mass Effect is that there are a ton of problems with hitting on your subordinates as a massively powerful interstellar commander, given that commanders using their influence to coerce subordinates is a real problem, although this is not something that Bioware’s “parachute into the Gaza Strip at lunchtime and have Hamas and the IDF singing campfire songs by suppertime” universe wants to go into, I suspect.

      • TWChristine says:

        I do agree with you. With that said, I always treated my people as professionally as I could, and I was completely taken aback when your Quartermaster (or whatever she was..Katie or something) said something like “Well, who are you hot stuff?” or “Hot new starship, and a hot commander!” So then I had to completely shut her down, and I would’ve ordered her off my ship if I had the ability to. But yea, the idea of fraternizing with your crew like that was interesting.

      • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

        I don’t see that as an issue which Mass Effect has to be held accountable for, since at no point in any of the games does Shepard appear to use his position in any overt nor implied way to progress a relationship.

        • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

          Sure, I don’t think ME handles it poorly, and I can see how it’s a Bioware staple done into a new setting, just that it’s a potentially problematic setup in this case.

    • Sharza says:

      Life is grim, there can be no fun and light articles. Everything must be described with utter seriousness. There must not be satire, irony and comedy.

  24. Premium User Badge Bluerps says:

    This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a while!
    I completely lost it when Mr Meer made his appearance. :D

  25. MaXimillion says:

    Can we get a S.EXE about Sengoku Rance at some point in the future?

  26. olemars says:

    Looks like the dude in screenshot 4 has accidentally stabbed himself in the thigh, and is trying his best to keep a straight face and not scream out in agony while a woman is looking.

  27. SillyWizard says:

    I enjoy that website because for some reason dicks, especially erect dicks, are conspicuously absent from our media…

    So you must also enjoy looking at

    * Dead babies
    * Abused animals
    * Human feces

    PENISES ARE GROSS! (And so are vaginas, so don’t gimme none of that smexism nonsense.)

    • pipman3000 says:

      if penises are so gross why’d the greeks make so many statues of them? what now smart guy

      • SillyWizard says:

        The didn’t make statues of penises, they made statues of the human body, of which (flaccid, unexaggerated) penises were a part.

        • pepperfez says:

          But they were idealized statues of the human body, so surely the gross would have been excluded (Just like there are no bulging veins, doughy bellies, or acne scars, for instance).

          • The Random One says:

            They were statues of idealized people. Idealized people don’t have acne scars or flabby arm skin folds or outie belly bottoms, but still necessarily have genitals.

            oh God I know everyone here is at least half-joking why am I responding

          • pepperfez says:

            Right, I was responding to nonsense with nonsense, while you were applying sense to my nonsense-replying nonsense.

            We’re all mad here.

        • pipman3000 says:

          if you think dicks are gross its because you have a gross looking dick that needs to be washed more often. even children stop thinking penises and vaginas are gross once they reach puberty.

          • pepperfez says:

            He’s being silly, but that’s quite unfair. It’s broadly culturally accepted (among Anglo-Americans, anyway) that penises are objectively gross or ridiculous at best. This has the unfortunate side effect of categorizing as delusional those people who find men sexually attractive…

        • bwritesstuff says:

          What? No, that’s the watered down history of Greek art. It was common for a household to have a statue of the god of fertility, Priapus, from which we get the medical term priapism. In fact, many suggest the modern garden gnome came from old statues of Priapus, which were often found in gardens and had penis-like hats.

          • Strabo says:

            Priapus is Greek in origin, but he so very much enbodies the Roman mindset that he was most popular with them. They put statues of him everywhere. All the dicks we find on walls and doorways – that’s not to indicate prostitutes like stupid guides in Rome or Pompeii love to tell people – all those dicks are simply symbols for luck and fertility.

    • The Random One says:

      I wholeheartedly agree that genitals are gross, but that’s exactly why showing them in this situation is so funny.

    • TWChristine says:

      I actually disagree. There was a time when I would’ve squealed and been like “Eeeww! Naked guys!”, and while I don’t now go out of my way to see naked men, I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of both male/female bodies.

      (Note: I’m not sure what parts are being joked about, so if that was one of them, just pretend I never said aaanythiiing at aaaalll…)

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      I’m pretty sure most people here would look at a charred, mutilated animal corpse and go “yeah, I do want a bacon sandwich”. Horses for courses. And lasagne.

    • Premium User Badge gnodab says:

      I feel sorry for your girlfriend/boyfriend. How sad to think the best thing in the world is “gross”. I would seriously consider therapy if you really are that disgusted with sexuality. I’m not even trolling, you have no idea what you’re missing out on!

    • Sharza says:

      * Penises
      * Vaginas
      * Dead babies
      * Abused animals
      * Human feces

      Yeah, that makes abesolutely sense, to put all of these in one category.

  28. MOKKA says:

    Why do people get upset, when they see a Penis?

    I see one every day. It’s not that impressive sure, but it’s not something I get mad about.

    As for the post: I really like the constant absurdity that Skyrim provides if you use the right mods.

    • skalpadda says:

      THE GUN IS GOOD!
      THE PENIS IS EVIL!

    • SillyWizard says:

      On the other hand, if I shoved my penis in your face every day, it absolutely would be something to get angry about.

      Pants were invented for a reason.

      • pepperfez says:

        If you shoved a delightful kitten, the text of Paradise Lost, or the tastiest banh mi I’d ever eaten in my face every day it would be something to get angry about. Because of the shoving in my face, you see.

        And yet I’m unbothered by those things being represented on the internet.

      • bwritesstuff says:

        Misplaced comment…. sigh.

      • The Random One says:

        Pants were invented to keep legs warm. Their current use as genital coverage is a perversion of their pure form.

        • Premium User Badge jrodman says:

          It makes me wonder if people’s cocks got cold.
          Perhaps if I were a braver man, i would find out.

          • The Random One says:

            I understand they’re one of the first parts to become gangrenous if you’re in harsh cold without proper protection, as are any other body parts that can be described as ‘dangly bits’ (like earlobes).

          • LionsPhil says:

            Remind me to never entertain a career path as a polar explorer.

          • Scumbag says:

            @The Random One
            I do remember reading somewhere that one of the main reason some races flaccid wangs are smaller is generally because, in the colder environs, the penis is very susceptible to frostbite and, as such, shrink to a very small size to protect it from the cold.
            I may be hung like a toothpick, but my peepee ain’t falling off during winter!

  29. thedosbox says:

    The dicks are fully physics enabled! There’s proper flibble and everything! A flibble AND wibble! On a scale of flibble from 0 to Flibble Flopple I would say Flibble and Flopple and Flopple Flibs. They seem to also have quite a bit of pendulus weight to them,

    That has got to be one of my favourite Cara Ellison lines.

  30. kodjeff1 says:

    I wish they’d keep garbage like this off of RPS. Cara seems to really tend towards it.

  31. El Stevo says:

    One of my favourite Skyrim mods is one that adds a big flaccid cock (with accompanying balls) to trolls. Every time I saw the bright red glans peeking out from under the foreskin I would involuntarily shudder and then start giggling.

  32. squareking says:

    Dicks? In my RPS?!

    Oh! So there are. Carry on!

  33. Rad says:

    “…expressions like burly plumbers who have been asked a perplexing maths question.”

    Funniest thing I’ve read in awhile! Thanks for that Cara!

    • Golden Pantaloons says:

      Amusingly enough, that was the one part I found to be ever so slightly offensive. You’d think someone who cares so deeply about gender issues would be more observant about class issues and how deeply those two things are connected. And avoid making sweeping generalizations about a certain class of people who have certain types of jobs.

      Just a minor thing, but I thought it was worth mentioning. Article was hilarious btw.

  34. hprice says:

    Chalky, you are not the only one out there. I, too, am baffled by how people see this as:

    (1) funny [Umm ... its as funny as the new South Park game, and children in school falling off their chair (ooo look, Simon fell off his chair ... wah haa haah haaa (yes, Simon is now in traction and will take many years to be able to walk properly again. Funny, that)]

    (2) think that erect penises are erotic [I haven’t seen any claims to say otherwise so I have to assume that people find them erotic. They’re not. Just like vaginas on their own are not erotic. Eroticism is a mind thing, and having a connection to the person as a whole is incredibly important. A body part on its own is not erotic. Susan Sarandon once talked about her infamous scene with Catherine Deneuve in The Hunger and said how the most erotic part of the scene for her was where she and Deneuve touched hands for the first time.

    (3) Interesting. Nope. Not at all. Mods like this have been around for years, and reporting on the fact now is not at all interesting.

    (4) New. Nope. See (3). Though it is coming from a female writer instead of a male one. So I suppose that’s new???

    {people will probably take umbrage with some of this but I just wanted to say this just to get the word umbrage into a sentence …}

    And as for clicking on the link. Well I did too. But as a thinking person, I thought that it might be a link to a blog or some such about people building giant penises in games (considering this is a gaming site). People can be extraordinarily creative, and I’ve seen someone build one in the latest SimCity game. It was huge, elaborate, and rather funny. But nope. It was just another website with penises on it. And most of them were hideous beyond belief. Oh, and does “soft-core” carry ejaculation with it?? Because in one of the pics on the front page of that blog involved a guy who had done this very thing all over himself. I wouldn’t call that soft-core.

    Oh boy. Maybe me and Chalky are over-reacting, and it seems that most people who have commented on this article would think so. But this to me is just shoddy journalism. It isn’t in fact journalism of any real kind, really. Its just a chance to post juvenile stuff in a safe place under the pretence of pseudo-intellectualism. It baffles me how supposedly intelligent people think a post like this which you wouldn’t find on other respectable, “journalistic” gaming websites is adult. or indeed “high brow” journalism. Its the same as those people who thought that Torchwood (Dr Who spin-off) was “adult” for featuring sex and swear words. Oh blimey, that’s sooo adult, they said a rude word and she got her top off. Oooo …

    It baffles me how so many people think that adult means “sex”. And posting something about “sex” immediately means showing body parts. I find it all quite sad really. In fact, to me its depressing and disheartening, that people think that intelligent writing about sex in games means rude words, sex, and juvenilia.

    And, my god, wouldn’t there be a huge outcry if two guys ran through Dark Souls as two naked women (DS like GTA is a game I don’t get. It looks really awful, graphically, and gameplay seems to be extremely repetitive and tedious. Oh but its really really hard and you die a lot… ahhh I see now …) . The hypocrisy smells quite bad from here.

    There is so much that could be written about sex and gender issues etc in games. Remember the complaints people have had about “booth girls” being harassed at major game conventions and expos. I really would have thought someone could have interviewed the girls ie grown women, themselves to see what they thought about it. . That would have been real journalism, and probably quite interesting to get another point of view. But nope, it never happened

    Or a proper history about sex and eroticism in video games. That might be an interesting read. Although that might have to be a series rather than a one off article. Might take some effort though than just installing a few (yawn) “sexy” mods.

    Still you gotta laugh, eh?

    Best wishes

    Harvey “can out-curmudgeon John Walker on any day of the week” Price

    ps more games like umbragram please, JW. Really nice game … too short though. And also more games should be named like “Titanfall” ie Spelunky – “Go-caving-get-killed-a-lot”, Dark Souls – “Look-crap-and-really-dated-get-killed-a-lot”, GTAV – “Run-around-being-an-utter-prat-rob-and-kill-innocent-people-and-get-killed-a-lot”, Skyrim- “Run-around-as-a-big-burly-bloke-in-an-boring-looking-world-killing-dragons-yawn-and-getting-killed-a-lot”, South Park – … oh god, I can’t be bothered … a lot …

    • sinister agent says:

      You, like everyone, have at some point laughed at a fat man falling over.

    • thedosbox says:

      I, too, am baffled by how people see this as: (1) funny

      You’re baffled that others may have a different opinion from you? My commiserations.

    • pepperfez says:

      Wait, you fail to find genuine comedy in something whose movement can be described as “A flibble AND wibble”? I’m afraid, and I say this with the utmost compassion, that you may be a highly advanced adding machine.

    • drewski says:

      Probably the most impressive Turing Test submission I’ve ever seen, but I still got you, machine.

    • Chalky says:

      For the record, I think the article is fine. I’m just bowled over by the fact that it actually links to porn in something that’s visible from the front page.

      The consensus seems to be “this is to be expected from a site like RPS” but I just don’t understand where one obtains that sort of idea from. I clicked a link thinking “I wonder what this is, there’s no way it would be porn because this is RPS” and was evidently very naive.

      I have never, ever heard of pornography being linked to on the front page of a gaming website before and I have some sort of implicit brand trust in my head for RPS. It seems crazy to me that people looked at that article and thought “that’s going to be porn, isn’t it?” before clicking.

      • Premium User Badge bglamb says:

        You miss the giant NSFW tag in the headline?

      • Zekiel says:

        Since he seems to be getting a lot of stick can I just express my sympathy for Chalky. I don’t think its really that great to have a link to NSFW pictures on the front page of RPS. Sure, the article has NSFW in the title, and the text around the link describes the content of the page linked, but its also quite easy to skim-read things and miss that. and one slightly hasty click and Oh My Gosh.

        If the link was buried in the article itself (ie not on the front page) then I wouldn’t have a problem.

        A lot of people seem to be confusing Chalky’s position with moral outrage over the content on the site linked itself, which I don’t think is his position at all.

        Having said all that – thanks for the article Cara, it was a great laugh!

        • LionsPhil says:

          Yeah, I do agree with this. It is well-marked, but RPS could still have done better by putting it below the cut.

      • MattMk1 says:

        I don’t think the choices behind how this article was presented bothered me quite as much… but yeah, there’s no way in hell I’d have expected them to do something as stupid as link directly to a pile of dicks from the top of the front page, either. (it’s just not that hard to go slightly dyslexic or simply click on something by accident while skimming through a site like this one)

        Despite a lot of… whimsy… some of the people running this place tend to get VERY, VERY SERIOUS about how they’re REAL JOURNALISTS that talk about IMPORTANT THINGS, and that’s just not something you’d see from a professionally-run news outlet. Or from a professionally run satire site, for that matter.

    • Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

      I’m sorry, but sometimes the only thing that’s worse than people being juvenile about sex is people who treat all sex as juvenile.

      The whole point of this series of feature articles existing is because there is no situation in games where the sex wouldn’t be considered juvenile, by hprice’s terms. And that’s because, like he says, eroticism is a mind thing rather than a visual/body part thing. And part of it being in the mind is that it largely depends on how the sex is contextualised, and the sad fact is that no game currently existing today is considered an appropriate place for sex to be explored as a topic. Film has risen to a cultural level where it’s possible be “arty” enough to have the required artistic legitimacy to show the aroused male and female body (and the act of sex itself) and it not be considered gratuitous, for the arousal of the audience. Games don’t. And by extension, gaming websites don’t.

      Which is why it’s an important stigma to break, which is what Cara is doing here by talking about and showing it frankly. Unfortunately you are always going to get some people who are rooted in the status quo and will refuse to see the discussion of sex in an area outside of the accepted social place for it as “just a chance to be juvenile”.

  35. spr00se says:

    This was awesome.

  36. nindustrial says:

    And I presume you’re pretending anyone cares what you think.

  37. nindustrial says:

    The censoring makes this piece. Well done Cara.

  38. Discosauce says:

    After watching the Dark Souls video, I couldn’t help but follow through and check out Alice’s other Dark Souls videos. They are quite amusing and she has a lovely voice.

  39. King_Rocket says:

    I have no idea why anybody is getting bent out of shape about this, its a bunch of naked dudes with goldblum crotch. I fail too see how that is offensive, but if it does offend you stop reading and go get a life.

  40. lorddon says:

    Bless you for posting this, Cara. The indignant posters in the comments are the…. icing… on the beefcake.

  41. Kein says:

    A female is talking about dicks she is interested in. Wow, big news.

  42. The Random One says:

    Where the originals, Cara? What have you done to them? You can’t hoard them all for you and the RPS staff. Their fibble and wibble must be set free!

  43. rustybroomhandle says:

    Do yourselves a favour, gather a few friends and play Wang Commander:

    http://deciduousgames.blogspot.com/p/wang-commander.html

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zdw1_WjaylI

    Best game starring a bunch of dicks!

  44. Misha says:

    I loved this Cara, I really did! Thumbs up.

    As somebody who routinely rolls his eyes and makes fun of all of the Quota Warriors on this site bemoaning the lack of transgendered paraplegic eskimo furries in video games as if it’s somehow the most pressing and atrocious problem of the gaming culture as a whole, you go at it just the right way and address something that even I, somebody who really doesn’t give a tinker’s cuss as to how equally represented every single sexual or asexual preference is in video gaming, have been wondering about: There is no shortage of mods undressing female characters and their private parts in 2048 HD!!1!!!11!!! detail, but where are the male mods?

    And why are the ones that do exist so, shall we say, wanting? Now don’t get me wrong, I have no particular desire to see a dick in my game, being the proud owner of one myself, but if we’re going to shred the PC nonsense of sacrificing realism for family friendliness, and there is no shortage of talented modders willing to do that for the female characters, then why not the males as well?

    And, besides, the creative use of dick jokes never gets old. Well done, Cara. :-)

  45. snowgim says:

    You should have rotated Jeff Goldblum so his finger was pointing in the appropriate direction.

  46. Sharza says:

    Thanks Cara,
    your article made my morning hot coffee, oh, so much better. The tone made me smile and even laugh :)

  47. leeder krenon says:

    good piece (fnar fnar). especially enjoyed how uncomfortable it has made a few fedora wearers feel. when is international men’s day?

    • Phasma Felis says:

      Oh, are you still here? …No, wait, the name is different. Can I assume you’re a sockpuppet of our other fedora-obsessed, faux-feminist troll? What was that guy’s name…was it “Level Headed”? I think it was.

  48. Premium User Badge bglamb says:

    Great, now I need to find a way to explain to my girlfriend why I’ve spent an hour looking at dick pics. Thanks Cara! No really though, it was awesome, thanks. Anyway, maybe it’ll all be ok and me and my girlfriend can look at them together. She likes dicks (can I say that?)

    • pepperfez says:

      If you can’t say that, then I hope you both have found a variety of satisfying hobbies.

  49. Premium User Badge Big Murray says:

    Am I the only one wondering whether Cara’s main job at RPS now is to talk about wangs?

    Not that I’m complaining …

  50. Premium User Badge melnificent says:

    Awww, they’re censored below the “read more” too.