Apparently I might be weird for thinking everything in The Eternal Cylinder looks like a willy?
I'm not though, I can prove it
All right, the title is a bit misleading. I do not think everything in The Eternal Cylinder, a very weird upcoming survival game by ACE Team, looks like a willy. I think some of the things look like fannies and bums as well. But according to people I have shared these thoughts with, they are not accurate, and are an indication that I am deeply strange.
That is okay, though, because The Eternal Cylinder, coming to the Epic Games Store later this year, is deeply strange. In it, you play a group of little bipedal creatures called Trebhums, initially starting with just one, but you add to your gang as you go. Their home planet is being constantly steamrolled by the titular cylinder, which is massive and crushes everything in its path. The survival aspect of the game is keeping ahead of it, while also keeping your Trebhum alive and uncovering the story of their race. This is all very interesting and original and I enjoyed the few story titbits I put together in the more recent preview build I played this weekend.
The alien world of the Trebhum is a varied one, with many biomes and different creatures and plants that do different things, and basically all of them look like penises. Or fannies, or sometimes bums, like I said. When I previewed an earlier build of The Eternal Cylinder in 2019, I was a bit coy about it. I said, "Almost everything has a slightly... genital air to it", but it is not slight. Like, let's be clear: the Trebhum may be inspired by Q*bert, but what they look like are walking nobs.
The USP on the Trebhum is that they can mutate by eating certain things to instantly develop different abilities. You can make them bioluminescent so you can explore dark places, for example, or give them a horn noise to scare off predators. In a mysterious temple, I was called upon to make my perambulatory ballsack into a cube shape, to open a locked door. You can even make them furry, if your tastes run that way.
Look, I'm fully sure I'm not being weird about this. Just watch the trailer up there. It's like going through an orgy in a car wash: a rainbow variety of sticky-outy bits and going-inny bits flying at you at eye level. While a big cylinder is menacingly whirring along behind you, mark you. The animals also have names like 'sack fly', I don't know what you expect from me here.
I don't think this is bad, by the way. The natural flora and fauna of the planet is all really organic looking, next to the strange machine-tooled menace of the Cylinder and its servants - strange monsters that look like Sid from Toy Story made them, and can strip your Trebhums of their mutations. In context, being chased by a creature that kind of looks like a big pink snapping vagina is way less creepy than being chased by a half-car, half-human torso.
There are other dangers that make it a survival game, too. The Trebhum get hungry and thirsty (though luckily there are lots of rude-looking mushrooms around the place), and being furry does actually protect you in extra cold places. But the survival aspects don't dominate the game. Actually, it feels more like an exploratory 3D puzzle game. I found lots of little hidden places to poke about it even beyond the story bits, where your progress is gently steered by light beams pointing you to your next objective.
The Cylinder stops rolling at special towers you activate, and will start again once you leave a kind of safe zone shown by a blue forcefield - sometimes big, sometimes small. This, too, controls your progress, so you're exploring in a given area and not just wandering aimlessly around jumping on fish and avoiding the big flying sex-dirigibles rocketing about the place.
The Eternal Cylinder: come for the giggling like a 13-year-old, stay for the smart design on a unique survival adventure. When I told some of my friends all this, they indicated that I was a Freudian nightmare of a person. One said he was "mildly concerned" about the genitals I have seen in my life. But on the other hand, I canvased the RPS Treehouse and at least two people agree with me.
For science, here are pictures of some but not all of the things I think look like willies, fannies or bums in The Eternal Cylinder:
Trebhum
Obviously. Pictured above is my square Trebhum, talking to an Elder Trebhum. Look at the Elder. It's even wrinkly. Do I seriously have to say anthing here? Clearly even the Trebhum know what they look like. It's why their expressions are so melancholy.
Disquieting fleshlight worm
These things sort of wobble around the place like slinkies, pausing occasionally to spit out balls of matter. Eating said matter will turn your Trebhum into a horrible-looking water factory.
Dicktrumpet vines
These are fairly common, though sometimes you'll see one growing by itself looking a bit lonely. They spontaneously fart out air and make a trumpety noise. If you eat one of the suspiciously bulbous, purple protruberances at the end, the Trebhum in question will be able to make a similar sound.
Terrifying penis-giraffe
I have only seen these from a distance. It looks like it might be some species of awful filter feeder, because every so often it does this -
- and peels up a reverse jaw that runs the entire length of its neck-body. I hate it.
Licking pug fish
At least, I think they're fish. They move on the land in sacks of water and they have to lick the side in the direction they want to go. You often see them bouncing ahead of you when you're fleeing the cylinder.
TEETH
They chase you and will eat you.
Gaseous sex-dirigible
I don't know what these things are, but I know they look like deviants and they are everywhere.
So, reader. Does everything in The Eternal Cylinder look like a willy, Y/N?