Lost Ark is a new free-to-play MMORPG that is notable because a) it is a hack 'n' slash grind that makes it a bit like a free version of Diablo, b) I have no idea what is happening at any given point in time while playing it, instead drowning in a soup made of words like 'destiny', and c) the player characters look like they work at a sex dungeon. Specifically work at, rather than participate in. They serve drinks and clean wipe-down sofas for minimum wage, and they don't particularly want to be wearing a latex catsuit, but here we are.
For example, I'm pretty sure my gunslinger character works at a steampunk cowboy themed erotique parlour. I actually quite enjoy her attack style, a sort of hyper-aggressive DPS that allows her to switch between three different gun stances (pistols, shotgun and rifle). The dual pistols in particular come with a load of crowd-control AOE attacks like explosions and spinning bullets firing smaller bullets, or something. And while there is some kind of story involving demons and a war and bits of stone (something something destiny), my gunslinger's quest is, currently, the single-minded pursuit of a pair of trousers.
I've got nothing at all against skin-tight, low-rise leather hotpants, and it's fair to say most character classes don't come out of the Lost Ark wardrobe department with any options for smart-casual or athleisure. Indeed, my objection isn't that my character started in hotpants, but rather that I do not seem to be allowed to put on anything else. Also, a lot of my base armour are Gravedigger items - as in, Gravedigger Gloves and such like - and I s'pose that's to give it a kind of sexy cowboy Deadwood vibe, right? But honestly, is this befitting the solemnity of a funeral?
I am laying entire areas to waste in this early part of this game in pursuit of trousers. I have killed so many giant lizards and birds that I have surely destabilised the ecosystem so seriously that it will be the subject of a five minute monologue from Sir David Attenborough in the next episode of Green Planet. The grass will have started the evolutionary process required to live off blood, judging by the carnage I've wrought. Even worse, I probably could have made my own trousers dozens of times over with the amount of animal skin my character has surely sliced in twain. A waste of good leather, if you ask me. Yet none of them drop anything other than silver, some health potions, and more hotpants. My poor gunslinger, trying to pay for some more health potions and just finding hotpants tumbling out of the tiny pockets in her existent hotpants.
I know there are trousers in this world. You know how I know? Because every other bastard is allowed them. But I can't buy them anywhere. The trader just has some very expensive pauldrons. I think they must be hiding all the trousers from my character specifically: "Quick, ol' bare-bums is coming!" But why!? God, she must be so cold! It's not like high-fantasy worlds have central heating or anything!
I asked Rebecca, who has been writing guides for Lost Ark, about this issue, and found that she is also struggling to keep her female character clothed. "I managed to find myself some decent Deathblade armor (bare arms but a sensible neckline)," she said, "only to have it almost instantly out-statted by a pair of leather hotpants and a top that was mainly straps bordering a boob window." Hotpants again! What is this??
In complete fairness, though, I will admit that it is very, very funny whenever a serious lore scene is happening and it is photobombed by my character's arse.
I imagine in that last picture she complaining about splinters. Please. Does anyone have any trousers? Anyone at all?