By John Walker on September 19th, 2008 at 7:46 pm.
Really, despite appearances, I couldn’t be less interested in Red Alert 3. That’s a game for the other three to get all excited about, while I’m playing something about crying. But they keep releasing increasingly ridiculous videos, and that gets my attention. The latest, below, it’s on a whole new level. It’s a sort of late 80s “dance remix” of various actors saying their hackneyed lines. Yeah, resist clicking “more” now, suckers.
It’s a good job RPS has already been as misogynistic about this as possible, because otherwise I’d have to make some comment about quite how lamely they went out of their way to pick old men and young, hot girls.
Which is proving more than housemate, PC Gamer’s Craig Pearson, can cope with. Seeing his betrothed, Crush Fromamericangladiators (beret), doing a little bit of the cage fight kick boxing that only he is sad enough to know she does professionally, is making him go all funny in his tummy.
Also, for extra geek cred, note that the other fake Russian, Ivana Milicevic (she’s actually Bosnian/Croatian), is the “other” Amber in season four of House. (I carefully avoid spoilers in a cunning fashion, there). And will one day be my wife.
Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.
19/09/2008 at 19:53 sbs says:
Oh the igryness.
19/09/2008 at 19:59 Bema says:
hmmm….
19/09/2008 at 20:05 Nilocy says:
Well, i dunno about you guys, but i like it.
19/09/2008 at 20:08 cyrenic says:
I believe this is the pinnacle of Western culture.
19/09/2008 at 20:10 sana says:
Did he just say ‘all your base are belong to us’?
19/09/2008 at 20:11 Cigol says:
OH. MY. GOD.
19/09/2008 at 20:13 Sam says:
That may have been the worst trailer ever.
19/09/2008 at 20:13 The_B says:
I think eventually John is going to incur the wrath of the entire PC Gamer team. First Tim, now Craig. I give it thirty minutes before he’s calling Ross names…
19/09/2008 at 20:14 A-Scale says:
Cute soviet girl who I have already forgotten the name of looks a bit daft here.
19/09/2008 at 20:16 Reid says:
Thats one of the funniest promo vids I’ve ever seen. “All your base are belong to us”, Sci-fi samurai warriors, the VW pimp guy and “Oh, snap!”. That’s some serious stuff right there.
19/09/2008 at 20:22 Jochen Scheisse says:
It’s nice to see that internets culture will destroy civilisation as planned!
19/09/2008 at 20:22 Thirith says:
You mean Kieron has never watched Brazil? That definitely loses him some pretentious game critic brownie points in my book.
19/09/2008 at 20:22 Lorc says:
On top of everything else – all your base?
I look forward to red alert 4′s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.
The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.
Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.
19/09/2008 at 20:24 The Apologist says:
That’s just quite rubbish.
19/09/2008 at 20:41 Pavel says:
That was awesomely bad. But still awesome.
19/09/2008 at 20:43 _Nocturnal says:
The game should simply never come out.
It couldn’t possibly be as good as this.
19/09/2008 at 20:47 N'Al says:
The pinnacle of Western culture indeed.
19/09/2008 at 20:48 garren says:
I thought that was awesome :D
19/09/2008 at 20:58 Feet says:
I don’t know what to say.
^_^
19/09/2008 at 20:58 Skaal-tel says:
Oh… Snap!
19/09/2008 at 20:58 Pace says:
Oh man that’s brilliant. For the first time ever I have a desire to play that game. At least somebody over there has some perspective.
19/09/2008 at 21:04 Piispa says:
“Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.”
But still missing JK Simmons? Failed..
19/09/2008 at 21:06 Fumarole says:
Cowboy Style FTMFW!
19/09/2008 at 21:20 RichPowers says:
JK Simmons has made a name for himself playing important men who sit behind equally important desks. Isn’t he a CIA chief in Burn After Reading?
19/09/2008 at 21:42 What says:
George Tekai claiming “All your base are belong to us?” Officially, fuck that, I’m not buying this. Not that I was buying it anyway.
Edit: I have to admit that I laughed at “Cowboy style” and then George Tekai laughing. I’m already disappointed that this game’s going to suck, considering some of the actors they have. (Pointless [astonishingly offensive comment - Ed] excluded, though they can be nice at times.)
19/09/2008 at 21:46 teo says:
I’m not really interested in the game but this ad makes me want to buy it
Not good
19/09/2008 at 21:50 Plopsworth says:
I feel sad for those who only know Jonathan Pryce as Kiera Knightley’s dad or a pseudo Bill Gates/Rupert Murdoch Bond-villain.
I [heart] Brazil.
19/09/2008 at 21:51 pepper says:
Let me start by saying that i love the RA genre, i still play the original and RA2. But this is just a bit over the top, i mean, samurai robots..It always was a bit over the top, but this??
19/09/2008 at 21:52 Dinger says:
Brazil was two hours too long. George Takei finally settled down and got married last week. Exactly forty years ago, he had a major supporting role alongside John Wayne in The Green Berets (And the theme song, The Ballad of the Green Berets was the #1 hit in the US for 1968. So next time you watch a bad Vietnam movie, and here an annoyingly “typical” soundtrack, remember that, when the war was going on, Americans could already say “my soundtrack tells me what to think of what I see.”
So set phazers to fabulous. RA3? Well, sure. It’s nice to see the actors have some fun.
Craig Pearson is marrying Crush?
19/09/2008 at 21:57 Женя says:
super :-D
19/09/2008 at 22:04 CrashT says:
Camp, disco madness. Superb… Absolutely perfect considering the game it’s advertising.
19/09/2008 at 22:23 John Walker says:
In its correct form, Brazil is 142 mins.
And yes, clearly one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.
19/09/2008 at 22:29 TheFalcon says:
That was awesome! :D
I still have lots of doubt about the game, though. I’m currently playing through RA2 and Yuri’s Revenge and not even the moon mission is as over the top as RA3 looks to be.
19/09/2008 at 22:35 Shadowmancer says:
If the fmv sequences are that awesome then I am finally buying a good game from EA the drm can kiss my ass.
Edit I’m not being sarcastic but genuine.
19/09/2008 at 22:53 Pace says:
I’m going to have to chalk this up to some sort of peculiarly British delusion, along with the suggestion that Iain M. Banks writes good science fiction. (Sorry, it just had to be said.)
19/09/2008 at 22:56 Noc says:
Wat.
19/09/2008 at 22:57 Larington says:
This video actually manages to make me want to pick up the game to see just how ridiculous the FMVs are, but not at full price though, nothing will make me pay more than £20 British Pounds for the game.
The temptation to come up with some cheesy joke starting with the phrase “Ivana…” is strong at the moment, but I must resist!
19/09/2008 at 23:00 Paul S says:
That was magnificent. I adore it. I also adore Jonathon Pryce. He seems to be having quite a laff here. They all do, actually.
19/09/2008 at 23:00 TheUnshaven says:
Lorc Says: On top of everything else – all your base?
I look forward to red alert 4’s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.
The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.
Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.
~~~~~~~~
…Is it wrong that I would seek out an opportunity to pay money for that game?
- The Unshaven
19/09/2008 at 23:13 Gap Gen says:
That’s ugly.
19/09/2008 at 23:52 kentrye says:
Obviously it’s trying hard to cater to the ironic computer-geek generation, but it’s charming nonetheless. Don’t know about the actual game though.
19/09/2008 at 23:55 Nimic says:
I… that… I mean… Just…
20/09/2008 at 01:18 Erlam says:
That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in that timeframe. Seriously… I laughed, then I laughed more, then I guffawed.
Well done, C and C, well done.
20/09/2008 at 01:24 teo says:
fuck
when she says ‘do you think you can handle it’ they reverse the clip just to make the editing fit
that’s a cheap trick, and I can’t unsee it!
20/09/2008 at 01:27 CrashT says:
@TheUnshaven: I’d copyright that idea if I were you. You’ve got at least one customer here.
20/09/2008 at 02:08 Tei says:
This guys of red alert really want to sell a RTS! :-D
20/09/2008 at 02:17 Gap Gen says:
Yeah, I’d have loved them to do something in the style of RA’s cutscenes with the obvious clout they have in enlisting some surprisingly well-known actors, rather than the pantomime of RA2.
20/09/2008 at 02:36 Hermes says:
quick everyone throw on your cynic caps!
20/09/2008 at 02:59 MeestaNob! says:
That was horrible and unreal.
Was worth a look purely for Takai saying “All your base are belong to us” and ‘The Bloke From the VW Commercial (And To A Lesser Extent Prison Break, I Guess)‘ saying “Armoured dolphins.”
So bad it’s good.
20/09/2008 at 03:02 Caiman says:
It’s either profoundly ironic, or it was written by someone clueless who was told to “go find out what all the cool kids are saying these days and base the lyrics off that”. I’m guessing the latter.
20/09/2008 at 03:57 Satsuz says:
My mind, it has been broken.
This makes my memories seem crunchier.
20/09/2008 at 04:07 CannedLizard says:
I must say nice. And as a hip 21 year old from North America world, I clearly am more suited than everyone else here to judge it!
20/09/2008 at 04:18 Noc says:
North America World sounds like the best theme park ever.
Also, memories are naturally crunchy. You should be alright.
20/09/2008 at 05:33 capital L says:
“doing a little bit of the cage fight kick boxing that only he is sad enough to know she does professionally”
Well she did fight on network television (CBS), during prime time hours no less.
20/09/2008 at 05:47 Noah_J says:
my goodness! it’s the dude from lost!
…and other things probably.
20/09/2008 at 06:07 Testicular Torsion says:
I think watching that left me just a little bit stupider than before, as if my brain cells were committing suicide en masse to escape the terror.
Why go to the effort of making a game at all? Why not just splice porn footage with pictures of shit blowing up for several hours?
20/09/2008 at 08:17 Martin says:
Awesome sauce for everyone!
20/09/2008 at 08:22 Bas says:
That’s stupid, they’re already acting as to be included. It would have been ten times better if they used footage that wasn’t meant to go into this remix. Fail.
Gemma Atkinson is hot though.
20/09/2008 at 09:45 Myros says:
Some of you guys take things way to seriously. It made me grin.
20/09/2008 at 11:28 CPY says:
I did not like it, it was horrible! Needs more groove.
Idea is great i bet there will be some remix of it on youtube worth watching.
But if you watch it with sound off man it is pretty good then!
20/09/2008 at 11:30 El Stevo says:
That blonde commando woman is horrid.
It’s good to see she still has time to do her hair and makeup in the field though.
20/09/2008 at 11:34 Sam says:
Myros: Oh, it wasn’t the silliness that I objected to – it was the horrible execution.
20/09/2008 at 12:18 Nallen says:
GINA
GINA CARANO.
Beret from American Gladiators? jesus wept.
20/09/2008 at 12:49 MetalCircus says:
It has George Takei saying “all your base are belong to us” in it. HOW CAN YOU DISLIKE THIS RPS?! I only want this because it has George Takei in it.
20/09/2008 at 13:01 phuzz says:
Full. Of. Win.
20/09/2008 at 13:28 Zaph says:
Peter Stormare <3
20/09/2008 at 13:32 Dood says:
That is wrong in so many ways. But still awesome!
20/09/2008 at 15:02 McCool says:
I’m never going to buy this game, that said..
“Armoured Dolphins”
Is this a promise they can follow up on? If so, the game is 250% more appealing.
20/09/2008 at 16:08 Antonius says:
Oh.. Sweet.. Divine…..
MY BRAIN!
20/09/2008 at 16:11 Peter says:
It has George Takei and Peter Stormare. Unless they slap some idiotic DRM on this I’m buying it.
The videos are exactly as cheesy as I remember them from earlier Red Alerts.
20/09/2008 at 17:03 pepper says:
Actually, armoured dolphins were already in RA2!! And looking back at it, anyone remember the MAD tank from one of the original expansions, or the giant ant mission? So maby it all fits in quite well.
20/09/2008 at 17:09 Gerfervonbob says:
Oh dear god, that was atrocious!
20/09/2008 at 17:56 Lukasz says:
RA 1 was not cheesy.
…
okay. a bit maybe. but it was grim and dark and awesome.
this is just wrong.
20/09/2008 at 23:11 Tims says:
This game’s PR is getting so ridiculously over the top it’s almost making me interested in it. They’re shameless.
20/09/2008 at 23:22 Peter says:
@Lukasz: Indeed. It was grim, dark, cheesy AND awesome. That’s how a like my Red Alerts.
21/09/2008 at 00:30 Seniath says:
Can’t…. stop… watching.
21/09/2008 at 11:06 Tagert says:
“Was worth a look purely for Takai saying “All your base are belong to us” and ‘The Bloke From the VW Commercial (And To A Lesser Extent Prison Break, I Guess)‘ saying “Armoured dolphins.””
It’s Peter Stormare man! The devil in Constantine?! No?!
(Oh, and I love this.)
21/09/2008 at 19:35 Neuromante says:
If the game includes a Japanese in a cinematic saying “All your base are belong to us” I think it’s over +5 in any over 10 score just for the lulz factor.
Anyway, U.S.A. used dolphins with mines in a war (I think it was in the second world war against japanese), so it’s not so stupid.
Oh, and yeah, there are bratty girls. Does anyone actually care about it? Yes, theyr’e hot, but…
21/09/2008 at 21:56 zima says:
I might actually do an upgrade just to play the thing with more of this…
21/09/2008 at 22:07 Crash says:
My brain exploded, my eyeballs popped out.. Must.. watch.. again..
22/09/2008 at 06:27 Cyanide says:
I LOVE THE SOVIET GIRLS! RUSSIA FTW!!!
Seriously.
22/09/2008 at 07:37 Nny says:
All your bases are belong to us – awesome! :D
23/09/2008 at 18:36 matte_k says:
The more I watch this, the more I love it. Totally cheesy, but everyone’s having fun being cheesy in it. Also, the Empire of the Rising Sun units look fantastic, so that’s a guaranteed purchase here.
24/09/2008 at 00:29 cncplyr says:
Damn I wanna get the game now!
24/09/2008 at 06:42 Mr. President says:
Well that was… painful.
Dance remixes and internet memes: they’re obviously trying to establish the new lowest common denominator.
09/10/2008 at 02:02 5n7p3r says:
omg, that dragunov looks so fake…
20/10/2008 at 12:33 Anarki says:
wtf just happened…i think my eyes have been raped
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