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Brendan Caldwell

4 days ago

Feature: "The name's Seven... Forty Seven"

Hitman 3 review

You know what you're getting into. The empathy-void assassin of the Hitman trilogy is an anti-Santa who only has a "naughty" list and never a "nice" one. He visits the rich and powerful once every couple of years, to shove lumps of coal down their throat because they've been selling AK-47s to babies. Here he is again in the final instalment of the most recent…

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2 weeks ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 10 most wholesome families in PC games

Pack your bags, wrap the presents, put your scarf around your neck. And then sit down because, I'm sorry, you're going nowhere. It's bad, yeah. Even yours truly, a respected list goblin of note, could not make it back to his family in time for the holidays due to the ongoing vengeance of mother nature. But listen. What if I told you: "video games"? They…

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1 month ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 9 worst neighbourhoods in PC games

Many of you are by now bathing in twinkling neon ravelights and swooning into the metal arms of Cyberpunk 2077's humourless unhunks, who stalk the streets of Night City like animatronic pizza restaurant mascots gone feral. That is fine. There are worse places to find oneself in the labyrinthine hell of video games. Places such as these. Here are 9 neighbourhoods you wouldn't want to…

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2 months ago

Feature: Implausible deniability

Call of Duty: Black Ops Cold War singleplayer review

Heads up, your yearly package of guns and gimmickry has been incoming ever since we discovered its name from that most reliable of informants: a Doritos packet. As ever, Call Of Duty: Black Ops Cold War will see you wordlessly slaying any number of Iranians, Turks, Vietnamese, Russians, Germans, Cubans, all in the name of Uncle Sam and, this time, under the approving, wrinkled eyes…

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3 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 7 worst US Presidents in video games

You thought it was over. You believed the year of anguish would be a memory by now. I’m sorry, you were wrong. The carousel of disharmony will never cease, and neither will the bumper car motorcade of video games. This week, the United States of America chooses a President in a logistical process entirely in-keeping with the carnival metaphor I am here constructing. Even in…

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Feature: Scourgebring it on

ScourgeBringer review

Comparisons to Dead Cells might come easily, but platforming slash 'n' dash ScourgeBringer feels less like a modernised Castlevania and more like an answer to the question: “What if Samurai Gunn had a single player story mode?” This is a question that nobody, save the developers of this gun-toting room clearer, seems to have asked. We should be ashamed of ourselves.

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Feature: Disc can't go unplayed

Disc Room review

I’d put two thumbs up if they weren’t busy dodging jagged platters of death. Disc Room is Nokia’s snake for those who shrug off mortality. Devil Daggers for people who want to set their FOV to 360 degrees. Anyone who has lived for eons in the seven circles of bullet hell might play it happily and shelve it alongside some good ones. It might even…

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4 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 9 best spaceships in PC games

Happy Star Wars: Squadrons day, internet. I have nothing to offer but the sneer of a veteran Elite Dangerous pilot. A disdainful scoff as you vroomify your engines in the docking bay, click-clacking your flight checks in the seat of some dusty Y-wing, some classless X-Wing, some bogus B-wing. Who do you think you are? Sitting there in the pilot’s seat of that garish tin…

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Feature: BREAK the cycle

Star Renegades review

There is a lot happening in Star Renegades. For a seemingly small game it throws an absurd amount of idea clay into the RPG kiln. What comes out of that fire is an impressive, if unwieldy, mosaic pot. You can easily spot pieces of other games. Into The Breach’s do-over storytelling, Grandia-esque timeline battles, a whiff of Shadow Of Mordor’s nemeses, and not-quite-Persona levels of…

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5 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 10 worst kings and queens in PC games

Regicide is once again a topic at dinner, thanks to the release of Crusader Kings III. Your aunt passes you the gravy, and asks about council matters. Your mother comments on the rise in guillotine stocks. Your father, the king, chews his mutton with a rueful and distant glare, probably thinking about war. A cloaked advisor enters and hands you a note on parchment. “The…

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Feature: Remember jokes?

Wasteland 3 review

It’s a big boy, gunslingers, but not a great boy. Wasteland 3 is okay, passable, middling. It should be commended for its sheer heft, its days-long bulkiness no doubt welcome in the face of our own ongoing apocalypse, but that doesn’t make its writing any less puerile, nor its combat any less uninspired. For some, this in-jokey game of tactics and chin-wagging will fill a…

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6 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 9 best dogs in PC games

All dogs go to heaven, we have heard it said. But what about videogame dogs? By the virtue of their non-existence you may suspect they are refused entry. However, after contemplating the issue for some time, our finest minds in the listicle archives have concluded that, yes, even videogame dogs go to heaven. What a relief. Here are the 10 goodest boys in PC games,…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 9 best magic spells in PC games

Hubbish bubbish, rhymes are rubbish, eye of newt and blah blah blah. Gosh, magic is a chore. If only we had a catalyst to... Oh, hello reader, what are you doing here? Well, as it happens, yes, you can help me out. Just stand over here while I scratch these runes around you. I’m trying to summon the 9 best magic spells in PC games,…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 9 weirdest animals in PC games

As the fuzzy denizens of earth pivot to non-existence, we will soon be left with an unclear memory of the animal kingdom's bizarre court. The elephant, for instance, what even is it? I cannot help with that question, I’m not a marine biologist. But what I can offer is a tour of endangered videogame wildlife. Otherworldly creatures you can’t find beneath the rocks of reality…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 7 best couriers in PC games

Death Stranding, the walking simulator about the sad Deliveroo man, is finally out on PC, allowing thousands of keyboard clackers to decode the complex metaphors embedded within such characters as “Mama”, a woman with a baby, and “Heartman”, a man with a pacemaker, played here by an aging and tired Danny Wallace. Look beyond the sub-textual nuance of such masterful creations, however, and you will…

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7 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 10 best cars in videogames

From an early age, humans know that if they want to be taken seriously, they must learn how to deliver a convincing car noise. Vrrrrummm, they might say. Or perhaps: brrrrrr-bp-brrr. These are the nascent efforts of the budding speed freak, and they must be respected. But once again the realm of videogames encroaches upon the germinal life of the human with pitiless velocity. Car…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 9 worst scientists in PC games

Science, the most difficult of the arts. We are trained from toddlerhood to respect and fear the products of scientific advancement, such as the selfie sticks or mechanical pencil. The unsurpassed boffins who create such devices are worthy of admiration. But there is one realm in which science is not such a gentle guardian of the people. That’s right, it’s videogames. In games, scientists are…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 9 best nights out in games

Down it, down it, dowwwn it, yeeaahhh! Nice one, you skulled that pint of fizzy water and lemon like an absolute legend, mate, well done. I always knew you were a top enjoyer of a wild night on the tiles, on the rip, on the slosh, on the tear, on the floor, on the bathroom floor, no listen you’re on the bathroom floor mate, for…

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Feature: One Off The List

The 8 bleakest post-apocalypses in PC games

Post-apocalyptic videogames, the ultimate escape. How wonderful to venture to a strange land, so different from our own, and see what the world may look like an entire week from now. Well, today the PlayStation clan secluded themselves behind their barricades with The Last Of Us Part 2, leaving the PC tribe to suffer in the harsh elements of reality alone. But never fear, wanderer.…

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8 months ago

Feature: One Off The List

The 9 most desperate cowboys in PC games

[Warning: this article must be read entirely in a comedy cowboy voice]Howdy pardner. Spittoon? Take it, we got a whole crate of them right here. Every god-fearing outlaw needs a good spittoon at their heels, as my grandmammy used to say. Hoo-wee, what a women. She was known to enjoy a strong snifter of list article, you know. Everyone who visited got a spittoon and…

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