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The RPG Scrollbars: Azeroth's Ragequit Referendum

Nonsense from a parallel dimension

Dateline: Year 634 by the King's Calendar. Azeroth's political woes go from bad to worse as the continent of Kalimdor continues its push for official separation from the Eastern Kingdoms. "Our citizens grow weary of being mixed in with some grand political empire that increasingly does nothing for them," complains Troll leader Hyjal Farage. "With this vote, we will prove our independence once and for all. Mon."

This referendum vote, dubbed 'Ragequit', marks a turning point in a general sense of dissatisfaction for those in Kalimdor since it was one great supercontinent that split to create the many lands of strife that we know as modern Azeroth. Or rather, in a confusing nature, part of it, since the same word is used for a world, a kingdom, and in some dark corners, a word to say after you stub your toe. This more than anything else is the objection; an entire continent being automatically considered part of anything that happens at the other side of the world, with increasingly little sense that it still cares about any part of it save for the small sliver of Orc controlled land.

"The historical glories of Kalimdor have been completely overlooked simply because they ceased to be relevant sometime after the Second War. If it's not happening in Orgrimmmar, it's like nobody cares." Hyjal paused, glancing over at fellow Vote Let's Not Stay support Iain Dragonkin Smith. "Am I right? I mean, we've got a spaceship over here! When was the last time that ever came up? You'd think it'd come up when we all went back to our Draenei brothers and sisters' homeland the other year, but no. Orcs! All anybody cared about was the bloody orcs! Orcs up the arsehole! Orcs for days!"

Talk of the potential split has split opinions in the Eastern Kingdoms. "I don't know what they're complaining about," announced Vote Keep Everything The Same leader David Khaz-Modan. "So we don't go to the Exodar very often. Have you seen Gilneas lately? An entire city of Victorian werewolves in top-hats! That's the definition of awesome, and we just forgot all about it. The fact is that our world, this World of Warcraft, by whatever name you choose to call it... which is Azeroth, obviously... simply has too much in its future to warrant spending more time going back. And I'm sorry, but Kalimdor is literally the past. It's got a whole Lost World in the middle of it! Ancient Ruins everywhere! Caverns full of historical encounters that anyone can just walk into and meddle with! If more of note seems to happen in the Eastern Kingdoms, that's because we're the ones living in the actual present of this game. World."

"Ha! As if this is merely an accident," retorted Farage. "You know, only last week I met a young Night Elf who came up to me in the street and said, Mr. Hyjal, why is Ashenvale still burning? The Cataclysm was years ago now? Why don't the rest of the Alliance care about us?" And after I clipped him round the year for speaking to his betters in public, I thought, yes! That is a valid point! Our membership in the Alliance and the Azeroth collective costs us over 350,000,000 gold a day, yet Auberdine and Darkshore still burn! And what can you expect when all the forces of the Cataclysm are being held back by one man, Malfurion Stormrage! What if we could spend the money on properly backing up our Neutral Heroic Supporter with the additional druids he needs?"

Much of the campaign of course rests on more-widespread economic matters, such as imports/exports. "Why, yes, we'll have you know that our lands export almost 100 per cent - almost one hundred per cent of nubile Night Elf dancers," objected Let's Not Stay leader Tanaris Johnson. "And what do we get back in return from our-so called brothers in arms? A steady flow of dangerous, not-even-natives to our world from their Dark Portal. Well, if you ask me, it's time we sent all of them back where they came from. Well, asked politely. Especially the ones with the really big axes. I hear Draenor's lovely at this point in its altered timeline. We're just saying. Delightful."

Increasingly though, it is Stormwind that faces the bulk of the Ragequit campaign. "Sacrifices had to be made in times of war, but come on. We still have no portal to Darnassus from Stormwind for easy access, keeping our most prominent Alliance capital isolated. And yet we face every bit as many challenges as the rest of you, not all of them so well spaced out for levelling purposes. Well! I put it to you and the people that if Kalimdor declares independence, we will finally put this and more right. Our first priority will be to restore our newbie areas as places of culture and beauty, where the approved races can live in peace and free from all but the horrors of the Felwood. That place is huge and extremely spooky and we're probably stuck with that."

"Enough of this naive blathering," fired back Chancellor Tirisfal May. "The simple fact is that some matters affect the whole world, regardless of political or local affiliation, and the presence of a giant stone doorway that regularly belches out invading armies fuelled by demon magic is one of those things that any government simply has to live with. Does the opposition think it coincidence that despite being split into Horde and Alliance factions, we spend most of our time fighting against threats to our entire world? This is a new era of politics, where we can all agree that joining forces to take out a mutual threat like Garrosh Hellscream is the sane and responsible thing to do, and even the Horde can accept that putting a guy named 'Garrosh Hellscream' in charge of their armies was the dumbest thing they've been associated with since Mankrik's Wife. Breaking off relations with the Kingdoms will only leave Kalimdor even more vulnerable to threats, including the machinations of the Forsaken-"

"Your continent. And Varian's choice of new allies."

"-the new threat facing the Broken Isles-"

"Your side of the Maelstrom-"

And so on. What both sides can agree on is that with the exception of Orgrimmar, seat of the Horde's power, Kalimdor has been underutilised since the bombing of Theramore. Being the home of the more open-minded members of both Horde and Alliance, including the Darkspear Trolls and Taurens, has also led to the realisation that what is being described as "The Eastern Kingdoms' unsightly hard-on for war" is unlikely to lead to good things in the future. The relatively placid nature of most of these peoples has made it difficult to raise the necessary levels of angst to get a good old-fashioned patriotic rage going. However, with recent developments allowing time to think, it is thought that even the normally laid-back Tauren are starting to have a cow.

"Politically, this makes perfect sense. The world is more or less at peace now. Right?" asks Jeremy Vol'jin of the Horde. "Our whole structure of Horde and Alliance was set up solely in response to our world's somewhat unusual extra-dimensional nature. However, now that is more or less stable, in that every two years we shake our fists at each other and pretend that there's still a war going on and that the likes of Varian Wrynn and Sylvanas Windrunner aren't on first-name terms whenever shit goes down, it's time to start looking at the political landscape in a post all-that-shit era."

One in which orcs and such are simply accepted parts of the world, rather than the new intruders? "Precisely. Due to the chaotic nature of the wars so far, Horde and Alliance are scattered around the world with little rhyme nor reason. However, I ask you, how many wars are traditionally fought between non-geographically distinct groups like this? I answer: very few. Even ideology is pushing this one. But, with the Eastern Kingdoms increasingly focusing on themselves, it seems likely that at some point our mostly unburned-by-Fel-fire resources will be tapped. Stormwind cannot keep building itself fancy gardens and harbours with merely the resources of Elwynn and Westfall, especially while maintaining a war economy. With the destruction of Theramore, our whole continent is now essentially "Oh, yeah, that place with all the stuff.""

"If we had one true defensive measure on this continent, it was the presence of Orgrimmar, but since everyone and their pets kicked the shit out of it at the end of Hellscream's reign, I think we can say that's probably not much of a deterrent any more. Seriously. How long before warships from Stormwind and Ironforge decide that we're not paying our way in their pet Alliance? We all know there's got to be some filler between apocalypses, and we don't want to end up like Pandaria!"

Additional tensions have been raised by the unanimous decision to hand the title of Lich King and all the rather vaguely understood powers that go with it over to Bolvar Fordragon. "I'm not saying we don't trust Bolvar Fordragon. Bolvar's a good chap. I'm just saying, that's a shit-load of zombies right on our doorstep, a new Lich King firmly allied with Stormwind, and it's not like the Alliance has been devoting funds to building fancy underwater railways to Darnassus any time soon. What guarantee do we have that one day, they won't be turned on us? And no, for god's sake, don't bring books of Ner'zhul lore into this. Nobody's got time to read that shit, even if it wasn't somehow covered in more Tipp-Ex and retcons than even Night Elf history."

While the Vote Let's Not Stay side has not outright looked into the possibility of everyone simply giving up their former allegiance to sign up with the Horde, mostly on the grounds that the spittingly-racist portion of the vote is just too easily manipulated to give up so eagerly, King Varian Wrynn has warned that should Kalimdor make this step, there will be no re-admittance in the wider People Who Can Say They Live In Azeroth community. "On it, of course, since it's also the name of our planet and we're not changing that. But in it? No! If we let even that one grammatical point go, it will be the beginning of the end beyond anything our world has faced so far."

In unrelated news, the Burning Legion just attacked and we're all doomed.

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Richard Cobbett