Wot I Think: Glittermitten Grove

Building games are supposed to be in-depth and serious. We deserve towering cranes, gleaming interplanetary landers and complex networks of conveyor belts, not cutsey fairies, sunbeams and magical fruit. Glittermitten Grove [official site], a wretched and insipid affair, rips the meaning and the strategy out of a noble genre – a cynical cash-in made from what looks like clipart, making a quick buck out of legions of creatively-minded PC gamers who long only to escape from a world that hates and fears them.

Glittermitten Grove was excreted onto Steam towards the end of last year, a bleak Christmas present from someone who clearly despises videogames and everyone who plays them.

It is saccharine in the extreme, a relentless grind of faux-cheer and the kind of art one might find on a pop-up-choked website full of browser games aggressively targeted at young girls.

I will grudgingly admit that there is a kind of strategy to it. Resources must be farmed by building collectors within sunbeams, but the position of those collectors change as your plant-based settlement’s weight shifts whenever new structures are added to it.

Another resource is obtained by casting firework spells into the earth, blowing tunnels that contain crystals and other treasures. After a suitable amount of mind-numbing repetition in this vein, it vaguely resembles a Tinkerbell-themed Terraria.

Don’t be fooled by screenshots to this effect. Glittermitten Grove is nothing but misery. Build, wait for meters to refill, endure, repeat, self-loathe.

Games are one of the greatest expressions of human imagination that there is. To see the form squandered this way, devoid of even trace elements of ingenuity and invention, is a tragedy. As I played Glittermitten Grove, grim to the core underneath its thin pastel skin, I lost all faith in videogames. Butts to all of this.

Glittermitten Grove is out now via Steam for £15/$20/€20.

From this site

29 Comments

  1. Author X says:

    What a shame, it only lives up to a fraction of its potential.

  2. BaconAndWaffles says:

    first comment, not mine
    read the whole article, i did
    only about glittermitten grove, not true
    good job, rps
    fun little game, i think so
    read between the lines, to be in the know
    alternate reality game, is your first clue
    2 much anticipation, for a game about amphibious ratios

  3. Sunjammer says:

    Well that was pointless.

  4. Nice Save says:

    Tinkerbell-themed Terraria

    3 Ts in a row? Half-Life 3 confirmed!

  5. Premium User Badge

    subdog says:

    This just convinced me to re-up my RPS subscription. So good.

  6. TehK says:

    Please never change, RPS (in general) and Alec (in particular) :D

  7. ButteringSundays says:

    As much as a love the offshoot articles it seems the responsibility falls upon me to remind those with young children (and dogs and cats) that outside of your own home nobody cares what they do/say/think/smell of.

    • GHudston says:

      Agreed, though I will permit pet owners to share cute photographs of their pets doing cute things so that I may say “aw” at my leisure. I don’t want to see your kids though, my street is already full of the little gits.

    • Zorganist says:

      I enjoyed it.

    • Premium User Badge

      BertieDugger says:

      The kid’s comments were the best bits!

      Why can’t we have ones with dresses which are girl ones?!

  8. A Gentleman and a Taffer says:

    Brilliant

  9. caff says:

    Agreed, brilliant review. I think it sums up the game perfectly.

  10. detarame says:

    Not sure how the RPS pay scale works, but I hope you got a bonus for this.

    How does one review a game that is a bunch of minigames made up of chopped up game parts hidden inside another game only revealed through a stupid-ass, shaggy-dog alternate reality game?

    Oh, like this!

  11. lesslucid says:

    I badly wanted there to be text hidden behind the black “t” of “event”, but it’s just a typo. :(

  12. Monggerel says:

    … tiMe, DoCTor frEEmaN?
    is It rEAlLy THAT tImE aGaIn?

    • Premium User Badge

      kfix says:

      You left out a P

      • Monggerel says:

        s̴̐̐ͬĥͫ̒̆ͤ̒̄u̒̾͊’̆̑͒̂̾u͆̿ͧ̒͗͡lͥ͑̓ͬ͘a͌͆th̨̃ͦ̏ͭ͊ͦ̚oͨ̅̎͆ì͌ͬ̔̎ ̡̽̋̄͋ͯc̊͛͂oͤn̵ͭ̏̑f̌̏̋i͋̏̓̾̄r̿ͭͦ̍ͬ͆̏m̏̏̌̓̄̌͌͠ě͑͌͆̚dͦͯͣ̇̏̃
        ͒̽̀c̡̆͒͊hͫ̋͗̾͂͋͜ė̃͡c͡k̍̋ ̽͂̅̐͌͌ͣt̅̽h͒͑e̾̅̆̊͂ͤ̂̀ ̑͆ͪ͑̒͞d̈̓͟r̓̑y̓̓̒ͮ̊̒ ̿̔̔̓̓́d̸̾͆ôͯͫc͑ͨ̇̄ͥ̓͢k̊͊̌̀

  13. Kalibur says:

    Hey Alec,

    The game might be rubbish but apparently it hides something magnificient inside its folds: Frog Fractions 2.

    No, I’m not even joking.

    “In December, a person who finished an ARG challenge was sent an actual, physical launch button that would bring Frog Fractions 2 into the world. When they put a key from another ARG challenge into it and pressed the button, it made a noise like a car starting. At that moment, Crawford made Frog Fractions 2 go live inside Glittermitten Grove. A group called The Game Detectives discovered it shortly after. You have to play some of that game to find a door that gets you into Crawford’s no-longer-secret creation.”

    • Premium User Badge

      kfix says:

      Yeah…. this review also hides something magnificent….

    • bhauck says:

      I love that you both assured us you weren’t joking and provided evidence. You couldn’t have constructed a better “not getting it” post if you’d tried (which you might have).

      • Velleic says:

        Well, you don’t know that! Maybe they’re seriously colour-blind. Or their monitor is black and white?

        • Kalibur says:

          To be fair, something very close to that happened. I have one of those monitor screens at the office that greyscale everything. I literally did not consciously perceive the colour difference. But I have no excuse for missing the previous comments that were much more subtle. Meh.

    • Edgewise says:

      Yo, that’s CRAZY!

    • Flopdong says:

      I was trying to figure out what the colored letters were all about. I can only find FROGFRA though… seems kinda unfinished

  14. DBGDBG says:

    I didn’t like the article. The tone of it mostly.
    For example, the Biker Chicks game features photos of kickstarter backers. There was a tier in Frog Fraction 2 kickstarter to have your photo featured in the game. Why describe these people it in pejoratives? It wasn’t the developer’s choice at all about who those people would be. Why say that they are “invariably male” ignoring all the female backers?

    Also, doesn’t look like the journalist has any idea about most references.

    • lycrashampoo says:

      To be fair, I had a beard in mine, and it’s not the first time I’ve been misgendered by a three-year-old. There was at least one other youngish white woman who may or may not have been a developer though!

  15. Otterley says:

    So 7/10?