Red Alert 3: Dance Remix Party Fun Time

By John Walker on September 19th, 2008 at 7:46 pm.

Get out of House's head!

Really, despite appearances, I couldn’t be less interested in Red Alert 3. That’s a game for the other three to get all excited about, while I’m playing something about crying. But they keep releasing increasingly ridiculous videos, and that gets my attention. The latest, below, it’s on a whole new level. It’s a sort of late 80s “dance remix” of various actors saying their hackneyed lines. Yeah, resist clicking “more” now, suckers.

It’s a good job RPS has already been as misogynistic about this as possible, because otherwise I’d have to make some comment about quite how lamely they went out of their way to pick old men and young, hot girls.

Which is proving more than housemate, PC Gamer’s Craig Pearson, can cope with. Seeing his betrothed, Crush Fromamericangladiators (beret), doing a little bit of the cage fight kick boxing that only he is sad enough to know she does professionally, is making him go all funny in his tummy.

Also, for extra geek cred, note that the other fake Russian, Ivana Milicevic (she’s actually Bosnian/Croatian), is the “other” Amber in season four of House. (I carefully avoid spoilers in a cunning fashion, there). And will one day be my wife.

Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.

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88 Comments »

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  1. sbs says:

    Oh the igryness.

  2. Bema says:

    hmmm….

  3. Nilocy says:

    Well, i dunno about you guys, but i like it.

  4. cyrenic says:

    I believe this is the pinnacle of Western culture.

  5. sana says:

    Did he just say ‘all your base are belong to us’?

  6. Cigol says:

    OH. MY. GOD.

  7. Sam says:

    That may have been the worst trailer ever.

  8. The_B says:

    I think eventually John is going to incur the wrath of the entire PC Gamer team. First Tim, now Craig. I give it thirty minutes before he’s calling Ross names…

  9. A-Scale says:

    Cute soviet girl who I have already forgotten the name of looks a bit daft here.

  10. Reid says:

    Thats one of the funniest promo vids I’ve ever seen. “All your base are belong to us”, Sci-fi samurai warriors, the VW pimp guy and “Oh, snap!”. That’s some serious stuff right there.

  11. Jochen Scheisse says:

    It’s nice to see that internets culture will destroy civilisation as planned!

  12. Thirith says:

    You mean Kieron has never watched Brazil? That definitely loses him some pretentious game critic brownie points in my book.

  13. Lorc says:

    On top of everything else – all your base?

    I look forward to red alert 4’s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.

    The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.

    Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.

  14. The Apologist says:

    That’s just quite rubbish.

  15. Pavel says:

    That was awesomely bad. But still awesome.

  16. _Nocturnal says:

    The game should simply never come out.
    It couldn’t possibly be as good as this.

  17. N'Al says:

    The pinnacle of Western culture indeed.

  18. garren says:

    I thought that was awesome :D

  19. Feet says:

    I don’t know what to say.

    ^_^

  20. Skaal-tel says:

    Oh… Snap!

  21. Pace says:

    Oh man that’s brilliant. For the first time ever I have a desire to play that game. At least somebody over there has some perspective.

  22. Piispa says:

    “Um, I’m rambling. But then, unlike Kieron and Leigh, I also know who Jonathan Pryce and George Takei are.”

    But still missing JK Simmons? Failed..

  23. Fumarole says:

    Cowboy Style FTMFW!

  24. RichPowers says:

    JK Simmons has made a name for himself playing important men who sit behind equally important desks. Isn’t he a CIA chief in Burn After Reading?

  25. What says:

    George Tekai claiming “All your base are belong to us?” Officially, fuck that, I’m not buying this. Not that I was buying it anyway.

    Edit: I have to admit that I laughed at “Cowboy style” and then George Tekai laughing. I’m already disappointed that this game’s going to suck, considering some of the actors they have. (Pointless [astonishingly offensive comment – Ed] excluded, though they can be nice at times.)

  26. teo says:

    I’m not really interested in the game but this ad makes me want to buy it

    Not good

  27. Plopsworth says:

    I feel sad for those who only know Jonathan Pryce as Kiera Knightley’s dad or a pseudo Bill Gates/Rupert Murdoch Bond-villain.

    I [heart] Brazil.

  28. pepper says:

    Let me start by saying that i love the RA genre, i still play the original and RA2. But this is just a bit over the top, i mean, samurai robots..It always was a bit over the top, but this??

  29. Dinger says:

    Brazil was two hours too long. George Takei finally settled down and got married last week. Exactly forty years ago, he had a major supporting role alongside John Wayne in The Green Berets (And the theme song, The Ballad of the Green Berets was the #1 hit in the US for 1968. So next time you watch a bad Vietnam movie, and here an annoyingly “typical” soundtrack, remember that, when the war was going on, Americans could already say “my soundtrack tells me what to think of what I see.”

    So set phazers to fabulous. RA3? Well, sure. It’s nice to see the actors have some fun.

    Craig Pearson is marrying Crush?

  30. Женя says:

    super :-D

  31. CrashT says:

    Camp, disco madness. Superb… Absolutely perfect considering the game it’s advertising.

  32. John Walker says:

    In its correct form, Brazil is 142 mins.

    And yes, clearly one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

  33. TheFalcon says:

    That was awesome! :D

    I still have lots of doubt about the game, though. I’m currently playing through RA2 and Yuri’s Revenge and not even the moon mission is as over the top as RA3 looks to be.

  34. Shadowmancer says:

    If the fmv sequences are that awesome then I am finally buying a good game from EA the drm can kiss my ass.
    Edit I’m not being sarcastic but genuine.

  35. Pace says:

    In its correct form, Brazil is 142 mins.

    And yes, clearly one of the greatest cinematic masterpieces of all time.

    I’m going to have to chalk this up to some sort of peculiarly British delusion, along with the suggestion that Iain M. Banks writes good science fiction. (Sorry, it just had to be said.)

  36. Larington says:

    This video actually manages to make me want to pick up the game to see just how ridiculous the FMVs are, but not at full price though, nothing will make me pay more than £20 British Pounds for the game.

    The temptation to come up with some cheesy joke starting with the phrase “Ivana…” is strong at the moment, but I must resist!

  37. Paul S says:

    That was magnificent. I adore it. I also adore Jonathon Pryce. He seems to be having quite a laff here. They all do, actually.

  38. TheUnshaven says:

    Lorc Says: On top of everything else – all your base?

    I look forward to red alert 4’s uk faction, composed of hi-tech spitfires, bobbies on electric penny farthings, angry mobs of football hooligans and haggis-catapult artillery.

    The commando will be a boy wizard with a funny scar, while the super-unit will be a teleporting police-box.

    Mission briefings will be given by a stern-looking librarian with glasses, her hair in a bun and her shirt open down to her knees.

    ~~~~~~~~

    …Is it wrong that I would seek out an opportunity to pay money for that game?

    – The Unshaven

  39. Gap Gen says:

    That’s ugly.

  40. kentrye says:

    Obviously it’s trying hard to cater to the ironic computer-geek generation, but it’s charming nonetheless. Don’t know about the actual game though.

  41. Nimic says:

    I… that… I mean… Just…

  42. Erlam says:

    That was the greatest thing I’ve ever seen in that timeframe. Seriously… I laughed, then I laughed more, then I guffawed.

    Well done, C and C, well done.

  43. teo says:

    fuck
    when she says ‘do you think you can handle it’ they reverse the clip just to make the editing fit

    that’s a cheap trick, and I can’t unsee it!

  44. CrashT says:

    @TheUnshaven: I’d copyright that idea if I were you. You’ve got at least one customer here.

  45. Tei says:

    This guys of red alert really want to sell a RTS! :-D

  46. Gap Gen says:

    Yeah, I’d have loved them to do something in the style of RA’s cutscenes with the obvious clout they have in enlisting some surprisingly well-known actors, rather than the pantomime of RA2.

  47. Hermes says:

    quick everyone throw on your cynic caps!

  48. MeestaNob! says:

    That was horrible and unreal.

    Was worth a look purely for Takai saying “All your base are belong to us” and ‘The Bloke From the VW Commercial (And To A Lesser Extent Prison Break, I Guess)‘ saying “Armoured dolphins.”

    So bad it’s good.

  49. Caiman says:

    It’s either profoundly ironic, or it was written by someone clueless who was told to “go find out what all the cool kids are saying these days and base the lyrics off that”. I’m guessing the latter.