Aliens: Colonial Marines Trailer Heavy On The “Colon”

By John Walker on January 24th, 2013 at 6:00 pm.

Ahem.

The latest trailer for Aliens: Colonial Marines has the worst – and I mean the worst – voiceover script I have ever heard. So bad, and so badly delivered, I cannot help myself but transcribe it in its entirety, and present it to you in the form of poetry.

Listen up marines
Rhino-Two-Three ran into a shitstorm
aboard the USS Sulaco
Now we gotta pull them out of the fire
We don’t leave marines behind

Now
anybody in their right mind
would hop the next transport home

But you’re not in your right mind
You’re in the corps
So here’s what you’re going to do

First
If it moves
Kill it

If it’s not moving
Kill it again

Second
You’ve each got more fire power
than an army platoon
So use it
All of
it

Third
You don’t die
Unless I give you a direct order

And remember
We’re not just fighting
for the human race

We’re fighting for the title of baddest motherfuckers in the galaxy.
That’s a battle I intend
to win

*click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*

Edit:

Oh, this is brill. The writer of the game, Mikey Neumann, has disowned this trailer, and promised that the dialogue is not from the game!

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161 Comments »

  1. ShootyFace says:

    Corp-ny.

    • x3m157 says:

      Mil-literally awful

    • Mako says:

      Yup, somebody is going to be taking a lot of flak over this.

    • squareking says:

      The actual writer guy seems to be a good trooper, though.

    • Juan Carlo says:

      It’s bad, but in fairness I don’t remember the dialogue in “Aliens” being much better than this. It’s just that in Aliens no one talked for that long. They mostly kept it to short quips, so it wasn’t as grating.

      • Jools says:

        Aliens was also a solidly anti-military movie at its core, so most of the dialogue was intended to be kind of over-the-top and stupid.

      • F3ck says:

        …this is clearly someone’s attempt at some Hicks/Hudson hybrid meant to mimic the [also] intentionally ham-fisted “oorah” marine dialogue from Aliens…

        …sorry no[stromo] pun…

      • Poliphilo says:

        Somehow I think you weren’t paying much attention to the dialogue when you watched Aliens, because not only was it a brilliant continuation of the first film’s exploits, but it’s probably James Cameron’s best screenplay and characterization. It’s so good I’m not even going to quote from it.

        I guess whoever wrote this abysmal trailer watched Alien(s) without any brain function whatsoever, which is pretty much the only way I could think of one could mistake Alien(s) for a product of the Military Entertainment Complex.

        PS. Yeah that whole “FUCK YEAH WOO // LET’S GO SHOOT PEOPLE AND STUFF // WOO FUCK YEAH” thing, unless **satirical** in nature or form, is pretty much the single most off-putting thing in the entire universe and I wish it died with the 20th century. It’s funny how such militaristic hubris could’ve been satirized like that in the wake of the Vietnam war, whereas now it’s actually CELEBRATED. It’s sick is what it is.

      • SuicideKing says:

        Why would you snap the thin thread of pun so tactically woven in the RPS colony?

        We shall have to alienate you now.

  2. Carbonated Dan says:

    warcolon?

  3. dE says:

    Funny, I thought the point of trailers was to hype me up for a game – not to induce a strong urge to awkwardly inch away.

  4. Matt7895 says:

    Looks awful….

    • razgon says:

      Thank you!

      Am I crazy thinking the graphics looks severely outdated, as does the animations?

      • Matt7895 says:

        No you’re not crazy. XCOM: Enemy Unknown had character models very similar to these, but the gameplay more than made up for it. I think a run-of-the-mill FPS which only has the Aliens license going for it should put a little more effort into its presentation. Could well be the console hardware holding it back.

        However, when I said ‘looks awful’ I meant pretty much everything. The script, the animations, the visuals, the elbowing-in of Bishop, the lifter, the pilot who looks like that chick who flew the ship in Aliens, the Sulaco… this trailer and all the previews I’ve read have reduced my interest in this game to zero.

        • luukdeman111 says:

          And the fact that XCOM was an isometric TBS game also justifies the graphics a bit…

        • exogen says:

          If I see one more person say “GOD THE GAME LOOKS SO BAD” like they themselves hand design superior graphics I swear I’m going to explode.

          The game looks fine, seriously. It’s average but definitely not “bad.”

          I’m sick of hyperbole by PC-Chair Critics in comment sections on sites. fuck all of you.

          • Brun says:

            GOD THE GAME LOOKS SO BAD.

            Since you’ve now exploded, I don’t expect to see any more posts from you. Good day!

          • Memph says:

            Damn straight. You tell them mooks what’s what squire.

          • tobecooper says:

            GOD THE GAME LOOKS SO BAD.

            This is for using the ‘if you can’t do better, don’t criticize’ silly argument.
            If I see one more person do that I swear I’m going to explode.

          • SkittleDiddler says:

            Gee willikers, this game looks simply awfulbad.

            ANGRY INTERWEBZ MAN WHATCHU GONNA DO?

          • spamenigma says:

            GOD THE GAME LOOKS SO BAD… At least based on what this trailer has shown us it seriously does! I was looking forward to this but that trailer has just put me right off. I hope the vid is from one of the aging consoles, can only hope it isn’t a straight port and the PC version has something going for it??

          • SuperNashwanPower says:

            This game is uglier than a harlequin baby

        • Baines says:

          Looks like Gearbox. The script, animations, etc.

          In some ways, it may look better than I expected. But my expectations were pretty darn low… Post-Duke Nukem Forever low, honestly.

        • abandonhope says:

          The characters in XCOM were intended to look vaguely like toys, so… I lost my train of thought.

      • Yuri says:

        The game has been in development since 2006, at least by known data.
        It’s being made by Gearbox.
        There was another game picked up by Gearbox that was also in development limbo.
        Duke Nukem Forever, remember? And it also looked shoddy in pre-release trailers.

        I’m kind of seeing a pattern here.

        • Premium User Badge

          Wisq says:

          Except they broke the pattern, twice, with Borderlands 1/2.

          That alone is enough for me to ignore DNF, and this too if it flops.

      • FCA says:

        I had a Doom 3 flashback. Definitely looked like graphics and animations from that era. Also had that plastic/rubbery look for skin.

    • Zogtee says:

      Yes, it does look rather rubbish. I… thought I wanted this game, but I honestly don’t know now.

  5. Taidan says:

    I don’t understand. Why are they now trying to persuade me to not buy this game?

  6. Premium User Badge

    Zunt says:

    Vogons: Colonial Marines.

    Listen up biscuits
    Wafer-Two-Three ran into a big cup
    aboard the T42 Thyme
    Now we gotta pull them out of the tea
    We don’t leave bourbons behind

    • Premium User Badge

      Lambchops says:

      First
      If it moves
      Dunk it

      If it’s not soggy
      Dunk it again

      Third
      You don’t munch
      Until I get my share of hobnobs

      (we’re not on the same team!)

      • Premium User Badge

        Zunt says:

        Now
        anybody made of wholemeal flour
        would hop the next tin home

        But you’re not made of wholemeal flour
        You’re in the corps, and low in fibre.

        • P7uen says:

          And remember
          We’re not just eating biscuits
          as a pleasant accompaniment to tea

          We’re eating biscuits because dinner isn’t until 6:30
          That’s a meal I intend
          to eat

  7. ocelotwildly says:

    Still better than Carol Ann Duffy

    • iucounu says:

      Booooooo! Carol Ann Duffy is great. Booooooooooo I say!

    • zachforrest says:

      Absolutely. She described whomever (can’t remember) she nominated for the TS Eliot prize as ‘a world class poet’

      What the hell does that mean.

      Ill never forgive her input in GCSE English.

      • Toberoth says:

        Love’s like an onion,
        It makes you cry and shit.

        –Carol Ann Duffy

      • iucounu says:

        Yeah, that was Sharon Olds, whom I’ve not read. I reckon you can call someone a ‘world-class poet’, can’t you? Doesn’t it just mean ‘someone I regard as being one of the best poets in the world’?

        I like Carol Ann Duffy a lot – did Mean Time for A-level, which seems like a better time to do it than GCSE. Nobody should be made to do anything actually good for GCSE – the way the exams work seemed to kill everything I read back then stone dead.

    • Esteis says:

      Quod non. To steal a phrase from the inimitable Verity Stob (whose “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love IPv6” I particularly recommend to the technically inclined, as well as to Orwell-lovers): Anybody chortling can stay behind afterwards and write a 2,000 word essay on the subject “When I can write something one eighth as workmanlike as Prayer then I will be entitled to an opinion”.

  8. Echo Black says:

    Did they…Did they just play dubstep in an ALIENS trailer?

    Truly, nothing is sacred anymore

    • Phasma Felis says:

      …No, no they did not. Do you know what “dubstep” is?

      Okay, I listened to it again, and there’s one bit where you can faintly hear a “whoomp” and then a “skreee”, though they might just be sound effects. I suppose if you’ve decided to be traumatized by anything that has a “whoomp” and then a “skreee”, and you’ve elected to name that trauma “dubstep” for some reason, then yes, you might want to avoid this trailer.

      • Premium User Badge

        darkChozo says:

        Dubstep is a synonym for “electronica that I don’t care for”, duh.

      • Ross Angus says:

        What is a “dubstep”, M’lud, and where can I buy one?

      • Armante says:

        Yeah there’s a bit mixed in, from 1:06 onwards. Mixed with the gun sounds.

  9. Ninjilla says:

    The bland dubstep in the background just adds to the sadness.

  10. Moni says:

    Hmm, list of games that include climbing into something’s colon:

    Gears of War 2.
    Starcraft 2.

  11. JFS says:

    Which exactly were the shooting sounds, and which was part of the music? I’m confused.

  12. Xardas Kane says:

    It certainly takes a certain kind of talent to write something that stupid. It’s kind of impressive really.

    • Premium User Badge

      Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      I remember when Aliens: Colonial Marines released trailers that made the game look interesting and good.

    • meatshit says:

      I’m going to be generous and assume they’re trying to ape Aliens in all it’s corny, 80s glory.

      • FurryLippedSquid says:

        Such a film does not exist.

      • Xardas Kane says:

        I thought the game was supposed to be Aliens 2 :p

      • Hillbert says:

        Aliens is not corny 80s glory, Aliens is just glory.

        And probably, for good or evil, one of the most influential films on game design/plot/concept…

        • Brun says:

          Indeed, the whole idea of “Space Marines” in modern film and games can be traced to Aliens (although Cameron obviously borrowed heavily from Heinlein’s Starship Troopers).

  13. HatsAlEsman says:

    *Sees that a chair is not moving*
    *Kills it again*

    This game is confusing.

  14. Tom Walker says:

    Yep, that’s a special kind of awful.

    But also, it’s awful in the same way as practically all big-budget game trailsers are these days, I.E. it doesn’t give me any useful idea of what playing the game might be like.

    • felisc says:

      no no, it’s at least 28% more awful than other games trailers.
      oh and that “fight the fear” at the end made so little sense.

      • Tomac says:

        “Fight the fear, not that we have any fear cause we shoved our gun up fear’s ass and pulled the trigger”

        (Meant to be read in the voice from the trailer)

        • Stan Lee Cube Rick says:

          It made me think of No Fear t-shirts from the 90s.

  15. Network Crayon says:

    Your poem doesn’t do that justice. you need the appalling voice acting.

  16. Giuseppe says:

    One would be hardly pressed to come up with something cheesier than this.

  17. karmafarm says:

    could we have it in lower case, like ee cummings?

  18. SominiTheCommenter says:

    What kind of colon cancer leads to a “bad ass”?

    • The white guar says:

      I’d say leiomyosarcoma. Surely not one of those puny adenocarcinomas.

  19. Tomac says:

    So they took Aliens and turned it into Bro Bro Alien Shooter 2013.

    Gearbox i am disappoint.

  20. x1501 says:

    Finally, a xenophobic first-person shooter!

  21. Premium User Badge

    tobias says:

    What a bizarrely rubbish trailer. It would be very disappointing if the game is as poor as the trailer suggests, but the previews did not inspire hope. Also, as an aside, why the fuck did they keep showcasing the ugly alien blood splatter?

    Also, as another aside, were the people making the trailer aware of the every-trailer-ever-involves-dubstep-now meme, and attempting to join in with a sort of tongue in cheek reverence?

    Or are they just morons?

    • FurryLippedSquid says:

      I’m running with the latter.

    • DickSocrates says:

      I strongly suspect the venn diagram between ‘is a moron’ and ‘ is Randy Pitchford’ have significant overlap.

      That’s unfair, his main problem is he genuinely can’t seem to tell what’s total shit and what isn’t, thinking everything in the world is ‘so awesome I shed a tear’. That’s not a quote, it’s an illustration of his attitude toward anything Gearbox does even when it’s plainly pants.

  22. gaiusimperator says:

    CORNFACE!

  23. Phasma Felis says:

    I don’t think it’s the script, it’s the voice actor. They needed an R. Lee Ermey to do it. (Warning: Link contains WARFACE)

    The guy they got can’t muster the screeching psychopathy necessary to make “You don’t die unless I give you a direct order” sound threatening instead of ridiculous. My main problem with the script is that he only says “fuck” once in a minute and half.

    • CapnZapp says:

      That link requires log-in.

      • Phasma Felis says:

        What, the Youtube link? Oh, for age verification. So, um…log in, then? I can’t control what Youtube decides to age-gate, and you’ve surely got a Google account.

  24. DiamondDog says:

    And 14 year old kids everywhere lose their minds.

    • Lemming says:

      More like 14-year old kids everywhere said ‘What the fuck is Aliens?’

      • Shooop says:

        No, they said, “Hey those things the Predators fight!”

        Which is probably just as bad really.

  25. DickSocrates says:

    FROM THE WRITERS OF DUKE NUKEM FOREVER.

  26. Davie says:

    Gearbox seems like the Creative Assembly at this point. They’re both very, very good at their central title (Borderlands/Total War) and mediocre to irredeemably shitty at everything else. It’s a curiously narrow focus.

    • Bhazor says:

      No I’d say they’re generally a strong studio who have made some crap in the past couple years.

  27. db1331 says:

    This was bad, but to be fair, the voiceover and writing in that Fallout: NV “Brazil” mod the other day was easily much, much worse. I realize that one is a mod and the other is a multimillion dollar AAA title, but still.

  28. WhiteZero says:

    Was the announcer Jon St John, voice of Duke Nukem?

  29. Lemming says:

    Back to playing AvP instead, says I.

  30. Lucretious says:

    Was listening to Leonard Cohen’s “going home” as I read that. Fit fantastically well.

  31. doswillrule says:

    Considering the development cycle, the bad Duke Nukem impression is rather appropriate.

  32. Optimaximal says:

    Thy haven’t even got the pulse rifle sound right…

    Even the previous rubbish Aliens games got the pulse rifle sound right!

  33. Eddard_Stark says:

    Goddammit SEGA. Give me my Aliens RPG instead of this *console corridor pew-pew with retarded slow aliens lining up so that even a monkey can popamole them one by one*.

    • arccos says:

      I would prefer something like a sim or management game where you’re the company that’s always trying to capture the things, and the Goddamn marines never get it right!

      • All is Well says:

        I envision it as an XCOM: Enemy Unknown where you don’t have full control over your squad and every mission ends with everyone dying.

      • Bhazor says:

        Funny you should mention that.

      • njursten says:

        Well, stop being so stringy with the resources, sending teams with a 10% chance of success!

  34. SeanFoster says:

    What a bad trailer. I have this pre-ordered on Steam but now I’m considering cancelling.

  35. Bhazor says:

    I am surprised no one has complained that the space marines use unarmoured and unarmed power loader exoskeletons.

    Seriously, theres fan service and then there’s actively ruining your own damn story/setting.

  36. Angel Dust says:

    It seems like they only watched the first 20 minutes of Aliens because all the dude-bro macho shit was pretty much just a set up for the cocksure Marines getting their asses handed to them by the good ol’ Xenos. Then the strong female, the least macho marine and a resourceful child, take over because most of the marines are dead or hysterically whimpering in the corner.

    • Premium User Badge

      phlebas says:

      Hmm. Could the trailer be saved by adding a final scene in which we see Sergeant Voiceover and just as he finishes his monologue he’s eviscerated from behind by an Alien?
      That’s a battle I intend to wi-hkkkkk-shlllup-THUD.

  37. Hoaxfish says:

    just for comparison, the “Aliens” film trailer

    • LJFHutch says:

      The only thing showing it’s age in that movie is Ripley’s awful hair.

    • RogB says:

      youtube comment:
      The ship at 0:16 looks like a frigate out of halo.

  38. mehteh says:

    Not only are AAA games dumbed down for the audience, now the trailers are

  39. Berzee says:

    Obtain a common mailing label.
    Write upon it, “Poetry”.
    Proceed to your computing table.
    Stick it on the “Enter” key.

    • Berzee says:

      (Then alter “Tab”,
      if you feel able,
              calling it
              ”More Poetry”.)

  40. Tei says:

    I dunno.

    This dude talking in the video seems the type of guy that would give me the smart-gun, a card for a heavygear militar exoarmor, the flamethrwer and 40 movement sensor mines. Thats the type of people I like to have around, he sounds awesome the right type of awesome.
    I think is appropiate, both in substance and form.

  41. lijenstina says:

    “If moves kill it if it doesn’t move kill it again.”

    Uh Sir… Why don’t you say something useful, like some intel about ship , it’s layout, the damages that it suffered, what areas are deemed to be more safe than others, what is the alien Race in question, what kind of weapons and tactics are most useful against them, what type of units will be deployed, maybe send some recon drones first to scan the area, then use the gathered info to send some armed drones to destroy most of the enemies or, at least, decrease their numbers, what kind of protective gear would be needed, the adequate quarantine procedures for the possible alien diseases and parasites, how the possible needed extraction and retreat will be handled in case things do go wrong, the routes and locations of them, how logistics would be handled, repairing broken equipment, dealing with the injured, and most importantly who put You in charge You fucking moron.

    “Wub wub wub”

    We are all going to die.

    • x1501 says:

      Ship layouts and tactics are for sissies. They’re fighting for the title of baddest motherfuckers in the galaxy, remember?

      • AlienMind says:

        Isn’t that bad for the genes?

        • Sleepymatt says:

          Hmmm… this might not be the time to remind such pea-brained bro-hulks that to win that title fair and square, not only do they need to actually fuck their mothers, but they need to do it badly.

          Shakespeare is rolling in his grave, I tell you.

  42. MDefender says:

    Wait, wait. Let me.
    “I don’t think we’re alone out here.”

  43. TheTayl0r says:

    Ermmmm…. never mind the dialog. Much has been written about the “PC optimisation”.. I don’t see any of that here – bad textures, flat lighting, uninspiring animation… C’mon Gearbox, do not make this a really poor X360 port!

  44. Bimble says:

    I watched it with the sound down (and for the sake of transparency, whilst watching ‘class of 1999′) and gotta say, it looks kinda awesome.

  45. Premium User Badge

    El_MUERkO says:

    Since the first in-game images were released and the character models looked oddly out of proportion and the guns were too big and held all wrong I had concerns. Looking at the multiplayer at the Eurogamer Expo compounded those concerns. This trailer does not help.

    • Barberetti says:

      Yeah, the guy in the top pic either has a really small head or a fucking gigantic hand.

  46. AlienMind says:

    So, who did write it?
    What does it mean!?

  47. Squishpoke says:

    Well, I liked it.

  48. Premium User Badge

    Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    The title picture is more entertaining if you mentally flip it top/bottom.

  49. SpaceAkers says:

    No chance this game is going to be good, unfortunately.

  50. PopeRatzo says:

    I gave a similar speech to Cub Scout troop 842 when we had our annual paper drive last Spring. I emphasized. every. point. with a snap of my riding crop.

    With my jodhpurs, boots and polished helmet, I imagine I was quite inspiring to those young lads.

    • Askeladd says:

      It’s okay to give people spirit in some scenarios by such speeches, but this wouldn’t work on an elite troop that’s about to enter the stronghold of the greatest enemy of the human race.
      Sounds more like and idiot that’s about to die, because he knows nothing.

      Seems like they made Aliens weakest points stronger. NO; NO! NOT THE CHEEESSEEE ARRRGH THE CHEEESSEEEEE.