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The 'Complete' A Smurf In Terraria

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Such is the way of RPS, gaming, and my brain, that long-term diary projects might not necessarily reach an absolute conclusion. We like to call these, “ongoing”. So it is that I attempt to plug the awkward silence over the holidays with the “ongoing” A Smurf In Terraria series.

Part One offers pretty much the basics. It’s the edition where I describe my playing the earlier stages of the game, below which all the commenters tell me what happens later in the game in a manner that suggests I’m wrong about everything I’ve written, which I stop reading because I want half a surprise left.

Part Two was my attempt to them find all those things people were so determined to spoil for me, and the discovery that I couldn’t, because of the peculiar way in which Terraria is constructed – essentially a roll of Sellatape with no discoverable end. Each attempt to take a step forward was blocked by another thing that asks me to take a step forward that’s blocked by… Well, I explain in the piece.

Part Three reveals gross hypocrisy, as after a huge leap forward I then turn to the commenters for tips on getting even further. And my delight in the Blue Moon (not the yeasty beverage, in which I also delight).

And then it abruptly stops. Will I return, finish the thing? Oh, what’s the point in even making idle promises. As much as I want to, I’m sure the next all-consuming indie magic is just around the corner, and I’ll only let you down.

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Who am I?

John Walker


Once one of the original co-founders of Rock Paper Shotgun, they killed me out of jealousy. I now run

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