By John Walker on September 19th, 2008 at 7:46 pm.
Really, despite appearances, I couldn’t be less interested in Red Alert 3. That’s a game for the other three to get all excited about, while I’m playing something about crying. But they keep releasing increasingly ridiculous videos, and that gets my attention. The latest, below, it’s on a whole new level. It’s a sort of late 80s “dance remix” of various actors saying their hackneyed lines. Yeah, resist clicking “more” now, suckers.
It’s a good job RPS has already been as misogynistic about this as possible, because otherwise I’d have to make some comment about quite how lamely they went out of their way to pick old men and young, hot girls.
Which is proving more than housemate, PC Gamer’s Craig Pearson, can cope with. Seeing his betrothed, Crush Fromamericangladiators (beret), doing a little bit of the cage fight kick boxing that only he is sad enough to know she does professionally, is making him go all funny in his tummy.
Also, for extra geek cred, note that the other fake Russian, Ivana Milicevic (she’s actually Bosnian/Croatian), is the “other” Amber in season four of House. (I carefully avoid spoilers in a cunning fashion, there). And will one day be my wife.
Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.
Oh the igryness.
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hmmm….
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Well, i dunno about you guys, but i like it.
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I believe this is the pinnacle of Western culture.
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Did he just say ‘all your base are belong to us’?
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OH. MY. GOD.
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That may have been the worst trailer ever.
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I think eventually John is going to incur the wrath of the entire PC Gamer team. First Tim, now Craig. I give it thirty minutes before he’s calling Ross names…
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Cute soviet girl who I have already forgotten the name of looks a bit daft here.
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Thats one of the funniest promo vids I’ve ever seen. “All your base are belong to us”, Sci-fi samurai warriors, the VW pimp guy and “Oh, snap!”. That’s some serious stuff right there.
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It’s nice to see that internets culture will destroy civilisation as planned!
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You mean Kieron has never watched Brazil? That definitely loses him some pretentious game critic brownie points in my book.
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On top of everything else – all your base?
I look forward to red alert 4′s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.
The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.
Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.
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That’s just quite rubbish.
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That was awesomely bad. But still awesome.
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The game should simply never come out.
It couldn’t possibly be as good as this.
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The pinnacle of Western culture indeed.
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I thought that was awesome :D
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I don’t know what to say.
^_^
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Oh… Snap!
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Oh man that’s brilliant. For the first time ever I have a desire to play that game. At least somebody over there has some perspective.
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“Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.”
But still missing JK Simmons? Failed..
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Cowboy Style FTMFW!
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JK Simmons has made a name for himself playing important men who sit behind equally important desks. Isn’t he a CIA chief in Burn After Reading?
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George Tekai claiming “All your base are belong to us?” Officially, fuck that, I’m not buying this. Not that I was buying it anyway.
Edit: I have to admit that I laughed at “Cowboy style” and then George Tekai laughing. I’m already disappointed that this game’s going to suck, considering some of the actors they have. (Pointless [astonishingly offensive comment - Ed] excluded, though they can be nice at times.)
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I’m not really interested in the game but this ad makes me want to buy it
Not good
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I feel sad for those who only know Jonathan Pryce as Kiera Knightley’s dad or a pseudo Bill Gates/Rupert Murdoch Bond-villain.
I [heart] Brazil.
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Let me start by saying that i love the RA genre, i still play the original and RA2. But this is just a bit over the top, i mean, samurai robots..It always was a bit over the top, but this??
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Brazil was two hours too long. George Takei finally settled down and got married last week. Exactly forty years ago, he had a major supporting role alongside John Wayne in The Green Berets (And the theme song, The Ballad of the Green Berets was the #1 hit in the US for 1968. So next time you watch a bad Vietnam movie, and here an annoyingly “typical” soundtrack, remember that, when the war was going on, Americans could already say “my soundtrack tells me what to think of what I see.”
So set phazers to fabulous. RA3? Well, sure. It’s nice to see the actors have some fun.
Craig Pearson is marrying Crush?
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super :-D
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Camp, disco madness. Superb… Absolutely perfect considering the game it’s advertising.
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In its correct form, Brazil is 142 mins.
And yes, clearly one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.
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That was awesome! :D
I still have lots of doubt about the game, though. I’m currently playing through RA2 and Yuri’s Revenge and not even the moon mission is as over the top as RA3 looks to be.
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If the fmv sequences are that awesome then I am finally buying a good game from EA the drm can kiss my ass.
Edit I’m not being sarcastic but genuine.
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I’m going to have to chalk this up to some sort of peculiarly British delusion, along with the suggestion that Iain M. Banks writes good science fiction. (Sorry, it just had to be said.)
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Wat.
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This video actually manages to make me want to pick up the game to see just how ridiculous the FMVs are, but not at full price though, nothing will make me pay more than £20 British Pounds for the game.
The temptation to come up with some cheesy joke starting with the phrase “Ivana…” is strong at the moment, but I must resist!
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That was magnificent. I adore it. I also adore Jonathon Pryce. He seems to be having quite a laff here. They all do, actually.
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Lorc Says: On top of everything else – all your base?
I look forward to red alert 4’s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.
The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.
Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.
~~~~~~~~
…Is it wrong that I would seek out an opportunity to pay money for that game?
- The Unshaven
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That’s ugly.
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Obviously it’s trying hard to cater to the ironic computer-geek generation, but it’s charming nonetheless. Don’t know about the actual game though.
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I… that… I mean… Just…
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That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in that timeframe. Seriously… I laughed, then I laughed more, then I guffawed.
Well done, C and C, well done.
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fuck
when she says ‘do you think you can handle it’ they reverse the clip just to make the editing fit
that’s a cheap trick, and I can’t unsee it!
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@TheUnshaven: I’d copyright that idea if I were you. You’ve got at least one customer here.
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This guys of red alert really want to sell a RTS! :-D
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Yeah, I’d have loved them to do something in the style of RA’s cutscenes with the obvious clout they have in enlisting some surprisingly well-known actors, rather than the pantomime of RA2.
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quick everyone throw on your cynic caps!
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That was horrible and unreal.
Was worth a look purely for Takai saying “All your base are belong to us” and ‘The Bloke From the VW Commercial (And To A Lesser Extent Prison Break, I Guess)‘ saying “Armoured dolphins.”
So bad it’s good.
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It’s either profoundly ironic, or it was written by someone clueless who was told to “go find out what all the cool kids are saying these days and base the lyrics off that”. I’m guessing the latter.
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My mind, it has been broken.
This makes my memories seem crunchier.
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I must say nice. And as a hip 21 year old from North America world, I clearly am more suited than everyone else here to judge it!
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North America World sounds like the best theme park ever.
Also, memories are naturally crunchy. You should be alright.
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“doing a little bit of the cage fight kick boxing that only he is sad enough to know she does professionally”
Well she did fight on network television (CBS), during prime time hours no less.
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my goodness! it’s the dude from lost!
…and other things probably.
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I think watching that left me just a little bit stupider than before, as if my brain cells were committing suicide en masse to escape the terror.
Why go to the effort of making a game at all? Why not just splice porn footage with pictures of shit blowing up for several hours?
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Awesome sauce for everyone!
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That’s stupid, they’re already acting as to be included. It would have been ten times better if they used footage that wasn’t meant to go into this remix. Fail.
Gemma Atkinson is hot though.
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Some of you guys take things way to seriously. It made me grin.
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I did not like it, it was horrible! Needs more groove.
Idea is great i bet there will be some remix of it on youtube worth watching.
But if you watch it with sound off man it is pretty good then!
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That blonde commando woman is horrid.
It’s good to see she still has time to do her hair and makeup in the field though.
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Myros: Oh, it wasn’t the silliness that I objected to – it was the horrible execution.
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GINA
GINA CARANO.
Beret from American Gladiators? jesus wept.
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It has George Takei saying “all your base are belong to us” in it. HOW CAN YOU DISLIKE THIS RPS?! I only want this because it has George Takei in it.
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Full. Of. Win.
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Peter Stormare <3
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That is wrong in so many ways. But still awesome!
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I’m never going to buy this game, that said..
“Armoured Dolphins”
Is this a promise they can follow up on? If so, the game is 250% more appealing.
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Oh.. Sweet.. Divine…..
MY BRAIN!
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It has George Takei and Peter Stormare. Unless they slap some idiotic DRM on this I’m buying it.
The videos are exactly as cheesy as I remember them from earlier Red Alerts.
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Actually, armoured dolphins were already in RA2!! And looking back at it, anyone remember the MAD tank from one of the original expansions, or the giant ant mission? So maby it all fits in quite well.
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Oh dear god, that was atrocious!
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RA 1 was not cheesy.
…
okay. a bit maybe. but it was grim and dark and awesome.
this is just wrong.
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This game’s PR is getting so ridiculously over the top it’s almost making me interested in it. They’re shameless.
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@Lukasz: Indeed. It was grim, dark, cheesy AND awesome. That’s how a like my Red Alerts.
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Can’t…. stop… watching.
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“Was worth a look purely for Takai saying “All your base are belong to us” and ‘The Bloke From the VW Commercial (And To A Lesser Extent Prison Break, I Guess)‘ saying “Armoured dolphins.””
It’s Peter Stormare man! The devil in Constantine?! No?!
(Oh, and I love this.)
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If the game includes a Japanese in a cinematic saying “All your base are belong to us” I think it’s over +5 in any over 10 score just for the lulz factor.
Anyway, U.S.A. used dolphins with mines in a war (I think it was in the second world war against japanese), so it’s not so stupid.
Oh, and yeah, there are bratty girls. Does anyone actually care about it? Yes, theyr’e hot, but…
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I might actually do an upgrade just to play the thing with more of this…
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My brain exploded, my eyeballs popped out.. Must.. watch.. again..
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I LOVE THE SOVIET GIRLS! RUSSIA FTW!!!
Seriously.
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All your bases are belong to us – awesome! :D
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The more I watch this, the more I love it. Totally cheesy, but everyone’s having fun being cheesy in it. Also, the Empire of the Rising Sun units look fantastic, so that’s a guaranteed purchase here.
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Damn I wanna get the game now!
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Well that was… painful.
Dance remixes and internet memes: they’re obviously trying to establish the new lowest common denominator.
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omg, that dragunov looks so fake…
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wtf just happened…i think my eyes have been raped
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