Doesn’t Suck: Robot Vacuum Simulator 2013

*ode to joy*
I have just added a yearly reminder to my Google Calendar: July 5th, 2013: Remember the Roomba. That’s the day gaming changed forever. The day that my eyes were opened to the true capabilities of a medium that has so often failed to live up to its promise. I’ve just wiped the Half-Life 3 beta, the only copy it turns out, off my PC to make room for the game I’m about to link to, because not even Valve’s latest and greatest game can live up to it. And, yes, I am procrastinating, because I want to keep it to myself for just a little bit longer. From the makers of Robot Vacuum Simulator 2012, the Citizen Kane of games, I present Robot Vacuum Simulator 2013. The Citizen Kane 3D of games.

How can you improve upon Robot Vacuum Simulator 2012? That’s the mountain Stolidus Simulations had to climb. The solution: a 3D engine, a multiplayer mode, and jazz music.

You collect the dirty lumps that have been cast on the floor, but really those lumps are really the dark heart of humanity, and you are the flawed hero subtly removing it from society’s gaze. You’re there, always working, never stopping. Never appreciated.

If there’s not an RPS league for this by the end of the day then you don’t deserve games.


  1. zachforrest says:

    pah, another mainsteam spoonful of sugared vomit for the console kids.

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  2. darkath says:

    I sense that the Citizen Kane reference has been inspired by some earlier comments on Final Fantasy :p

  3. El Spidro says:

    I’m struggling to think of some vacuum cleaner puns for this, but I guess I’ll just have to suck it up and admit there aren’t any.

    • Bhazor says:

      You could say there’s a vacuum of puns.

    • zachforrest says:

      I think i’ll wait for the WIT, RPS are generally a pretty air filter for these sorts of things. They generally upholdstery nozzle the tenants of good journalism.

      • FurryLippedSquid says:

        Awful. Just awful.

      • MasterDex says:

        I have to wonder about the amount of dust being blown around inside your head, those puns sucked. Next time, you should try pump out a cleaner attempt and filter out all the suckage.

      • The Random One says:

        Yes, horrible puns. Try to appliance yourself more next time.

        • zachforrest says:

          Look mate, the next person who behoovers me to clean up my puns is Dyson with death

    • lamontagne says:

      Looks good, makes me want to dust off my 2012 copy and reinstall.

      I really liked the original, dyson’t mean that I’ll enjoy this one though.

    • McDan says:

      You guys are cleaning up with these puns.

    • says:

      Best works with a clean install of Windows.

    • Fridge says:

      no puns, are you daft? I could think of at least a dyson.

  4. Bhazor says:

    There better be cats in this. What kind of vacuum simulator would it be if you couldn’t scare the living piss out of your beloved pets?

  5. Felixader says:

    I have to inform you that there is a game that is doing similar things just like A MILLION times better!

    That game is called Chibi Robo!
    A heartwarming story about a familywoes, unemployment and other familydramas. For its time exrtemely detailed and sadly often overlooked.

  6. hemmingjay says:

    I’m so sick of these Minecraft clones! Notch is going to get litigious on their asses!

    • Rivalus says:

      The should do more than making the character round

    • Continuity says:

      MInecraft? are you mad… this is clearly a COD clone. Shameful really.

  7. Spider Jerusalem says:

  8. Totally heterosexual says:

    Well this sucks.

  9. ruaidhri.k says:

    I own a roomba and fully endorse this product.

    except on stairs

  10. 1Life0Continues says:

    The first mod for this game: link to

    • pilouuuu says:

      That would be amazing! As long as they don’t include Nyan Cat or else they’ll have copyright problems.

  11. NyuBomber says:

    Waiting for the Dyson version so I can pay 11 million dollars for the same thing because it rolls around on a ball.

  12. c-Row says:

    Jazz is the new dubstep.

  13. bangalores says:

    I’m filthy at this game.

  14. BreadBitten says:

    I cannot be the only one who thought of this reading the title…

  15. Hunchback says:

    Is that a joke?

  16. cloudnein says:

    1) Can’t wait for the DLC that will add the dreaded electric cord that is guaranteed to tangle inside the vacuum moving bits.

    2) Where does my Roomba show its score? I think it may have one worthy of a leaderboard.

    3) Is there a Twitch.TV channel for this game? If not, the end is not quite nigh.

  17. Hunchback says:

    Gonna mail those guys, propose them to make Coffee Machine Simulator 2014 and Microwave Oven Simulator 2015, shit will sell like dope! (what’s with the years and simulators anyway? Is everything ran by EA now?)

  18. The Random One says:

    I eagerly await the gameplay video set the Bangarang that will materialize three minutes after its release.

  19. MacTheGeek says:

    Clearly the homeowners are away at work, installing microwave ovens and making custom kitchen deliveries. Moving refrigerators and color TVs and stuff.

  20. Faxanadu says:

    How to make this into an epic game: After 5 hours of vacuuming, aliens burst through the window to do battle with your vacuuming robot. Epicness comes from the 1 guy who witnessed it trying to convince others.

  21. Bagpuss says:

    Is this real?

    Does no-one else think that this is beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel?

    • Ralphomon says:

      This is scraping beyond the bottom of the barrel

      To the rich seam of gold and gems below the barrel