Steam Charts: Ho Ho Ho Dear Edition

Ho ho hello readers! It’s Father Christmas here! I hope you’ve all been good boys and girls this year! Now, let me see, what have you all been wishing for? Goodness gracious, it’s all PC games! Well, I wouldn’t know much about those I suppose, but let’s have a look…

Ever since the divorce, you see, I’ve mostly been playing PS4.

10. Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy

Isn’t life, in many ways, like Getting Over It With Bennett Foddy, children? We take impressive leaps forward, finding that sense of fulfilment and achievement that comes with developing the technology to visit billions of homes in a single night, hundreds of years before the enlightenment, in order to deliver toys to all the boys and girls, and then apparently that’s not enough to “sustain a healthy relationship”!

Ho ho, “Getting over it!” That’s what I’ve been doing, I suppose! Mary leaving me, that is.

9. Okami HD

A lone wolf. That’s me! Ho ho ho. Ho ho. I like to think I’ve painted some magic into the world over my years, brought joy and colour into the lives of little children all around the Earth! I’d like to imagine that the amount of hard work this involves would be recognised by those near and dear, that it’s a lot of pressure, that this is inevitably going to lead to some long hours in the holiday season.

Maybe I’ll see if some of the elves want to come over to play cards tonight? Let me just check this whiskey is good.

7. Fallout 4 VR

As an immortal being, I’d still be around after an apocalypse. Which is the sort of thing you think about in those long summers. And sure, you can start to think about that too much, I suppose. But look, it’s reasonable too – I’ve constantly updated my technology and abilities to be able to cope with the accelerating increase in Earth’s population, five times larger since 100 years ago. FIVE TIMES. What would I do if there were, I don’t know, a couple of million left? I’d have to let most of the elves go. And that’s before we get into the more severe disaster scenarios, the ones where there’s just a handful of humans left. Or none. None at all. What then? I live for eternity, delivering nothing to anyone… *sip*

But apparently I’m not allowed to think about these things. Apparently this is “moping”. And “too much for any wife to live with”.

6. They Are Billions

That’s what I kept telling her! Billions! Just shy of two billion under 15s on my list. And “naughty” and “nice” are hardly simple categories to sort by. It’s just not black and white like that! I have to take into account social circumstances, parenting quality, educational opportunities… Just because someone wrote “checking it twice” into a song doesn’t make it true! It requires constant monitoring, more each year as child populations increase – so please that’s enough with all these jokes about only working one night a year! Mary.

Phew, I guess this whiskey bottle must have been almost empty when I started!

4. Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six Siege – Year 3 Pass

Oh ho, this is more like it! Had my year 3 pass straight away, gotta get them extra R6 credits!

I’m not playing on PC, schildren, admittedly. My old computer can barely cope with the Excel schpreadsheets! No, since the whole businesch I’ve found myself much more comfortable on the couch in my nook. Mini-fridge of milk next to the sofa, cookiesh and minchce pies in a neat pile on the floor next to me, it honestly makes much more sensh that I sleep here rather than in that schilly old bed! The whiskey’s in the cupboard in here anyway.

8, 5, 3. ARK: Survival Evolved

And I thought my listsch were complicated! ARK’s main game is at #8, the Aberration expansion pack is at #5, and the season pass for the game is at #3! I might pick this up for my PlayStation, if I ever get finished with Siege.

Talking of which, I’ll let you in on a little schecret, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I can’t schtand those Xbox One players. Thisch year I’m putting anyone who asks for one right on the naughty lischt!

2. Grand Theft Auto V

You know what right? Maybe this is the best thing thatsch ever happened to me? I’ve got so much more time to just bloody focus on work, and improve my rankinsch in Scheige. And the elvesh do moscht of the work anyway thesche daysh.

Maybe itsch time to shee how many of those mommiesch ashherlly want to kisch Santa Claus?

1. Plunkbat

I bloody love you, right? You know that, right? Right? Right right right. Yeah it doeshent need to be complicattle… comillcapple… comple-cate… it doesshent need to be hard. I JUSSHT LOVE YOU MARY.

I’m juss gonna lischten to this onemoretime:


  1. zulnam says:

    Santa needs to hit the single mom date sites or the only thing he’ll be coming in next year is a sock.

    Thank you, thank you ladies and gentlemen.

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      Nauallis says:

      Word is that Santa is more of a stocking stuffer, wink wink.

  2. Phantom_Renegade says:

    Is RPS ever going to fix it’s log-in system? All signs point to no… Honestly, that’s probably the only thing keeping me from premium-subscriber status. I love the site, but it’s incredibly user-unfriendly. I just imagined I was paying for an interface/experience this clunky and shuddered.

    Secondly… I think the Steam Charts have claimed another victim and turned John insane. I vote Alice takes over. Not just because she’s the best writer on here, but her particular brand of innate crazyness might innoculate her to the Ctulhu madness inducing powers of the Steam Charts.

    • Godwhacker says:

      That’s the only thing? You should subscribe, you’ll be able to see all the secret controls that you can use to log out other users or introduce spelling errors

    • LewdPenguin says:

      What’s so bad about the RPS login? It asks for your username, password, and occasionally to add a couple of small numbers together. There’s no dicking around where your password has to contain exactly 7 punctuation characters, 13% upper case letters and a quadratic equation in order to be valid, as is the case on far too many sites.
      The only slightly annoying feature is that after logging in it takes you to your profile page not back to the article you wanted to comment on, but eh, I find the loss of the notification about additional comments rather more annoying than the 2 clicks back to where I wanted to be.

      • Darth Gangrel says:

        By clicking on “login to reply”, you’ll get sent to the article you were reading, but have to click on “Reply” if you actually wanted to reply to that comment.

        When I’m the first to comment on an article, I’ve sometimes gone to another article, clicked on “login to reply” and then just clicked two times on the backwards button on my mouse to get to the article I wanted to comment on in the first place. I find this a better solution, though perhaps just because I came up with it myself and it doesn’t take me to my profile page, which is a place I have no interest in visiting.

        • LewdPenguin says:

          That’s the button I generally use to get to the login screen, but after a successful login it dumps me to my profile page. From there if I go back twice I’ll be on the right page for where I wanted to comment, but not logged in, very possibly because failfox is just redisplaying the page again from cache not actually reopening it from the RPS hamsterfarms. If I then refresh the page I’ll be showing as logged in, but that’s a total of 3 inputs over 2 if I just use the RSS feed to reopen the article.

          I wouldn’t be surprised if the failure to return to the article after login as you describe is related to some of the large pile of scripts blocked on RPS, in part these differences in user experience due to varying browser configurations is why I’m curious as to what various people find so unpleasant about logging into RPS since I see it commented on moderately often, and as said other than being dumped at the profile page (which may or may not be related to my settings anyway) I personally find it to be one of the simplest sites to sign into/remember the details for.

        • John Walker says:

          You have to remember that RPS is a website held together with string. That it’s possible to log in at all is a miracle worthy of religious devotion.

          (This is all stuff we’re working on, now we have the pockets of EvilCorp to spend from.)

        • April March says:

          I remember when logging in would bring you back to the home page and very nearly shouted “Luxury!”

    • UnConsolable says:

      At least your replies actually appear! I’ve disabled all my extensions to no avail. Perhaps this will work from my phone. (Ewww…) Edit: HOORAY! ahem, LUXURY!!!

  3. nitwit says:

    Am I the only one who had trouble following this? It’s like an excerpt from Santa’s steam chart conspiracy theory manifesto.

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      phuzz says:

      You should probably try drinking along with Santa at home. Time it so that you’re near the bottom of a bottle of whiskey by the time you reach Plunkbat and it’ll make much more sense, I promise.

    • lancelot says:

      I’ll translate:
      Okami is great, play Okami.
      They Are Billions is new, might be worth a look.
      The end.

      • LewdPenguin says:

        Okami is indeed great, I remember enjoying it greatly back when it first appeared on sonystation, despite IIRC a couple of awkward difficulty spikes, and indeed everyone should play it.

      • Caiman says:

        Can you please write all future Steam Charts posts, thanks.

        • lancelot says:

          I can write all my future Steam Charts posts right now:
          Week 2: Okami is still great, play Okami.
          Week 3: Okami… I can’t do this, sorry.

  4. hostilecrab says:

    I have to admit, I’m a little unhappy with the portrayal of Jolly Saint Nick as a bitter alcoholic divorcee. It seems a real shame to reduce a representation of ultimate generosity into something so cynically human…

    I’m probably looking into it too deeply. Bah. Humbug.

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      particlese says:

      I was somewhere between o_O and -_- on this week’s write-up, which is a first. Hoping it doesn’t reflect the author’s mental state as they madly pump articles into the semi-automatic holiday WordPress queue, or try to find holiday freelancers up to RPS standards, or worry about us all going mad without quality videogames writing if those first two options are out…

    • napoleonic says:

      I thought it was a bit on the nasty side too. Like, “I am such a hipster I want to portray Father Christmas as a divorced alcoholic, lol I am so edgy.”

    • Darth Gangrel says:

      What shocked me more than reading about Santa’s divorce is that CS:GO *isn’t* on the list!?

      That game is about as much a part of the steam charts as Santa is to Christmas.

    • John Walker says:

      I think Santa’s going to be OK…

  5. Premium User Badge

    Nauallis says:

    A “Mary Christmas” to all has an entirely new implication now, yikes.

    I’m giving a pre-dominantly PC gaming friend an xbox one for Christmas, because I am a monster.

  6. wackazoa says:

    Dear Father Christmas…. might I suggest not adding “The Night Santa Went Crazy” by Weird Al to your listening list. Also sorry to hear of your split with Ms. Claus. I hope this doesn’t in any way affect your ability to bring me more money for this Christmas than in years past…. those Steam sale games aren’t gonna pay for themselves!

    Ive been a good girl this year,

  7. Omenvoir says:

    Specifically registered and logged in to say how excited I am to see you guys link a “Low” song on one of your articles.

  8. caff says:

    Dear Santa,

    I wish to complain.

    I got a “smtp; 550 5.1.1” error when trying to email you.

    This experience means I won’t be leaving a mince pie out for you this year.

    But merry Christmas anyway.

    Lots of love,

  9. Vasily R says:

    Loved the Father Christmas flavor!

  10. parsley says:

    Poor Santa! I’ll be sure to replace this year’s milk with single malt.