Skip to main content

Cardboard Children: Raising A Glass

King Loserpants

Helklo youse.

It's four in the morning and I am reallky really drunk. I will try to fix the typos as I go, but I think it would be dishonest of me to entirely clean this page up. Some of the stuff should re4main intact to speak truly of my condition as I bring you this column.

It's a columhn about my list abou the best games you can be deciding to play when tou are drunbk.


It's fun to play games when you are drunk. It's fun to do lots of things when you are drunk (have sex, dance, take out the bins “quietly”). But which games let you have good fun with them even when drunk? I mean, forget about something like Arkham Horror. There would be cards everywhere and no-one would remember the rules and inevitabvly, with the size of the table, someone would end up shagging a great old one on top of a Great Old One. No, a good drunk game needs to be something simple, with easily remembered rules, that is a HOOT to play.



First up has to be Buzz It! Here's how I remember it working. You have this buzzer thing and a pile of question cards. You take the buzzer and take a card, and ask everyone one of the questions. It might be something like “What is the worst thing you could show your teacher?” Or maybe something like “Places you shouldn't put your finger.” I can't remember. Questions, anyway. Topics. And many of the questions offer the potential for some naughty answers and stuff. Anyway, the quetstion gets asked and then you push the buzzer and everyone gets five seconds to answer.


Up your wife's arse.


I dunno. In a very small fire?


Up YOUR arse.


Up your vagina.


And if someone doesn't answer in five seconds, the buzzer buzzes and the loser takes the question card. The person with the most cards at the end is King Loserpants. That's it. I love this game. With a funny group of people it can be a riot. And all it really is is an electronic buzzer and some cards in a bag. Yep. Imagine playing something like this no I'm not going there.


I've spoken about King of Tokyo before in this column. Man, I love it. And it's simple enough to be a great drunk game. Roll some dice, hit your friends, play some cards, laugh and scream. It's amazxing! I know for sure that whenever I get druink I like to pretend I am some sort of Goidzilla, breathing fire and hornyness at everybody. GOOOOODZILLLAAAA! I like the rabbit one.

CASH 'N Ghiya. No just vwriting my rps coliumnm. Why byou up?UNS

Wow. I'd like to talk about thgis more later. Cash 'N Guns is this cool game where everybvody is like bank robbers or something after a heist. And every player has a foam gun. You lay out some of the money from the heist on the table, and then you secretly play a card from your hand. You have some cards that say CLICK and some that say BANG! And some that say BANG! BANG! BANG! Or something. And then when it comes time to divide up a share of the money, everyone points their guns at each other, to try and intimidate each other.

So, yeah, picture it. You;'re all drunk,. You;re all at a table pointing guns at each other, like something from Resrvor Dofs, You then have a choice of backing down, and not receiving your split of the money, or keeping your gun up and waiting to see whether whoever points at you is clicking or banging. Is this making sense? Sorry, so drunk. And then, whoever is still alive/standing when all the guns go off gets to split the cash for that round.

The gam,e is so simnple it feels like it shouldn't work, but it does. You can really get into the character oif your gangster as you point a gun in a friend's face. Occasionally there are turns where everyone is pointing their gub at one person, and that's funny. I feel sick.


Wait. I want to get to something someone said tin the comments last week. They said something like “OH ROBERTY YOU SAY EVERY GAME IS AMZING, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ANYMORE!!!”

Okay. Look. Look.

These are boatrd games, pal. Bopafd games. Board games. These aren't computer or video games, where 90 percent of the stuff that hits the shelves is CREAP. Board games are playtested and playtestedf and playtested. And you know what? There are LOADS of amazing ones. That's why guys like Tom Vasel have a Top 100 list. THERE ARE LOADS OF AMAZING BOARF GAMES. Board Games. DEAL WITH IR!

Well, I am soooooory if you haver a poroblem with me making it clear that there's SO MUCH good stuff outy there. I am so so so so so so sorry that board gaming isn't as CRAPPY as computer gaming is. SOOOOOORRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!

I am sorry that CORRUPT HACK BASTARAD videogame journaliosts have made you so suspicious of praise that you instantly tune out when someone is positive about a lot of stuff. But don't apply yuour shitty reasoning from your shitty viudeogames (which I love, by the way) to my amazing board gam,es.

I need to have a lid wo. A lie down.

I cannpot send this in tomorrow. It's a mess.


Next wek I'll be loking at Claustrophobia and Blood Bowl: Team Manager. I promise I'll be sober.


Did I evn finish it? CHECK tomor,w

dontys edn ti. Dont send it.

EXTRA – 11am Saturday

Hi. James Purefoy here.

I'd like to apologise for the standard of today's board game column by my good friend Robert Florence. We had quite a wild night last night, and after two beers Rob was flying high. We hit all the best Glasgow nights spots – Sleazies, The Garage, and then I forced Rob to take me to 7th Heaven to watch some strippers.

While getting a lapdance, I listened to Rob telling me about a new board game he had bought called Space Alert. It sounded, to be honest, like the most boring thing on earth – even more boring than that Walking Dead TV show I wasn't even offered a part in. He, however, told myself and 19 year old blonde Aimee that he was very excited by it. It's a co-op game, he said, whatever that is. And all the players are trying to avert disasters on a spaceship while a ten minute audio track plays that says things like “ALERT! THREAT INCOMING!”

He said, and I quote here “It's kinda like Pandemic in a way, but with a ten minute time limit, and funnier and scarier and more shouting and AUUGHHHHHHHHHHHGHGH!” That was him being sick. He was then flung out onto the street, where he was mugged.

Later, while 19 year old blonde Aimee was grinding on my muscular naked form in a Glasgow Travel Inn, I had a long think about the notion of listening to an audio track of stupid robot voices while playing a stupid board game. It didn't sound very appealing, but the sense of drama that Rob insisted it created reminded me of the kind of drama you'd find in one of my movies. And that can only be a positive thing.

Solomon Kane is available on Blu-Ray now.

Read this next