You Will Die, Warn Diablo 3 Creators

By Richard Cobbett on February 13th, 2012 at 5:25 pm.

In a somewhat fatalistic move, Blizzard has announced that you – you personally – will die. At some point, by accident or dreadful confluence of events, your body will cease to function, collapse, or possibly be run over by a train in a moment best described by taking a tube of toothpaste and squeezing it with the cap still on. Your friends and family will, hopefully, mourn you, as the carcass that was your vehicle through this cynical world is lowered into the ground, burned to ashes, or eaten by Welsh cannibals. Truly, we should take a moment to-

Oh, wait, they’re talking about Diablo 3′s difficulty modes.

In apparent response to complaints that the Diablo beta was easier than copping a feel at an open casket funeral, its… uh… art team, for some reason… want you to know just how tough it’s going to be. On Normal mode? Not so tough. After that, you’ll get to learn the true meaning of ‘Hell’ – and then play a really difficult game that has nothing to do with this knowledge.

There is of course the possibility that they’re simply rubbish at their own game. We shouldn’t rule it out. If Blizzard really wants to revel in the joy of death though, we can all agree that Diablo 3 needs one minor tweak – that bland, ‘by the way, you suck and you’re dead’ excuse for a death animation ripped out and replaced with something awesome. Something… like this:

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92 Comments »

  1. Teddy Leach says:

    *Slow clap*

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  2. Premium User Badge Mungrul says:

    The main picture… is that official Diablo artwork or at least a fan picture?
    It has a glorious Eighties D&D Red Box look to it, which makes me think it’s from something else entirely, but the monster looks too much like Diablo for it to be anything but.
    Edit: Hmmm, must be something referencing Diablo 2, as all the character types seem to be present; Paladin, Sorceress, Amazon, Necromancer and Barbarian.

  3. Premium User Badge bcrowe says:

    My favourite death message of recent times is from Dungeons of Dredmor: “Congratulations! You have died.”

  4. Teronfel says:

    I’ll probably die before playing Diablo III.

  5. Kdansky says:

    That’s good to hear, but after Dark Souls, every other game is just a walk in the park. I wonder if they manage hard difficulty without killing game play in the process: Huge HP on monsters are rarely fun, just boring.

    • Henke says:

      My first though when I saw this was that they’re ripping of Dark Souls tagline “Prepare To Die”. (not that that’s a particularly original tagline either)

      btw, I’ve almost beaten Dark Souls now, got one dark lord left! whoop whoop! :D

    • nrvsNRG says:

      ive beaten dark souls so many times that its a walk in the park now….still the best game ive played in years tho.

    • mckertis says:

      Dont know what you’re talking about, never played it, never will, unless they will port it on PC.

    • ado says:

      Prepare to Die is a great and very fitting tagline for Dark Souls. Not just because you will die in the game, but because the game is oriented around death in concept, story and even gameplay.

    • malphigian says:

      Yes! Between this and Bioshock’s super-hard mode it’s great to see developers willing to make games challenging again. I was worried the casual game neverending shower of rewards had infected the entire industry.

      I think Dark/Demon Souls is directly responsible for this too. I know this is the PC gaming site and all, but Dark Souls is reason enough to buy a console, best video game in years.

    • paterah says:

      I agree with all the Dark Souls being challenging mumbo-jumbo and see it didn’t take long for the killjoy to arrive.

    • Prime says:

      The killjoy? Try not to be too hard on him. It’s difficult not to get all hipster-ish about something you cannot take part in that people just won’t shut up about.

    • Sparkasaurusmex says:

      I almost wish there was a WIT for Dark Souls. I don’t know which console site to read, but I’d like to see a good critical review of that game. I do own a 360, so maybe I’d dust it off for a good dungeon crawler.

  6. Doesn'tmeananything says:

    I really hope there would be an option to skip the first difficulty setting and go right to the next, challenging one, like it was done in Sacred. Otherwise having the obligatory prerequisite to complete the game at least once just to get to the interesting part would be yet another incredibly stupid decision made by Blizzard.

    • PitfireX says:

      I can’t stand when game devs do that….. to make me play the game on a level that’s unappealing to me is just horrid.

    • SiHy_ says:

      I understand what you’re saying but if you started on nightmare difficulty you wouldn’t have levelled up enough to survive. Every grunt would feel like a boss.

    • Nevard says:

      Some people like every grunt to feel like a boss

    • yougotnick says:

      I’m really hoping this will be the case, but I’m pessimistic. I’ts probably going to be just like D2 where you have to beat Normal to unlock Nightmare.

      I played the Beta this weekend over at my friend’s place and “it’s too easy” is basically all my complaints boiled into one. They streamlined the game so much that it’s almost not fun anymore. Playing through the entire Beta, the only decisions I had to make was what skills to use (easy, there were only two good ones) and what gear to wear, There’s no increasing stats, and no strengthening skills as this is all done automatically by the game. Not once did I need a health potion. Not once did I feel like I was in danger of dying. I killed most monsters will one hit of my basic attack. There were no challenges and no repercussions.

      Overall, it was Diablo but it felt empty. I want to love the game so much, but I finished the Beta thinking that D3 is on par with Torchlight 1.

  7. Spider Jerusalem says:

    it would be nice if, you know, we didn’t have to take their word for it and we could switch difficulty levels in the beta.

    it would also be great if we didn’t have to play through the entire game on normal before unlocking other difficulties. i’m not sure if that information has been released or not, but the game is a complete bore on normal (at least through the beta section).

  8. diamondmx says:

    Well, unless you buy the shiny items from the MT store. Then you’ll be just fine, because you paid to be just fine, and that’s what you’ll get.

  9. fiddlesticks says:

    Spoilers: Everybody dies. Eventually.

  10. MythArcana says:

    You mean we’ll die WAITING for the release. Well, I’ve moved on anyway. Conquest of Elysium 3 is due on the 20th on Desura (Illwinter – creators of Dominions 3) and I’m way more excited about that. It’s 15% off the pre-order if you act now! :)

  11. PitfireX says:

    That 1st paragraph is exactly why I love this website more than my girlfriend and will be here for valentines day.

    • Richard Cobbett says:

      Valentine’s Day is cancelled. There is only Aching Solitude Awareness Day. The buffet consists of as many fish gathered from the sea as possible.

      On a spike.

    • Premium User Badge Chaz says:

      I pass Aching Solitude Awareness Day with a retrospective of Leonard Cohen songs and a half full glass of bitter.

    • Wang Tang says:

      Leaving the other half for me. Why, thank you, too kind.

    • fallingmagpie says:

      A half-empty glass, surely?

  12. kikito says:

    In Hell mode, you need a constant connection to the server.

    • Telzis says:

      I guess it’s the other way around and that their “difficulty” settings are what is usually called “connection quality”. Wireless LAN through thick walls? At Blizzard they call it “Nighmare Mode”.

    • LintMan says:

      “In Hell mode, you need a constant connection to the server. ”

      Don’t you need a constant connection to the server in ALL the modes, even for SP? Isn’t Diablo 3 online-only?

    • Eddy9000 says:

      No Lintman, you only need a connection for hell mode, because constantly battling against unreliable wifi connections is a design decision made by the developer to add a further layer of difficulty and tension to the game.

      Either that or it was a joke.

    • LintMan says:

      @Eddy9000

      Yes, I figured that, except it seemed to have undershot its mark by implying that hell mode would require an online connection when the game already requires a connection. So I played it straight. Maybe an “Oh, wait.” tacked on the end would have worked better for me.

    • Screamer says:

      @Kikito
      Which is exactly why I won’t die…

    • Eddy9000 says:

      …oh wait!

  13. Premium User Badge Smashbox says:

    In Soviet Russia, Hell Mode beats you!

  14. trjp says:

    Quite possibly before it’s finished…

    Let’s be clear here – they first ‘revealed’ D3 in June 2008 – that’s over 3 and a half years ago.

    If we say the average age of a likely D3 customer was 25 at that point – according to US Social Security Actuarial data they’d have had about a .00015 chance of dying within a year – rising slightly in the 2nd, 3rd and 4th years.

    D2 sold around 2.8m copies (according to VGChartz) so just over 400 ‘likely customers’ would have croaked in the first year – well over a 1000 in total.

    That’s a lot of lost sales so they’re right!!

    • NathanH says:

      They should send threatening letters for 800 euro compensation for daring to die and costing them a sale.

  15. aircool says:

    Lemme guess… permadeath mode where you lose all the items you bought with real money.

    • Cruyelo says:

      Wrong guess, buying with real money is not available in the permadeath mode. Players still have the option to trade with each others, but only with in-game gold and their items are completely separated from every other player. (So no trading possible with anyone outside of permadeath mode)

  16. Premium User Badge Bluerps says:

    Wait, I’m confused. There are Welsh in Diablo 3?

  17. Chandos says:

    Auto commercial equivalent of this trailer:
    With our new 2012 model, you can shift gears! We also included a gas pedal that you can press your foot on to go faster.
    “For me, driving really starts when you’re going faster than 20km/hour. We made sure you can do that.”
    “Sometimes you will go downhill and that’s when it gets really interesting.”
    “Man, you will be spending so much gold on gas. The faster you go, the more you’ll burn.”
    “Eventually you’ll get to a point that you will have to roll up your window because the wind will start making that annoying noise.”

    Diablo 2012. We put the obvious in auto… and made a commercial about it.

    • Raiyan 1.0 says:

      Wow, that was… really well put. Nice.

    • daraujo says:

      Best comment ever.

    • MrMud says:

      If in your test drive you were sat on a carriage drawn by a lame mule (beta) then perhaps you would be pleasantly surprised to hear that when you buy the car (the game) it actually has throttle.

  18. Premium User Badge Anthile says:

    Well, on hell difficulty in Diablo 2 you ended up with enemies you couldn’t kill because they had a whole pile of immunities.

    • ZyloMarkIII says:

      I’m wondering if anyone else encountered the Physical Immune & Magic Immune specials. They were a chore to take down.

    • Premium User Badge Jackablade says:

      How does one take down a creature that is both immune to physical and magical attacks? Emotional damage?

    • MrMud says:

      D2 had several different damage types.
      Physical, Magical, Fire, Lightning, Frost and Poison.
      You could get combinations that were “Immune” to most of these but even then I think “Immune” meant 95% resistances.

  19. The white guar says:

    They could have worked out a more suitable name for the hardest difficulty; after all, inferno means hell.
    It’s like saying that “hard” is more difficult than, well, “difficult” :P

    • PacketOfCrisps says:

      I would have preferred Heaven, Earth, Nightmare, and Hell as the four difficult settings. Inferno sounds pretty lame…in my opinion.

    • marcusfell says:

      If I ever made a game, I’d label the normal difficulty “Pathetic”

    • The white guar says:

      Normal difficulty is “pathetic” indeed in most recent games, then again I think in some games difficulty shoud be used as a means to make the experience more enjoyable (e.g. if you feel you can walk a straight line unleashing death is boring, turn it up; if you die so many times it spoils the game, turn it down).
      Difficulty settings are also often badly managed: just making an ogre take sixhundredseventythree arrows to get killed instead of ten makes your game more boring rather than harder, neither makes the game worth being played a second time.

    • NathanH says:

      The lack of proper Normal difficulty in games these days is getting noticeable. Usually the next step above Normal is rather harder than a proper Normal difficulty. For instance, in Dragon Age 2 or Starcraft 2 it’s really rare to ever lose on Normal, but Hard is only a bit easier than a proper Hard would be. Particularly in Starcraft 2, I can’t really relax on Hard, and I like to relax when playing games. But Normal just plays itself.

  20. Freud says:

    Can’t say I like that they say you have to work with others on the harder difficulties. The big advantage of D2 was that you could play solo and enjoy it. Having to build up friend lists of non-retards to play a hack’n'slash is annoying to me. In a MMO I get it.

  21. Hoaxfish says:

    I’m not really sure what this is trying to put across…

    Okay, so the game was easy before… and now you die a lot. Does that means it’s a “fun” challenge or frustratingly easy for every monster to stomp you irrelevant of your actual skill?

    Because you can die a lot and still not have fun in plenty of games.

  22. Xaromir says:

    Wow! I get to do the same stuff 3 times again… well 4 times now. And what was that about gold mentioned there? Oh i forgot, items and gold are now legit to buy/sell with/for real currency. I really wonder how long they can do that, not complaining so much about the money thing, but blizzard haven’t been very innovative the last years, there basically was nothing new since WoW. *sigh* Please do something new again (that isn’t based on repetition and grind).

    • LintMan says:

      This. A thousand times this.

      After the online-only/no-mods/cash store announcement, I refuse to buy it, but I felt crappy because I still wanted to play it despite my stand. Now, this video has killed almost all my desire to play it, so I suppose I should be grateful.

    • MrMud says:

      Im not sure what you would have expected?
      Diablo has always been about the repeated playthroughs on increasing levels of difficulty.
      This video is a reaction to the (valid) complaints that the beta is incredibly easy.

    • Xaromir says:

      Nice for them, but i didn’t complain about that, but of a lack of innovation and to much repetition.

  23. mouton says:

    Diablo would be so much better if there was an option to start the game from Nightmare (with an apprioprately levelled char) instead of having to grind through the Normal casual mode. I am tired of hearing “the real game begins on nightmare/hell” crap.

  24. webwielder says:

    My God. A Total Distortion embed. You have dredged up memories I didn’t even know I had. I couldn’t get past the first enemy. Loved walking around my apartment and making sandwiches, though.

    • webwielder says:

      And might I add: this setting is for cowards, you little baby chicken wimp!

  25. InternetBatman says:

    Okay, the game gets hard. That doesn’t signify quality at all in either way.

  26. Turkey says:

    Fools don’t know about my aspergers.

  27. Koozer says:

    The three men in that video are a tutorial on how to trim and how not to trim a beard.

  28. Shooop says:

    Hah. They’re really talking about the lack of a pause ability in single player.

  29. Stephen Roberts says:

    Not remotely enough to distract me from some glaring flaws in the game. Looking forward to Torchlight 2 though! Oooh, feel the burn, Blizzard.

    Cue OT Ranting:
    And that DRM is bad enough but I really think the naivety of moneytising the game and ripping out the modding options is the worst bit. Mods are 50% of what made WoW good. Mods are arguably what made Valve the company it now is. Mods are what keeps the community and player base alive for so many titles that I seriously pity the decision makers that choose to turn their back on this excellent, vital, critical part of what makes games unique all in the interests of protecting their little shop fronts in their new digital peddle-o-thon platforms.

    Grumpy me.

  30. the_p says:

    ‘A group of us probably spent a good hour wiping on a single boss.’

    Whatever he wants ‘wiping’ to mean, that sounds terrible.

  31. FataMorganaPseudonym says:

    They’ve made this game so difficult (to get over the crappy DRM included) that I’m not even going to play it at all. Good job, I guess?

  32. Anders Wrist says:

    First thing I thought when I watched this was also “They’re probably just bad at their own game”. I have no way of really knowing though.

  33. Baka says:

    Hey, which class was that? Monk? This was the first time Diablo III footage looked interesting to me.

  34. Rudel says:

    In the Beta I’ve played, it was nearly impossible to die. You had to try really hard to get killed. I mean, it’s hard to believe if you haven’t seen it. It’s like playing the game in godmode.

    I stopped playing after ~ 60 minutes (end of beta), because the game was so stupidly boring that I couldn’t force myself to play another character. Went back to Dark Souls. :)

    • Ultramegazord says:

      Yeah, I got bored after a couple of hours too, can’t understand how they took so long to create this game.

  35. Ultramegazord says:

    Wow, we will die on a game?! This is unique! Who was the genious that had this idea?!

    Seriously, creating a trailer to say we will die on a game. Seriously? Blizzard needs to land their feets on earth for a few seconds.

    • Sparkasaurusmex says:

      I think that’s the problem, they’re feet are too stuck to earth.
      They need to get their heads back in the clouds and dream! Innovate!