Jerkwad Cat Simulator: Catlateral Damage

By Nathan Grayson on August 26th, 2013 at 3:00 pm.

Yes, I knocked down that television. Do not question it, or I will knock down your entire home.

True fact: I was raised by cats. True fact the second: my first word was “meow.” I’m not joking about that, either. Point is, I very much get the cat mentality. I grew up around them, and I understand the tiny acts of terrorism they are capable of unleashing upon their small domestic worlds. And let’s face it: we, as humans, probably have it coming. I mean, how dare we ever leave the house or not be in a specific spot at an arbitrary time or not clean the litter box every 15 minutes or let the sun go down and ruin their sunbeam or pet them the wrong way or pet them the right way for too long? In these cases, the only answer is swift and frighteningly calculated retribution. Time for Catalateral Damage. Time to break some shit. Poor, oblivious humans. How else will they learn?

Cats are jerks – seemingly for no reason, but mostly for incredibly specific reasons that we can never hope to understand. Catlateral Damage lets us live the cathartic aftermath of such an episode. You, a cat, are stuck in you’re owner’s room. The solution? Daintily paw at objects large and small until you have successfully BROKEN EVERYTHING. Sometimes you might nudge until gravity does the rest, other times a flippant flick of the paw will do the trick in satisfyingly sadistic fashion. You’ve got a two minute time limit. Go!

That’s really all there is to it. Catlateral Damage is about as basic and inconsequential as can be, and that’s exactly what I wanted from it. Be a cat. Do total jerkstore asshole cat things. The end. In this dog-heavy year of games, it’s exactly the dander-and-fur-ridden breath of fresh air we need. It’s also probably the most accurate cat simulation in the history of gaming. What more could you want? Play it now.

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35 Comments »

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  1. Dozer says:

    This looks to be very cathartic.

    • Dowr says:

      Yes, but it may turn out a catastrophe.

      • Velko says:

        I’m going to have to paws and think about this.

        …jesus we’ve gone through all the cat puns a meowllion times lately.

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          distantlurker says:

          I’ve yet to see a purrfect one.

          • Grygus says:

            Oh fur the love of Pet, not the purrfectionists! You dogs ruin everything with your paw-faced antics, claiming that nothing can be good without being absolutely clawless. I’d rather a nip of heaven than nothing at all! The comments section is littered with these kinds of standards, which I propounce ridiculous; thinking along those felines would render anyone catatonic.

      • Skabooga says:

        We’ll see, I’m playing it right meow.

    • rebb says:

      I’m well in the mewd for this.

    • CJMBC says:

      will be intresting to see how this… Catches on.

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      Vandelay says:

      It does tell a good tail and they don’t milk it.

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      golem09 says:

      This is like playing Skullgirls with Ms. Fortune.

    • cvety says:

      When I play this gamehttp://furg.net/the-impossible-game/ on my tv connected to the computer I often want to smash it :)

  2. Turkey says:

    Is this better or worse than Dog’s Life for the PS2?

    • thecat17 says:

      Since you lack the thumbs to operate a gamepad, I believe Catlateral Damage wins by default.

  3. Jade Raven says:

    The fact that this might be the most accurate cat simulation is what is wrong with computer gaming.

    I’m serious. Why isn’t there a proper cat-sim where you go around as a cat from first-person or thight third-person (cats are people in this case) perspective. Where you can perform normal cat things like climbing trees or killing and eating birds. Or ‘gaming’ humans into giving you food.

    Controls might be made sufficiently intuitive enough to attract people like my Mum who don’t otherwise play computer games, opening up a market.

    Why hasn’t this happened yet?

    • BTAxis says:

      A proper cat-sim would need a fully destructible environment.

    • TormDK says:

      Didn’t Sims 3 – Pets allow for that sort of gameplay? (Minus the bird eating obviously)

    • Kollega says:

      I thought of making a first-person exploration game set in a Russian village where you play as a cat. Explore dusty attics filled with stuff the humans no longer need, eavesdrop on conversations that were not meant to be heard, and either hunt down mice who threaten the grain stores, or ravage a cache of fish caught by a very lucky fisherman the day before – the choice is yours.

      • cptgone says:

        sounds like fun to me!

      • SuicideKing says:

        In Soviet Russia, cats simulate you.

      • The Random One says:

        I had a very similar idea, except mine would be third person with Assassin’s Creed style controls, in a quiet New England island just off the coast accessible only by ferry, and with extensive cat customization features (catsmization?)

        • QueenKelly1929 says:

          All these games need to be made. I will honestly buy all the cat-simulation games. All of them.

      • Jade Raven says:

        Exactly! There are games out there that are incrementally improving things in good ways (The Witcher 3, etc), but there is nowhere near enough of this radically different type of game being made. It’s like everyone looked at the Sims and then went back to making shooters (or sworders [RPGs]).

        Why don’t large publishers have skunk-works style dev teams working on these things. Or if they do, why are they failing?

        A cat-sim has been in the back of mind for ages too. Anyone else got some crazy-obvious game ideas that haven’t been tried?

      • cptgone says:

        oh, and don’t forget mating!
        although that will have John Walker’s mob cry “enabling of rape culture” again….

      • Archangel says:

        I would just *love* a Sir You Are Being a Cat game.

      • QueenKelly1929 says:

        I need this game right now.

    • SuicideKing says:

      Take-On Cats.

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    Rikard Peterson says:

    Reminds me of the game “Conan Kill Everything”.

  5. Grayman says:

    Finally we can play Catamari Damacy

  6. DestructibleEnvironments says:

    “You, a cat, are stuck in you’re owner’s room”
    “you’re”

    Oh my god! No, it can’t be true, nooo! *Gets a bad case of heart attack*

    • Curundir says:

      Forgive Nathan, he’s American – their making this kind of mistake often. Besides, he couldn’t have known about you’re heart.

  7. DonkeyCity says:

    Considering what truly awful pets cats many are, there must be a whole generation of Internet-cat-video-kids living with them and deeply regretting it. For every great cat, there’s a dozen that should live outside with the squirrels.

  8. randdy says:

    my classmate’s sister-in-law makes $83 hourly on the internet. She has been out of a job for eight months but last month her check was $14577 just working on the internet for a few hours. Read more on this site http://www.jazz77.com

  9. MatthewLeeFarmer says:

    Huh. This is very similar to my game:

    http://www.mynameismatt.net/cat/

  10. cvety says:

    When I play this gamehttp://furg.net/the-impossible-game/ on my tv connected to the computer I often want to smash it :)

  11. cvety says:

    When I play this game http://furg.net/the-impossible-game/ on my tv connected to the computer I often want to smash it :)