Skip to main content

Steam Charts: They Don't Want You To Read This Edition

We'll be shut down for this

I know what you're up to, "videogames". I see you. I see what's happening here. You think you're getting away with it, but not on my watch buddy. Not on my foil-wrapped watch. Here are the top 10 games to watch out for this week.

10. Raft

Yeah, well, I think we can all see what's going on here. "Learn to live on a plank of wood," says the game, made by The Man. Sure, let's all just pretend that there's some romantic ideal to living on a 2x2 metre square, get everyone used to that, living on scraps, in the sea.

We can see where this is heading. Conditioning. CONDITIONING. You just wait, you just look out for when the government starts telling you that your house is too big, and starts leaving planks outside your front door. You'll see.

9. Enter The Gungeon

It's these sorts of photorealistic games that lead to bullets going rogue in real life

Nice try, "Devolver". (It's no coincidence their name is an anagram of "REVOLVED", which just happens to also be another way to say "anagram".) I see what they're doing here, with their cutesy bullet as a hero.

We're supposed to be thinking, "What is this?! They're trying to make bullets seem nice! Is this a project by the NRA or something?!" But it's reverse psychology, sheeple, don't be falling for this! They're trying to make you MORE AFRAID of bullets by making you think they want you to think bullets are friendly, so they can control you even more effectively when the time comes.

8. Jurassic World Evolution

All part of your indoctrination for your inevitable dinosaur-based death

It won't come as a surprise to anyone that "Jurassic World Evolution" is an anagram of "LUDICROUS JANITOR WOLVES" and "JUDICIOUS LOVELORN WARTS". We see what's going on here. And yes, wouldn't it be so much fun if someone were genetically engineering dinosaurs? Ha ha! What a lark!

EXCEPT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK THAT. So they can carry on genetically engineering liberal Hollywood elites and you blind idiots don't even care.

7. Counter-Strike: Global Offensive

I fucking hate this joke too

When I'm busily identifying the evil actions of a one-world corporate-controlled shadow government, I find it can be exhausting without the correct levels of vitamin G-13 and Ribonucleicides in my diet. Which is why I supplement with Walker's Super-Dooper Advanced Red Pill Power Formula, containing all 911 vital antioxidants for healthy researching.

Walker's range of vitality-increasing ointments contain almost NO fluoride, over 300% of your daily recommended intake of Madeupiums, and will strengthen your mitochondria to the point where other organelles begin to feel worried for their safety.

Buy now to overturn the Illuminati for only $39.99! They're like a deep state deep-tissue massage for your soul.

6. Clicker Heroes 2

Just handing your clicks over to the government like a FOOL.

Remember when clicks were worth something? When you could sell your clicks on the open market? No, of course you don't, because of the successful brainwashing from Playsaurus and other so-called "developers".

Now people just give away their clicks for free, so that they can be harvested by games like Clicker Heroes 2, and used to help Hilary Clinton hide all her hundreds of thousands of emails.

4. Islands Of Nyne: Battle Royale

Point To The Castle Sim 7

Let's just break this one down, shall we?

Islands = Isles = I'll
Of = Concerning
Nyne = Nine
Battle = War
Royale = "custard cut into shapes and used as a garnish in soups"

So what have we got?

"I'll concerning nine war evil soup custard."

Yeah, I think we can all see what that means.

3. Grand Theft Auto V

Technically this is from GTA Online, of course.

Well we all know this is just a conspiracy to stop you from spending your £25 (and this week it's down to £16.50/$20) on non-fourth-dimensional developed products. (We know you're lizard people, Rockstar - we know.) But They can't stop us.

What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?

Three of these tin-foil hats for cats

5 & 2. Plunkbat

The music the government really doesn't want you listening to this week is Meursault's Klopfgeist:

Watch on YouTube

1. Monster Hunter: World

Monsters deserve to be allowed to roam freely, sign my petition at

How did an unreleased game that's been out on console for over half a year, priced at a ridiculous £50, sell enough to knock Plunkbat from the #1 spot for two weeks running?

Well why don't we ask the so-called "players", eh? As if Steam has any actual customers. It's blatantly a bunch of sockpuppets imposing their values on us, the ordinary people, to trick our poor children into believing in the ridiculous conspiracy of "videogames". It's time to call BS on this whole charade once and for all.

The Steam Charts are "compiled" via Steam's so-called internal charts of the highest grossing games (that the EU is willing to let you know about) on Steam over the previous "week".

Read this next