NSFW: Boneland Demo: Hotttttttttt Coffee?

By Kieron Gillen on October 11th, 2008 at 5:45 pm.

Suck my enormous circle with a sales encouragement on, bitch.

Always being ones to big-up progressive indie games we… actually, waitasec. Bonetown is probably the biggest budget true-porn game I’ve ever seen – hell, it’s even got Ron Jeremy in it. You can buy it from their site, and there’s a 500Mb demo. What is it? It’s basically GTA with all the automobiles swapped for autoeroticism. Clearly, I plan to get a review copy and get Leigh to play it. But until then, I’ve played it, taken screenshots and generally thrown it all beneath the cut with its Youtube videos.

The demo, as shown by the above screenshot, is censored. Which doesn’t stop it being the shortest game-start-to-full-frontal-nudity since The Longest Journey. Just a little less classy than a blue naked dude…

Never let anyone piss on you, unless it's for a lot of money.

Yes, Bonetown starts with you waking up to find a drunk gentleman pissing on you. It’s like someone’s taken a page from my diary and put it on the screen.

Anyway, he’s the one who’s offended by this – as he thought you were a squid, and by being a human, you’ve removed the pleasure of having pissed on a squid from his life – so you have to fight. Mouse buttons allow you to pummel and block, and eventually you take him down. And then a buxom lady comes over and apologises for him, and offers to explain how the town works. In short, there’s a stat called Balls. The bigger balls you have, the more likely someone will sleep with you. The best way to improve your balls is by making as many women come as possible. Just don’t come before they do – that’s bad. No, really.

And then she sucks you off, just to be polite.
Getting your dick sucked does not actually let you regain health. Otherwise, hospitals would be a very different place.
Yes, as the title suggests, this is actually how you recover your health bar. Anyway, I barely had a chance to take that in, before she fucks me. And let’s have a full size screenshot so we can see exactly how that’s done…
This reminds me of Spore for some reason.
You increase your speed and power to match a woman’s desires. After a while, a threshold will be crossed and you have to rematch your abilities. Do so, and her arousal goes up. As you do it, your stamina goes down. You have to max out her arousal before you shoot your load – which, being a porn game, you do so all over in a facial-esque manner. Or maybe on their tits. It’s out of your control, anyway – there’s no Deus Ex choose-your-own-route options. The Immersive Sim is dead.

Anyway, sex over, the blonde is dragged away by the servants of The Man who are trying to bring public decency to the pubic land of Bonetown. If they see you committing a sex act in public, they’ll chase and beat you up. It’s also the last girl under two-hundred pounds you’re going to have sex with for a while, as it’s only the larger lady you’d be able to get with. Or prostitutes, if you have the green.

And that’s the game, basically. You run around the city beating up men, beating off over women and beating the law by running away. There’s missions proper, such as the delightful sequence where I go and get a crackwhore her crack. I mean, this is the sort of logical puzzle-solving that games so often fail at. Crackwhore requires crack. Like, doh. There’s also those random subgames, such as the Hog Race where you have a minute to have as sex with as many people as you can, with the total weight determining your success. There’s also a Hitman-esque disguise system, where you can take the clothes off anyone you’ve beaten up, which gives you a bonus to your Balls – and so, allowing you to have sex with someone you may not be able to. Also, by drinking booze you can get a temporary bonus, making it more likely someone will fuck you through the dutch courage you’re displaying. Crack makes you run quicker, while dope gets you high – as in, lets you jump higher. Yes.

Two things which took me a while to discover. Firstly, when you lose a fight, they take all your clothes too, leaving you to run around starkers. No-one cares. And here I am doing so…
At least they didn't take your hat
Note the scrotum dangling away, as is Scrotum’s wont.

Secondly, the moment of magical horror when I realise that you actually have camera control during the sex scenes, which is ideal for screenshots. Like these…
Thelma's new career was a shock to the rest of the Scooby Doo's gang.
Try as much as I did, I wasn't able to make a girl come twice before I shot my load. Man!
I was drunk.

Gosh.

Okay, my jovial tone is probably making it appear that I’m condoning this. And, I suppose, I am a bit. Yeah, it’s sexist – but no more than the majority of mainstream porn. Yeah, it’s got a sense of humour which at best is in really poor taste and at worst crosses over into plain racist… but, yet again, only about as much as most porn itself. Hell, that you’re able to choose your race at the start of the game mitigates a little against that. By which I’m saying, it’s morally reprehensible, but I don’t really care about that. Many others will, which I also understand.

To be honest, the porn part is kind of secondary to the WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS GAME DOING?!?!?!?! factor, which it has by the semen-filled-bucketload. The primary thing which kept me playing the demo was to see whatever it was going to show me next. It’s not going to do that, is it? Oh – actually, yes, it is. It’s the sort of game which is going to be mentioned forever in forum threads. It makes Postal 2 look like Planescape Torment.

Perhaps the oddest thing about it is how much effort’s been put into it. It is, in its own way, a real game – if you judged it on its mechanics, I suspect it’ll get a low score… but not a catastrophically low sub-10% one, unless it trips the reviewers moral buttons. Take the opening I described earlier – it actually did a better job of introducing what the game’s about than the majority of games, I suspect, which is rather depressing. Its voice acting borders even on the good – the sex stuff, I suspect, is actually taken from people fucking, and sounds more convincing than most faked sex talk. I mean, it’s not good. It’s not even average. But through playing the demo, it’s hardly dull. I doubt you’ll wish you had the time you took to play it back, because – really – it’s not like anything you’ll have ever played before. Or again, probably.

I do wish the sex mechanisms were more complicated though. And in the game, etc.

Anyway, here’s the short video which gives the set up and shows some fucking:

And here’s some character stuff, which will make you wince…

And after that, if only to stare and blink, the demo’s here.

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60 Comments »

  1. Bhazor says:

    Israel?
    They’re really really determined to be offensive aren’t they?

    Also did Ron Jeremy just threaten to bum me?

  2. vash47 says:

    Awesome.

  3. DigitalSignalX says:

    Mmmk. Someone start the thread “PC Games RPS should NOT focus on.”

    Leisure Suit Larry was funny and a decent diversion in it’s day. I was 15 then though when it came out. Perhaps it’s time for the next generation to get theirs.

  4. ZenArcade says:

    Haha jesus christ.

    Honestly though, how good can the game be? It doesn’t seem all that. And you’re right, it does make postal 2 seem incredibly sophisticated

  5. Little Green Man says:

    Double. You. Tee. Eff.

  6. Gpig says:

    Awesome.

  7. Vivian says:

    Am I wrong for thinking this looks pretty entertaining?

  8. Henley says:

    Hahahah that’s just funny, nothing more too it!

  9. sinister agent says:

    I’m typically the first person to foam at the mouth about the embarassingly neanderthal attitudes of most pornographers, but this seems pretty amusing to me. I doubt it’d stand up well as a game beyond being silly and obscene, but sometimes that works.

  10. Gap Gen says:

    “while dope gets you high – as in, lets you jump higher. Yes.”

    :glee:

  11. Radiant says:

    This game is impossible to play one handed.
    I’ll take a japanese dating sim over this any day; all though in those there is a risk that the girl you just seduced may have been your sister/brother.

  12. Radiant says:

    And I don’t mean sister or brother.

  13. Radiant says:

    Which brings me to my second point.
    No not Mum/Dads…
    But Japanese dating sims vs American ‘dating’ sims.
    Discuss.

  14. Wildbluesun says:

    “Cumming Summer 2008″…oh dear Lord. That took away my sex drive for all of seven seconds.

    If you could play as a girl, this game would be perfect. ;-)

  15. James G says:

    If you could play as a girl would your sexual fortitude be measured in ovaries?

  16. Max says:

    Surely not. Breasts would be more likely.

  17. sinister agent says:

    If you could play as a girl would your sexual fortitude be measured in ovaries?

    Giga-clits

  18. Konky Dong 32: says:

    I wonder of gaming’s extreme homophobia has carried over to this game.

  19. Larington says:

    “LOL”

    I really can’t think of anything to write other than that.

    LOL

  20. FhnuZoag says:

    Is there co-op?

  21. The Poisoned Sponge says:

    I’m really surprised there’s a market for this. If people want to get their rocks off, there’s porn. If they want to play games, there’s games. Hell, there are even semi-realistic porn games. So why the hell does this even exist?

    (That’s not to say this isn’t a hilarious article; it really is. But seriously, why is this even gracing the airwaves?)

  22. yns88 says:

    Sponge: There’s definitely a market for this…in Japan. However, they thought ahead and actually made their porn games..you know..porn.

    This looks about as entertaining as those Simpsons rule 34 comics.

  23. Fat says:

    ROFL…

    ”Fill up her orgasm meter to make her cum and make your balls grow.”

    How old is the developer, haha.

  24. Calabi says:

    Do your balls actually grow though? I mean, do you have to end the game dragging around unfeasibly large testicles?

  25. Greyface says:

    ….I almost want to come home and find my boyfriend alt-tabbing away frantically away from this game.

  26. Larington says:

    @ Calabi

    You know, that would actually make playing the game worth it – Far more so than the end-of-game movies that don’t last even 60 seconds (Particularly in early PC & Console games).

    Heck, your character could even be using them as a sort of, err, biological space hopper thingy (Or whatever those bouncy air bag things are called) for real comedy value.

  27. Rogue says:

    “The game the Man didn’t want to you to play!”

  28. Grey_Ghost says:

    @ Calabi & Larington
    Thank for that bit of mental imagery.

    Also, Ron Jeremy creeps me out…

  29. jambamgamba says:

    I quote from their site:

    “When the Jews arrived in BoneTown, they brought with them an extraordinary power. With this Jew Magic, they concocted a potion that gives the drinker the power to steal the identity of anyone who’s been defeated in a fight.”

    Wait… what?

  30. Man Raised by Puffins says:

    @ Larington: It could almost turn into a Katamari-esque game as you bounce around collecting stuff with your enormous semen encrusted scrotum.

  31. grey_painter says:

    I probably shouldn’t but I am intrigued by this game now. Seems like a reasonable level of effort was put in, be funny to laugh at anyway.

  32. dhex says:

    is that supposed to be a jewish redneck?

  33. Malagate says:

    @ Man Raised by Puffins, Larington, et al who reference large scotums, have none of you ever heard of Buster Gonad?

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Buster_Gonad

    Who, with his gigantic balls, was playable in the Viz game cira 1991, and was almost pure madness.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viz_(game)

  34. basilosaurus says:

    –buys copy for 12 year old cousin and tells him that it’s exactly what being a grown-up is like–

  35. James G says:

    @jambamgamba
    I can’t figure out where that lies on the axis between anti-Semitic and batshit-insane. The ‘minority has magic powers’ trope isn’t exactly a rare form of subtle racism, but it is one which I’ve never seen applied to Jews before, (Although I’m pretty sure it has been at some point.) plus why it the potion so damn specific.

  36. Klaus says:

    I sometimes partake in mindless bigotry, against everybody, and I can’t for the life of me say I’ve ever heard of Jews stealing identities.

    I’d say they just picked Jews because it sounds offensive, more offensive than gypsies which would have made some kind of sense, and would have been less offensive and therefore less funny.

  37. Digit says:

    This is so not what I want to see on a site about games. I don’t care if it IS a game, there are numerous tasteless and offensive games out there that are ignored all the time, please keep ignoring them. :/

  38. Nick says:

    “he ‘minority has magic powers’ trope isn’t exactly a rare form of subtle racism, but it is one which I’ve never seen applied to Jews before”

    Never heard of “the shini curse”?

  39. malkav11 says:

    I’m not so sure that Ron Jeremy’s involvement indicates any sort of budget.

  40. Cycle says:

    This is so what I want to see on a site about games. Too many tasteless and offensive games out there are ignored, please continue supporting them. :)

  41. The Klugman Revolution says:

    Is Boneville found in Boneland?

  42. Little Green Man says:

    I’m getting on a plane to Bonetown right now if that’s what it is like!

  43. Cycle says:

    Little Green Man wants to wake up covered in urine.

  44. Martin says:

    This is A-OK in my book (both the game and the review I suppose).

  45. Digit says:

    Yes excellent, maybe we can get some shout outs to the games that let you hunt some minority groups through alleys with axes too, that would be a nice change, and certainly one drastically needed by the games industry what with our sterling reputation already.

  46. Nny says:

    I found the demo quite entertaining.

  47. sinister agent says:

    So why is a game about gratuitous, silly cartoon sex offensive, but a million games about gratuiotous, silly cartoon violence are okay?

    Some nice kneejerkiing going on, methinks.

  48. Grandstone says:

    My guess is that it’s because, aside from the porn part, the game does its best to be as ludicrously offensive to as many different groups as possible. Admittedly, it’s trying to be funny at the same time, but does that make things better or worse?

  49. Servitor says:

    So, if you’re totally ace at this game, do your balls get so big that you end up having to lug them around in a wheelbarrow? Because THAT would be worth downloading the demo to see.

  50. Cyberpope says:

    I have lastfm.com on. I had my metal station playing as I was reading this. a song called Come Cover Me has just come on. How…appropriate