Sometimes, late at night, I like to browse through the entries on Gamespress. It just makes me feel safe, comfortable, surrounded by the news that the games - they are always arriving. Shhhhh, it's okay John, games are coming soon. So many games. So very many I've never heard of, too. And I think, "The Enigma Of Daggers? On PC? What's that then?" And discover that Fight For Tuesdays/Cars That Can Walk/Heroes Of Heroic Hearing is not the potentially exciting new single-player RPG/FPS I've been waiting for, but in fact another (quite possibly potentially exciting) new MMO that's being precariously balanced on top of the teetering pile. While (as much as I wish they were) none of those games are real, the following all are, and all appeared on GP in the last few days. Let me take you through my thought process with each encounter. (This is worth it for Lucent Heart alone.)
You may remember I did this once before. And at the time people spoke up and said, "Guns Forever And Forever?! That's amazing!" So please do the same below if you've encountered any of the following. Or if we published a preview of it three weeks ago and I forgot. I've obviously not played any of them, and any comments below are purely based on mocking their press releases/websites because my self-esteem is so low that I feel I have to lash out at others. So...
Sounds like: 1920s-set point and click adventure about a murder in a posh mansion.
Is in fact: "a massively dynamic and addicting MMORPG that takes players through a journey of thousands of quest to save Princess Scarlet while utilizing the most effortless in-game mechanic on the market today!" It's going into closed beta this August, and will apparently feature a combat system that means you no longer have "to spend hours deciphering complex control combinations."
What makes it unique: They it the "Auto-Pilot fighting system", which I don't understand at all. It "allows players to have complete MMORPG-style control with a non-targeting combat system, giving the freedom of true control-driven and action-oriented game play." Huh?
Sounds like: A simulator of a vast expanse of sea, without maps.
Is in fact: "an historic nautical series developed by Tecmo Koei." Obviously based on the Japanese series that dates back to 1991, "players will live, work and play the past, rewriting the 15th century to make their own history." It's been going since October 2010, and has just moved across onto the oddly named gPotato portal.
What makes it unique: It's "a MMROPG set within several timelines during the Age of Exploration as a romantic and historic fictional account of the era."
Sounds like: The affordable small Ford car finally getting recognised with with racing game it's always deserved.
Is in fact: An F2P game with over two million players that's never crossed my eyes before. Obviously manga-styled, because every game is, and boasts houses and weddings amongst its quests and guilds. They've just added a new character class called The Joker. It's not The Joker.
What makes it unique: "The sophisticated community features allow you to find the right companion for all your journeys through Isya and cover all your needs when it comes to exploring the magical world with friends."
Sounds like: Grimy third-person shooter in which you must battle demons from the underworld, as well as demons within.
Is in fact: A mythical Chinese MMO, filling that niche. It's just entering its closed beta, ready for a North American (and presumably rest-of-world) release, letting people experience the five Chinese dynasties, via six classes and lots of battles. It also features flutes.
What makes it unique: I can't even find a quote pretending it features anything distinct.
Sounds like: Well, guessing that ROSE must stand for something, how about Recon Obsessed Soldier Experience? Or maybe a gardening sim?
Is in fact: A manga-themed cutesy MMO, which greets you on its front page with the alarming news that the "ITEM MALL HAS CHANGED!" I HATE it when shops move their stock around! I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FLOUR IS! Mentioning that it's "addictive", which while a strange post to open up a press release (although a lot better than "addicting"), it's apparently been going for years. The release also explains, "ROSE Online engages it’s [sic] users in story driven quests, battling monsters, worlds to explore and the ability to socialize with friends while engaged in special events and activities."
What makes it unique: It's the only one called ROSE Online?
Sounds like: SPIES!
Is in fact: Well, this one gets tricky, since the press release is in French, but says it's from Germany. It seems it's the French version of the German FPS MMO, in which men shoot at other men.
What makes it unique: Chrome's translation offers, "To learn about ultra-realistic gameplay, IAAF launches a major campaign to recruit players that will run from June 21 to July 10, 2011 (midnight, Paris time). Operation7 Join the ranks of France! With an arsenal build customized, its hundreds of basic weapons, places of battle hardened realism, Operation7 is already recognized as one of the references of the genre."
Sounds like: Non-words.
Is in fact: Manga, fighting, marriages, and then: "Shakespeare said "All the worlds a stage..." but in GodsWar Online, ancient Greek Gods and Heroes share the stage, and the results are anything but graceful and elegant." Brain meltingfb.
What makes it unique: "The 45-degree visual angle and the cute background will help players used to 2D MMOPRGs feel more comfortable."
Sounds like: Well, a free-to-play MMO.
Is in fact: Reasonably guessably, a Chinese MMO. In particular, one focused on PvP and not even bothering to translate the title to something coherent. I'd love to tell you more but their website doesn't load in Chrome. Well, that's not fair. It does load. It just never stops loading.
What makes it unique: This one combines ancient Chinese mythology with Western fantasy! Oh, how I long for a game that combines ancient Western mythology with modern-day Chinese culture. Oh, and it features a "striking combat system".
Sounds like: Someone cut and pasted a medical description incorrectly.
Is in fact: A game so confident in itself that its press release doesn't feel the need to say. Instead they boast of their open beta starting now. Manga-themed, and seemingly quite distinctly focused on lurrrrrve, it also offers "Real Horoscope Fortunes", which is quite the claim. Apparently your star sign will decide the type of armour and skills you receive.
What makes it unique: Oh, where to begin. A frankly unsettling determination that this game will see you copping off with other players. It's "the most SOCIAL and UNIQUE MMORPG to meet friends, have in-game soul mates, dance, and experience the Zodiac Power of Lucent Heart" [sic to everything there]. The "Cupid Matchmaking" section of the website tells me that I can "get up to 3 Soul Mates", which does seem to be something of a contradiction. But then we can "party together for cool benefits!", "get special items and accessories!", and finally, "Marry your Soul Mate and have a wedding!" Marry them AND have a wedding?! They said it couldn't be done. Also, is that marry all three? Is it a bigamy sim?
But more makes it unique. It contains "Caramelldansen". Yes, you read me right. As the site notes, "THIS DANCE IS IN A GAME?! You got that right!" Apparently it's a popular dance sensation! I had no idea.
And under PvP it says, most disturbingly of all,
Even have a "SPECIAL" after-wedding party!
I absolutely do not want to know.