Steam Charts: NieR hit

Alec is away this week. I fear that if he can’t find a wifi signal on his travels he might resort to haruspicy to try and find the truths contained within the weekly Steam charts. These round-ups of the ten games with the most cumulative sales over the past week are his obsession and his curse.

This week: while the cat’s away…

10. HITMAN

Hi, Jerry Cheese-Muncher here. Did you know that we mice have our own version of Steam? We use it buy games for our tiny little computers. Guess what control method we prefer? That’s right! A flightstick.

Anyhow, I don’t know anything about this Hitman game but it looks a little bit like Those Fucking People And Their Cat, a game in which you control a mouse who is trying to go about his regular routine while those fucking people and their cat try to kill him at every turn. Traps, poisoned fruit slices, claws, teeth, a goddamn taser – you name it, they’ll use it to kill you. There’s an iconic scene where a bunch of mice are dangling from a wooden beam in a cellar, throttled by piano wire. You can’t win the game but you get points for dying in the most violent, gruesome, hilarious or tragic ways possible. Last night I unlocked the “swallowed by a sleeping uncle” achievement. That was a blast.

9. Grand Theft Auto V

Ha! This’ll be the human equivalent of Grand Theft Cheese V. I have no idea what an Auto is but I’m guessing it’s some kind of cake? I know how much you people love cake.

Grand Theft Cheese V’s main innovation compared to previous games in the series was the introduction of other food types. Other than cheese, that is. I don’t even have to tell you how controversial the release was. Boycotts, claims of selling out, rumours that the publishers were hooking up with the Big Apple industry. It was a goddamn nightmare. Me? I enjoyed stealing the occasional piece of fruit. It’s edutainment really, showing the benefits of a varied diet and breaking down mouse stereotypes.

Oh yeah, and there’s something cathartic about getting that five star Hunted rating and killing every cat that shows up on the scene. Wish fulfillment power fantasies, you know?

8. Bioshock: The Collection

This reminds me of that one game about the underwater creep with the “No Gods or Kings Only Mouse” banner. Y’know, the one set in that theme park place? This one guy I know thinks it’s just about the best thing since sliced cheese but I couldn’t figure out why chewing the brains out of that Walt guy half-way through was necessary. He seemed like a good fella!

7. DOOM

Oh yeah! We got our own DOOM. Real good stuff with the shooting and the gore.

6. Oxygen Not Included

This’ll be that horror game based on the lab mice (and rats; we’re all rodent family, right?) you big monstrosities sent into space. Most of them exploded and the rest starved. Thanks for that, champ!

5. Total War: WARHAMMER

We call this one Clawhammer: Total Claw, even though all of the different animal factions use actual weapons. Guess who our equivalent of the Chaos Gods are? It’s the frickin’ humans who built houses on our fields and then try to kill us when we hang out in the houses.

4. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

I suck at Counter-Squeak: Domestic Quesoffensive. Look at that screenshot from last night’s game! I totally suck. Ha ha ha.

3. H1Z1: King of the Kill

I tell you, this would not be number three in the mouse Steam charts. Zombies just never took off here. If I’m being honest with you, we kinda think you’re all saps for enjoying the stupid things so much, with your zombie t-shirts, mugs and giftshops. What a weird thing to celebrate, your own reanimated corpses feasting on the living!

Nah. We’re all about mummies down here in mouse land. Can’t get enough of ’em! If your game doesn’t have a Mummies mode, why even bother releasing it?

2. Tom Clancy’s Ghost Recon® Wildlands

Is this one of those games where you need to pal around with people you don’t actually like very much? Oh, no way. And does it have one of those maps with all the icons on it? I’m so tired of games where you have to climb onto the countertops in every house to get all the cheese locations marked on your minimap. It this another one of those? I think I’ll steer clear.

1. NieR: Automata

Heck yeah! It’s good to see this at the top of the pile. But hang on just one minute…

*SNIFF*

*SNIFF SNIFF*

Can you smell something burning?

Ah, so long folks. Looks like the cat is actually going to cook and eat me while I’m still alive. Them’s the breaks! So long folks. I’d say ‘see you next time’ but Alec will be back and I’ll be dead.

47 Comments

  1. golem09 says:

    Bought Nier last night just to support the devs. I won’t have time to play it for weeks though :/

    TYPO ALARM: It’s not Nier Autmoata.

  2. ran93r says:

    I haven’t splooshed forty notes on a game in a long time but the more I read/watch of Nier, the more likely it’s going to happen.

  3. Luciferous says:

    The love NieR: Automata is getting is so ridiculously heartwarming… The game is a beautiful blend of bizarre story and sublime gameplay and for Yoko Taro to finally have a commercial hit makes me happy for him, I hope Platinum and him have a bright future together and that Square allow him to do whatever the hell he wants.

    I 100%’ed the game last week on PS4 and I’m still thinking about it now.

    • Voldenuit says:

      I just bought my moose lure and I’m going to ride me some moose tonight. Wait, that came out wrong…

    • zergrush says:

      I’d never dream of a world where a Platinum developed Yoko Taro game is getting better press than the latest Bioware visual novel. Really hoping this gets reflected on sales as both Taro and Platinum deserve the reward.

      Truly a great time to be alive.

      • Emperor Norton I says:

        To be fair to the Bioware teams, DA:I would have made a really great visual novel. The form would have allowed them to force the player to make more strategic choices regarding travel and time allocations, you could have better integrated the wartable missions into the main game, and they would have had an excuse for tripling the size of the various romance arcs.

    • PiiSmith says:

      Lets hope his next game also has a proper PC version, which warrants such a high number of players on the PC.

  4. Doct0r Babosa says:

    Gief Bayonetta 3

  5. Drib says:

    I approve of changing up the article style now and again.

  6. Captain Narol says:

    Beware, skavens are taking over RPS under innocent anime disguise…

    You know nothing, Man-Things !

    • Snowskeeper says:

      This is why we should support the Vampire Counts. They don’t eat cheese.

      • Darth Gangrel says:

        We already got some new blood thanks to Jerry, but you can always count on the vampires not to suck.

  7. Seafoam says:

    At this rate Steam Charts will continue to devolve until the articles are just .JPG’s of white noise.
    These images will be haunted by such insanity that anyone that comes in contact with them for more than 20 minutes will be imbued by such sense of “wrongness” that they will lose control and attempt to destroy it.

    If exposure continues further the subject will start getting auditory hallucinations of Vengaboys Hit song of 1998: “We Like to Party” until they expire.
    The website “Rock Paper Shotgun” will be blocked by the UN to contain this anomaly that is called “Steam Charts”, the site continues to update with latest gaming news, despite no-one being able access the site.
    After 4 weeks, Steam Charts breaks free and spreads to the rest of the internet, more potent than before.

    Within hours most of the world’s population will be affected by the anomaly, Vengabus will be the last thing they hear.
    Only people in communities without access to the internet will survive, but civilization as we know it will have vanished.

    Future generations will be taught to fear all old world technology. All digital data will fade away, and any written word will never be read again.

    Steam Charts has destroyed Civilization, but with it, it has destroyed Steam, and all knowledge that it ever existed.
    The anomaly erases itself, finally content, never to plague humanity ever again.

    • Premium User Badge

      phuzz says:

      And this is why you should/shouldn’t eat cheese just before you go to bed.

    • MrCrun says:

      Unexpected SCP? Shit, I was going to actually do something today. Ah, well.

      It has occurred to me the SCP website should be classed as an anomaly, for being so compulsive. Same as TVtropes and Deus Ex. Ha! Now a bunch of people are not being constructive.

  8. Jeremy says:

    Hold on… is Oxygen Not Included out now? Or in Early Access? What’s happening?

    • Ghostwise says:

      I think it’s just listed for atmosphere.

    • Laokia says:

      Oxygen Not Included can be purchased now in its pre-Alpha version. ((Sorry if I’m missing a joke ^^’))

      • Captain Narol says:

        But…but… There is no greek letter before alpha !

        We’re into the void !!

  9. Ejia says:

    How do you say “The Vengabus is coming” in mouse? I tried “squeak squeakity squeak nibble nibble”, but apparently that was something extremely rude.

  10. Hyena Grin says:

    Wow, even in this cute little framing device you found the cynicism to crap on Ubisoft for a game that seems to be doing pretty well (and I find pretty darn enjoyable).

    Lately I’ve been kinda feeling like the site is losing a sense of joy for the hobby that made up part of why I became a regular reader in the first place. I suppose I am seeing the site through the eyes of a reader who has been disagreeing with the articles lately, but I’m not sure that’s it. A lot of the writing seems kind of tired and resentful. Even this silly article seems tired in a way that I wouldn’t have thought possible for a ‘mouse games’ framing device.

    I mean, it probably says something that I see John’s appraisal of Mass Effect’s writing and animations, and I see Film Crit Hulk’s completely contradictory appraisal, and despite him not even being a game critic, I am gravitating toward taking his word over RPS’s.

    I dunno. Maybe it’s just me. But my SO has been feeling similarly. We sometimes joke about how we can’t wait to see RPS shit all over a game we’re looking forward to releasing. And we have been right more than we’ve been wrong about that.

    • Snowskeeper says:

      To be fair: it’s hard to be bright-eyed and optimistic about something when the people making the games are so cynical themselves.

    • FuriKuri says:

      Sadly it’s because 99% of the internet these days has reduced to the point where everything has to be either pants-creamingly euphoric or is regarded as being so awful that mere hint of it leads froth-mouthed rants about how it should be eradicated from history.

      Things can’t just be ok any more, which is a shame – I reckon these days its actually pretty rare for AAA games to actually BE awful (indie titles, sure…). Polished to the point of blandness maybe, or with notable issues plaguing a few points – but overall, still ok. About the only experience of real awfulness I’ve had over the past few years that comes to mind was Aliens: Colonial Marines – and I still had fun because it was just the right kind of awful to laugh at.

    • Chairman_Meow says:

      I wouldn’t say it was harsh. What does Wildlands bring to the table that is new or in any way differentiate itself from the scores of shooters already on the market? It’s just another game in that vein. I have several friends who are enjoying it immensely but no one is claiming it breaks new ground in the genre. It seems to be well crafted (in the same way a table can be made well) and people who like that particular kind of thing are having fun with it. The criticism in the article merely notes that it is another in a long line of similar products and the author is not interested. I wouldn’t take it so personally, you like it – have fun and don’t worry about it. The reviews for it across the internet all say similar things and I doubt anyone who would have a blast with it would be dissuaded from purchasing it because of the slight criticism it has received in the games press.

    • Catterbatter says:

      Take a breath? It’s going to be okay. This has nothing to do with John’s reasonable critique of ME:A. This one’s just a cartoon mouse guest columnist poking fun at Ubi’s whack-an-icon open world games.

    • LennyLeonardo says:

      *smash*, “Oh no, my glass house!”

  11. Shinard says:

    Well, that was… bizarre.

    I do prefer the little bits of commentary of the usual format, though. Y’know, this is here because of a sale, this got a boost because the sequel was announced, it’s nice to see an indie game in the top 10… just little things like that. Keep the insanity, but with a bit of substance as well.

  12. Captain Narol says:

    Jerry Can !

    Ok, I’m out.

  13. Premium User Badge

    particlese says:

    So, this is how it ends. I’ve known you since the great Cat-astrophe, which we used to play back in grade school computer club. We always thought there was a way out — rumors abounded of secret pixels leading to a refuge and of arcane keyboard sequences to stop the countdown. You may be going out on top of a grill, but at least you can look back on your unnaturally long life and say you gave that cat what was coming to him, over and over again, and that you entertained millions in the process. So long, old mouse. I’ll make sure the cat puts some cheese on top.

  14. Scraphound says:

    Just a heads up. I bought this based on the review. One thing not mentioned was how shitty the optimization is. The game is almost entirely unplayable for many people right now. It’s probably an amazing PS4 game, and if your PC can run it correctly it’s probably pretty sweet, but I have a decent rig with a GTX1060 and I can’t play at all due to slow down.

    Fingers crossed this gets fixed soon.

  15. Marclev says:

    I bought NieR on the basis of the RPS review and it’s … really something rather special!

    That number 1 spot is well deserved.

  16. Gomer_Pyle says:

    You missed a good joke with #2.

  17. Premium User Badge

    goodpoints says:

    That frickin Redwall pic. It’s been a loooong time since I’ve seen/read it but I guess childhood me never realized how hilarious it was that an ancient hero decided to engrave an anagram on his sword that spelled the name of his descendant so they would realize their ancestry. (I Am That Is -> I Matthias)

    From that pic it looks like it could also say I Am That Ish.