Wot I Think: Star Trek – The Videogame

By John Walker on April 25th, 2013 at 9:00 pm.

It’s finally appeared. After being much-delayed, apparently to coincide with the film that’s out next month, Star Trek The Videogame (as I think we’re calling it now) is out in the States now, and other parts of the world tomorrow (but for some reason Namco Bandai accidentally forgot to send review codes to ANYONE!). Perhaps I showed my hand regarding my thoughts on Star Trek, when I tweeted yesterday, “Wow. Star Trek is terrible.” But maybe I was bluffing? Here’s wot I think:

I wasn’t bluffing.

Star Trek: The Videogame, as it’s so enigmatically titled, is a steaming turd dropped from the ugliest bumhole in the world. It is a quite exceptionally terrible game, from its numbingly dreary repetition, useless broken AI, archaic combat, clumsy construction, and utter nothingness story. And Simon Pegg.

At the start you choose between playing Kirk or Spock. I picked Spock. I’ve no idea how different it is if you’re Kirk, because playing it a second time is lower on my to-do list that drilling into my eye sockets and sliding down a razor-blade strewn banister. Clearly it wants to be a co-op game, but since the PC version’s co-op isn’t working for anyone (except for developers pretending to be customers), and since I don’t know anyone I hate enough to play this with if I could get it working, I played it solo. In this case the game’s deranged AI takes over the character you didn’t pick, and off the one-and-a-half of you go, on an epic adventure.

I’ve realised, looking back on it, that Star Trekthevideogame has stolen its plot from Mario. A race of lizard monster people (the Gorn, from that one episode of TOS) have attacked a Vulcan station, and their big boss guy steals a Vulcan lady, who’s the daughter of their leader (read: princess), so off go Kirk and Luigi to rescue her.

They also steal a device that the Vulcans are using to try to speed up the development of a planet for them to live on- wait, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard this story before. This time the not-Genesis Device causes a rip in the universe, through which the Gorn appear, and cause all sorts of bother.

STTVG lays its cards on the table pretty much immediately. Right at the start of the game Spock and Kirk make their way to the bridge, whereupon the AI controlled Kirk started running like a lunatic back and forth across the room. As Spock I simply raised an eyebrow at his mad antics, and sighed. Perhaps this wasn’t to be the game we’d been hoping.

And indeed it isn’t in any sense. Where the trailers might have implied something akin to Mass Effect, that’s absolutely not what you’ve got here. Instead it’s a fundamentally broken cover-shooter, with some of the worst third-person platforming since Tomb Raider: Angel Of Darkness. The ship-flying bit you might have seen in the trailers? That happens once early on, is utterly terrible and bemusing, and thankfully never happens again.

The vast majority of the game is spent running down corridors, using your tricorder to ‘hack’ terminals to get doors open or switch off security cameras and turrets, and shooting at waves of the same four or five enemy types throughout. The one variation appears in the form of a completely disconnected half-plot about the Gorn also turning your crew into zombie things with some virus, and you’re supposed to stun them instead of kill them.

It thinks it’s a game with stealth elements. Hence the cameras and turrets and the like. You can go into sneaky-mode, where you walk with a crouch, and attempt to silently sneak around the combat sections – in fact, the game encourages you to do so by giving you an absolutely meaningless picture of a shield at the end of a level if you don’t initiate a single fight. But this is essentially impossible, because if a psychic Gorn doesn’t ‘see’ you through a wall (even through the opaque solid floor if you’re in a tunnel below), then Kirk will just run off in front of them and trigger it of his own accord. And you can just shoot cameras and turrets to no real negative effect anyway – a few more enemies appear, but it’s all so pathetically easy that it makes no difference.

That’s not to say you won’t die. Oh ho ho, you’ll die. Enemies spawning behind you will make sure you do, or more likely, the absolutely hateful platforming bits. These are so dreadful it beggars belief, primarily because the sprint barely works. It’s one of those, press-once sprints, going until they feel pooped. So when you’re on a narrow ledge, asked to jump to a handhold on a wall, you have to start running, then press sprint, and then press jump, all within about three paces – and just hope that this time it’ll acknowledge that you pressed sprint. Fifty percent of the time it won’t, and you fall to your death, to discover just how idiotically far back the last checkpoint was placed.

More bizarrely in its delusion that it’s about stealth is an option in its upgrades (oh, we’ll get to those) to let you use your tricorder to make dead bodies disappear to avoid detection. First of all, there’s no moment in the entire game where that would be a thing that actually happened – it’s just about pressing forward, killing a wave, hacking a door, pressing forward – it just isn’t a game where such a tactic would serve any use. But even more so, the bodies disappear anyway! They pop out of existence seconds after they die, often along with the weapons they’ve dropped, presumably to try to save memory.

Combat is like a throwback to the 1960s itself. There’s nothing like regioned areas of the enemies to target, no advantage to a headshot or any such modern frivolity. Instead you just BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM at their bodies, normally four times for most of the enemies, and they fall over.

However, it’s meant to be a cover shooter, such that every corridor and room is conveniently constructed of three-foot high walls and blocks. Except the cover mechanic is ghastly, a gamble whether it will snap you into cover or make you… make you do a somersault. I’m shaking my head as I write, remembering how often my character’s defence against a barrage of fire was a forward roll.

To improve your chances you’re supposed to scan objects in the game world to gain XP, and then use this XP to improve your weapons and tricorder. But, well, you exhaust the usefulness of this in the first couple of hours. There are about nine categories you can choose from – faster cooldown, bigger range for scanning, etc – three in each but only one available from them at a time. So you unlock the seven or so things you want, and then pointlessly gather XP for the rest of the game with nothing to spend it on. You could buy the options you don’t want from the screen, but… why would you? Perhaps at one point in development they thought they were making Deus Ex, and reassigning your choices as appropriate for different levels would be a thing you’d want to do. But they didn’t make Deus Ex. They made Star Trek: The Videogame.

Every predictable crime of bad action gaming is here. As I mentioned, the checkpoints are an act of spite, presumably set by someone who loathes humanity. It incessantly takes over from you, with a good third of the game asking you to press forward between cutscenes. Incredibly, at one point you’re doing a mind-meld, where your function in the sequence is to press W to go forward between each flashback. That’s literally it – press W. That’s gaming! There are allusions to quick-time events, where you have to nonchalantly tap at E to open about 420,000 doors that have got stuck, or press E once to make a cutscene continue, because then you’re still playing! And it has about three barks per character, which you hear a billion times each, usually shouted completely out of context. “I think they’re trying to flank us!” shouts Kirk whether we’re fighting one enemy or five, rather optimistically overestimating the capability of an enemy AI that can’t even use cover.

Oh, and the damned hacking. There are three types. The one where you have to match up waveforms with their pairs, the one that’s like Tron’s light cycles but with the bikes replaced by snails, and the one where you have to “work together” as the game keeps so desperately encouraging, by, er, keeping a cursor in the middle of a circle while the other makes a line the right wobble shape. And they occur over and over and over, never varying, two of them never even changing in difficulty. And most astonishingly of all, when you enter a rip in space, that transports you to the other side of the universe, onto an alien planet that Man has never seen before, THEY HAVE THE SAME MACHINES TO HACK TO OPEN THEIR DOORS AND SWITCH OFF THEIR CAMERAS.

It all smacks of hopelessness. Crap like that just wreaks of a lack of interest from those involved, along with so many other shortcuts. Play as Spock and you can issue orders to Kirk to stand over here, or give you a leg up. But the words they say were clearly written for when you’re playing as Kirk, Spock agreeing to do what he asks of the other, and the like. Walls shoot at you, presumably hiding enemies behind. Even in cutscenes – scenes pre-determined by the developers – entire spaceships impossibly merge with each other as the intangible graphics overlap. Someone looked at that happening – so glaringly obviously – and went, “Ah fuck it, that will do.” As indeed did whoever wrote the line, “Death is too good for these two!” and didn’t immediately break their own arms to stop it from happening again.

And then the ending. Once Silar and (er) Nicholas Deveraux from The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement have rescued the princess from Bowser, the game… ends. Just stops. There’s no notion of an epilogue following the action (a really quite banal boss fight, in which naturally the game stops you from playing just before you’ve emptied his life bar, and then kills him for you in a cutscene – thanks), just done. Then after the credits your chosen character narrates some nonsense platitudes over a CGI of the Enterprise going for a space swim. It just feels like no one could care less.

It all looks like something developed years ago, the creepy almost-right character faces opening and closing their mouths like ventriloquist dummies, rather than properly lip-syncing, the dull environments taking as much advantage of Starfleet’s lack of wall textures as they can. And most of all, it’s so achingly repetitive. No matter whether you’re on the Enterprise, a Starfleet star base, or an alien planet the other side of the universe, you’re still just running between computers that open doors and shooting at the same five lizards. For hours and hours. Even the ending shown at the beginning is a fake-out, letting you optimistically think you must almost be done by the time you reach it again. (And wow, do they cop out of that cliffhanger.)

I think what I’m trying to say is: don’t buy Star Trek: The Videogame. It’s awful. Really, really awful.

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170 Comments »

  1. Brun says:

    Classic Walker material here. Love it.

    Also:

    AI controlled Kirk started running like a lunatic back and forth across the room. As Spock I simply raised an eyebrow at his mad antics, and sighed.

    “I think they’re trying to flank us!” shouts Kirk whether we’re fighting one enemy or five,

    I don’t know about you but both of these sound pretty true to Star Trek.

    • Premium User Badge darkChozo says:

      Replace “running” with “rolling” and mention something about a ripped uniform and it’s spot on.

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    • Contrafibularity says:

      Or at least the bits that Abrams remembers seeing in his youth.

      • Mad Hamish says:

        As a huge Next Gen fan who never got into the original series, all I’ve ever heard about the original series is that it’s not very serious and full of Kirk fighting or scoring with aliens. A load of old nonsense. I’ve started watching them recently and it’s still mostly standing around talking and thinking through the problems. Loads of episodes with not a single fist fight, phaser fired or Kirk love interest. So I’ve come to the conclusion that people who describe it as such haven’t actually seen the bloody thing beyond youtube compilations of Shatner “acting”.

        • rebochan says:

          Word. I’m the same as you – born well past TOS, only familiar with TNG and such. Decided I’d rectify not having watched TOS and yea, I found most of the people that complain about it really haven’t watched it.

          Especially when you ask them about things like the Gorn and they have no idea who that is. I mean…come on, that’s like telling me you hated watching Star Wars but you have no idea who Darth Vader is.

  2. Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

    I think I liked it a bit more than you did*. Perhaps playing it to completion will make it as welcome as a Klingon wedgie. But then, I’d consider Star Trek: The Pen to be ineffably superior in some small way to a regular pen.

    Even with that in mind, I cannot in good conscience recommend it. The game, that is. Star Trek: The Pen is awesome.

  3. GallonOfAlan says:

    LOL @ sockpuppet rumble.

  4. phelix says:

    But… since when was Star Trek about the good guys shooting everyone in a world practically made of TNT? What happened to ‘exploring strange new worlds’ and ‘seeking out new life and civilisations’?

    • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Snarky nu-Kirk insulted the strange new worlds, punched the new life, and slept with the new civilisations’ daughter.

    • Leaufai says:

      Because aside from maybe the Star Trek point-and-clicks this was never the focus. Some were clever, but action was always the focus. Bridge Commander: spaceship combat. Elite Force: phaser combat. Starfleet Command: spaceship combat.

      I will agree, that it could be better served by a less violent game. An adventure with a bit of choice à la The Walking Dead or Mass Effect, a bit of puzzling, a bit of bold deceit in dialog and also a bit of shooting to finish it off.

      • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

        The Walking Dead would be a superb model for a Star Trek game.

      • FataMorganaPseudonym says:

        The focus on combat, either ship-based or shooter-based, in most Star Trek games is exactly why most Star Trek games are crap, including this most recent one.

        Yeah, a Star Trek game ala The Walking Dead would be absolutely amazing. Seriously, someone should get whoever owns Trek now and the lead guys from Telltale and lock them in a room together for a while.

      • Sparkasaurusmex says:

        Did no one play Away Team, or am I just crazy in thinking that it was the most “Star Trek” of the Trek games? I liked it, also.
        I guess Elite Force was the most fun, but it didn’t really feel Star Trekky.

        • Azhrarn says:

          Away Team was quite fun, but I always thought of it as “Commandos Star Trek Edition”. :)

          Certainly more subtlety, subterfuge and trickery in that game than in most other Star Trek games.

          Except maybe Birth of the Federation, which was rather good as well in my opinion, although you could very easily break the game with your race of choice. :)
          Playing Romulans made everything hilariously easy by outfitting everything but the colony ships with cloaking devices by default, nothing like 1-shotting a borg cube or crystalline entity with Battlecruisers before it could even target you. xD

  5. diamondmx says:

    So, you’d give it a 7, then? Maybe a 7.5?

    • Ross Angus says:

      More importantly: better or worse than Aliens: Colon: Marines?

    • fish99 says:

      Funnily enough the game has plenty of 10/10 user reviews on metacritic, presumably all by the devs, publishers, their families and pets.

      Thankfully it has enough 0/10 user reviews to give it an average of 3.5/10.

    • RutigerP says:

      A 7 of 9 sounds about right

    • elhreno says:

      2,7182818284 of 3,1415926535 I think.

    • analydilatedcorporatestyle says:

      There was a mention you could buy stuff with real cash money(or it was alluded to) in this review. I find it just plain bad journalism that this wasn’t covered. I mean after reading the semi favourable critique that REALLY could be the deal breaker. No or poorly implemented microtransactions is a no no. Anyway back to the window licking…….

  6. Grygus says:

    Well that puts the Kobiyashi on any plans I had to check this out.

  7. cube1701 says:

    I’ve only played the first level (starting it on co-op tomorrow), but I’ve not encountered any problems with it and it’s really enjoyable so far. Sure, it’s not a particularly great game but it’s still sood.

    • Pony Canyon says:

      What exactly is sood? Surely, it’s impossible that was a typo for good.

      • cube1701 says:

        So far, it feels like Star Trek. The first level is quite well made, and it doesn’t feel like a typical third person shooter. The dialogue between Spock and Kirk is great.

        I’ve still got a long way to go, but I’m pretty sure I’ll enjoy it. I’d only recommend it to people like me (i.e. a Star Trek fan who is expecting a half-decent game in a Star Trek shell), though.

    • JJ says:

      Nice try, Kenneth Lindebaum.

    • Arkh says:

      Astroturfing at it’s finest.

      • tormos says:

        a bit sad when your astroturf is “it’s pretty shit but it’s not THAT shit, you guys” don’t you think?

      • cube1701 says:

        No, just a Star Trek fan who can look bast the bad aspects of the game. It’s an improvement over the Star Trek games published by Bethesda. Nowhere near as good as the old Activision days, but I’ll take what I can get.

        • Novotny says:

          I’ve just made a shit sandwich. It’s two pieces of bread, naturally, wrapped around a turd I made earlier. But get this – I’ve called it an Enterprise Sandwich. That’s right! Star Trek branding, right there. I’ll sell it to you for $49.99 because I believe you’ll look beyond the bad aspects of this particular sandwich and enjoy the Star Trek. It’s one for the fans, really.

        • Sparkasaurusmex says:

          If you think Cube’s story is interesting I have a link for you to click to make $54987 a day from your computer! Also I have a nice supply of bridges for sale!

    • CutieKnucklePie says:

      Did you mean “sod”? “Sad”?

  8. Jason Lefkowitz says:

    This is the sort of game that just baffles me. Who could possibly look at Star Trek as a property and think the best way to capture its spirit is to throw away the iconic spaceship and go with a cover-based shooter? I mean, even if you hate Star Trek, it’s hard to argue that it’s mostly about people trekking through stars in a big old spaceship, not running around on foot shooting bad guys. The only way I could see “make it a cover-based shooter” feeling like the right decision to the developers would be if they literally had never seen another type of game before.

    What an epic failure of imagination.

    • Scumbag says:

      “Who could possibly look at Star Trek as a property and think the best way to capture its spirit is to throw away the iconic spaceship and go with a cover-based shooter?”

      Management people who don’t know what a third person shooter is, but know they sell quite well.

    • LintMan says:

      Hey, this game is made in support of the gritty reboot series.It’s all about the action. And what says action better than 3rd person cover shooting and platforming, eh?

      There’s no room for thoughful exploration in gritty reboots!

    • v.dog says:

      Here’s The Managment process:
      ‘What’s this “Star Trek” about?’
      “To explore bold new worlds”
      ‘Huh?’
      “Space ships and aliens”
      ‘Like Mass Effect?’
      “Basically”
      ‘That sold really well- what sort of game was it?’
      “A cover-based shooter”
      ‘Lets make that’

      • Fluka says:

        Mass Effect, ‘cept you can’t make Kirk and Spock make out with one another.

        • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

          That would actually be an improvement to Mass Effect for me.

          I just wanted to know more about your backstory mission that went horribly wrong! I was just being sympathetic! Stop kissing him!

          • Koozer says:

            I tried to avoid this by only talking to crew members of the same sex. In ME3 I was terrified of saying anything upward of “hello” after a…weird conversation with Kaidan.

          • The Random One says:

            In ME1 when Kaidan comes on to your lady Shepard he’s all cagey and ambigous.

            You have an option to reply by saying you don’t understand what he means.

            You have that option three times in a row. The last time is essentially “as your commanding officer, I am commanding you to make some fucking sense”.

            That is, without a doubt, my favourite moment of the series. Never have video games so perfectly captured awkward.

        • solidsquid says:

          I dare say that would have put the sales numbers through the roof for this, maybe they should have considered it?

    • cube1701 says:

      One of the best Star Trek games was a first person shooter.

      • FataMorganaPseudonym says:

        Limited only by the fact that it’s a first person shooter.

    • Contrafibularity says:

      Look at the production credits.

  9. LintMan says:

    Why is Simon Pegg on the list of faults? Although I didn’t care for the Star Trek movie, I quite like Simon Pegg. Hot Fuzz and Paul were great.

    • TechnicalBen says:

      Yep. I don’t like him selling out to something that is obviously of lesser quality (in every way!) than his previous stuff. But he was the only likable character in the entire film. :P

    • John Walker says:

      I love Simon Pegg. Spaced is a holy text for me. But he’s the worst thing about the 2009 film, and rather impressively comes close to being the worst thing in this game.

      • brulleks says:

        I thought his stupid little helper was the worst thing about the first film, but his accent came a close second.

        Bring on The World’s End.

        Erm, not literally.

      • Bhazor says:

        I didn’t mind the character but how he’s written in to the movie was just embarrassing. An absolute ass pull.

        But it’s clear that Pegg was just geeking out the whole time and that made me kind of like him.

  10. TechnicalBen says:

    So SimCity worked? It worked in showing that if you say it enough, you can trick your customers into buying anything?
    So glad I left the hype train long ago. Mind you, my latest regretted buy was Blockade Runner back last autumn. But at least I can hold out hope for that coming out of beta, or use it as “lego”. Less so for these recent AAA failures.

    PS “I’m shaking my head as I write, remembering how often my character’s defence against a barrage of fire was a forward roll.”
    Scratch that. BEST GAME EVER! I’m laughing out loud now. I used that move in just about every game to troll the mechanics. It’s great fun in Zelda especially. :D

  11. A Monkey says:

    Honestly I think I could have done better.

  12. Dowr says:

    So, the game really is Vulcan terrible.

    • TechnicalBen says:

      A skin for FTL? Would have been win win in my books…

      • Phantoon says:

        FTL is like a dumbed-down Starfleet Command, which is basically Starfleet Battles, but a PC game.

        Not that it being that is bad, Starfleet Command was really good.

    • frosty2oo2 says:

      its clearly not one to beam up

  13. Premium User Badge Colonel J says:

    Combat is like a throwback to the 1960s itself.

    But is it as good as this bit of classic Shatner?

  14. jon_hill987 says:

    Well it was never going to be as good as Elite Force, but that sounds bloody awful.

  15. Sardukar says:

    “and since I don’t know anyone I hate enough to play this with me if I could get it working,”

    C’mon, Walker. You champion gender-sanity in videogames and consumer rights, also in video games. Not to mention responsible business.

    You may not hate anyone that much, but I can guarantee you that the reverse isn’t true! You should call for volunteers! “Is there anyone out there that hates me enough to play this game with me! I can guarantee my suffering! We’ll videotape it, sell subscriptions and donate the proceeds to charity!”

    Ooh! Or a Kickstarter! “Make John Walker play STTVG with his biggest “fan”! All results to a charity you vote on!”

  16. Lagwolf says:

    Only good thing about this game… it allowed both RPS & Angry Joe to do what they do best… fry a crap game.

    • Edlennion says:

      My thoughts exactly. Both had me laughing out loud

    • The Random One says:

      I don’t think frying a bad game is what RPS does best, but it’s certainly on the top five.

      With all that thoughtful analysis thing I’d forgotten how great they were at it.

  17. Wolfox says:

    “I’m shaking my head as I write, remembering how often my character’s defence against a barrage of fire was a forward roll.”

    That sounds like Kirk alright.

  18. craigdolphin says:

    Sooooo… not a GOTY contender then?

    Interest exterminated accordingly. Thx for taking one for the team. :)

  19. stahlwerk says:

    They did get the lens flare right, judging by that last screen shot

    </2009>

  20. Premium User Badge VelvetFistIronGlove says:

    Well, I can’t speak for the quality of the game, but a couple of your screenshots there are very nice, John. Number 2 and number 6 could have come straight off the covers of a couple of pulp science fiction magazines!

    • MacTheGeek says:

      I was disappointed that the screenshots weren’t accompanied by alt-texts. Have to knock the review down to a 9.96.

  21. fluffy says:

    Digital Extremes sent off a warning light for me. Have they made anything good ever? I’m not talking about co-ventures here like Unreal or the various ports. Not surprised this game turned out to be bad.

    • Pintlemount says:

      Warframe makes games like Star Trek even MORE mystifying by being actually rather good.

      • RutigerP says:

        Warframe is the only game they’ve done completely in-house, so perhaps that’s why its not so awful

    • malkav11 says:

      The Darkness II. Not convinced it quite holds up in the face of Starbreeze’s start to the franchise, but both the singleplayer and coop campaign are quite well done.

  22. Hmm-Hmm. says:

    At least the advert with Shatner was good. So that’s something.

  23. bakaohki says:

    I took the liberty of adding another blue parrot to the image:
    http://24.media.tumblr.com/928470cced0dcd83dfdbe5be47217bc6/tumblr_mltxyrjIOu1s0wqpqo1_1280.jpg

    • LintMan says:

      That is awesome. I looked at it and thought “Why did they even have one blue parrot in the picture? Wait – that one’s kinda funny looking”.

    • Skabooga says:

      Thank you, my good chum. You’ve given me a hearty laugh at the end of a long day.

    • SpiceTheCat says:

      Brilliant. I also thought ‘wait – I don’t remember a *first* parrot’ and had to look twice.

  24. Kpatrpa says:

    Main problem was the stupid amount of bugs present at release.

    Namely:
    1)If you pick up a power cell the only way to seemingly put it back down in the PC mode is to pick up a weapon, where he puts down both to swap out, while holding it you can’t press E at anything that requires it to drop the cell, and there is no button advised for dropping it, trying most of the standard buttons did not work.
    2)There are a few areas where this can send you back 2-3 rooms, on hard mode can be quite annoying.
    3)AI is quite glitchy as is in most games these days, annoying, but again for some reason the standard in these AAA games
    4)When entering an elevator you have to be where Kirk would stand to hold E for the others to board
    5)T’Mar would never board smoothly, she’d stop and then run into the elevator.
    6)When Spock has to pick you up to take you to the med bay depending on the distance the red indicator does not show and you cannot use your tricorder leading you to for the most part guess while walking very slow, extending this level greatly.
    7)When killing many enemies they will turn invisible after leading you to guess where they died in order to scan them in tricorder mode
    8)A lot of mobs such as when gathering the medical data don’t turn their heads to indicate they can see you, however their FoV changes, you can notice this on the mobs that warp back and forth on that mission, stand off to the side, he will look forward the entire time, but only notice you if you stand off to the side once he is leaving.

    That said I fucking loved the game from what I’ve played so far, these bugs were very very annoying, but I only powered through because it’s a Star Trek game and the graphics are done so well, but there is a lot of shit programming wise that had no reason to be in here when games have solved these problems for years.

    • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Yeah? Well… That’s like… Your opinion, man.

      • Premium User Badge Matt_W says:

        God I love that movie. This is one of those lines that I hear inside my head 2-3 times a day, but if I say out loud, people look at me funny. (Another is “Good night, sleep well, I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.” My wife loves that one.)

    • Bhazor says:

      When the only reason you’re playing a game is because it’s attached to franchise X you can actually hear a PR company chairman* orgasm.

      *I know thats a contested term and I can only apologise for implying that PR executives actually have genitals at all or that they are capable of human emotions such as joy or shame.

    • John Walker says:

      It *finally* tells you, about three-quarters through the game, that pressing X will drop a cannister you’re holding.

    • Premium User Badge Gap Gen says:

      Oh also if you press return at any time it gives you points.

      IT IS YOUR ENTER PRIZE YES OK.

    • P.Funk says:

      You are EVERYTHING that is wrong with gaming. After everything you wrote, to exclaim how much you’re enjoying this dawn to dusk ego shattering SIEGE just because its Trek…. and whats WORSE!!!!… is its not even bloody trek. Its not even a decent representation of the reboot of Trek. Its not trek except for 3 bad lines and a bunch of level designs.

      I mean, why don’t you just go play a generic black and white shooter with no textures and cubic features and just listen to the soundtrack to LOTR or Bladerunner or some other film and just pretend its awesome because you have the soundtrack. Why don’t we just get modders to mod a Kirk and Spock into the latest crap Kane and Lynch so you can relive this awesome game again?

      You would buy goat shit from Carmen Electra if she winked at you. You embolden EA to fuck up every quarter.

      Why do you have to be so important! Why are you the consumer? Why must I continue to live out on the furthest reaches of the internet, subsisting on minor niche mods of games you’ve never heard of because JJ Abrams isn’t making the new one?

      Ugh… I need a smoke.

  25. JP says:

    “STTVG lays its cards on the table pretty much immediately. Right at the start of the game Spock and Kirk make their way to the bridge…”

    I somehow parsed the latter part of this sentence as “Right at the start of the game Spock and Kirk make out…” Hmm, that’s definitely laying some sort of cards on the table.

  26. solymer89 says:

    Another flashy game with little to no substance. These games are insults to our intelligence. Besides I’m still enjoying STO. The rest I have to say is, stay the @%() away from TNG.

    • Premium User Badge Lord Custard Smingleigh says:

      Nu-Picard punches Data in the mouth to shut him up, then he makes a booty call on Dr. Crusher in her office, then he swings by the Enterprise’s nightclub, Ten Forward, to high-five Riker, who has Troi sitting on his lap.

      Oh I’m so going to develop this idea a little further when I get a moment.

      • DiamondDog says:

        Of course, you wouldn’t see a single bit of what you described because the screen would be choked with lens flare.

      • MacTheGeek says:

        Meanwhile, down in the hot, sweaty lower decks, eager young apprentice Wesley is having the hard lessons of life and technology pounded into him by swarthy taskmaster Geordi EnGorged, the ship’s chief engineer and IAMBLA chapter president…

        • Premium User Badge DrScuttles says:

          Unable to process Nu-Picard clocking him one in the face, Mister Nu-Data begins to develop a new subroutine based on Riker’s legendary sexual conquests (I’m sure there’s a whole episode to be made out of the Bridge crew trying to decrypt the coded holiday videos Riker brought back from a recent trip to Risa without his knowing). Unfortunately this conflicts with his modesty programming and he ends up walking around the Enterprise nude and in a state of being… fully functional.
          Thankfully the lens flare protects the viewing children’s eyes.

          • Bhazor says:

            Suddenly there’s a hailing message. Picard sweeps the young interns off his lap and slams his copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare onto his Chipendale desk. With a beastial french roar he signals to open the message @BrgQUBE Resistanz is futile. Prepare to be boarded. lol
            Then the borg beam in and it’s revealed that they all look exactly like Seven of Nine except they wear leather catsuits so tight you can actually see their stomachs digesting individual peas. Then they start attacking the crew members of the ship in fast-slow-fast style with lots of unnecessary cart wheels.

            Except instead of attacking the crew they attack each other. Except instead of attacking each other they just sort of push each other about a bit on the bridge. Except the bridge is actually a ball pit.

  27. DiamondDog says:

    After watching the Giant Bomb video it seems like this game is as dull and stupid as the film reboot.

    Special mention goes to the female Vulcan Captain who was made to wear high-heel magnetic boots because fuck it why not.

  28. Eddy9000 says:

    Gorn?

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T70-HTlKRXo

    Also, nice to see EGA-Trek has retained it’s crown as best star-trek game ever.

  29. Strangerator says:

    I’m totally shocked that this game is horrible.

    For this game to have been good, someone would have had to alter the laws of probability using that gambling-cheating device from Deep Space Nine.

  30. chackosan says:

    More kindling for the fire:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZB7r9m9vYNA

    Though the stuff the guy talks about probably warrants an article on its own, if he’s on the level.

  31. Drake Sigar says:

    I was almost optimistic about this. I mean, it looked good. Here was a chance for a movie-tie in to finally shine… they blew it. They were never trying at all.

  32. Rian Snuff says:

    I’m so depressed now..

  33. dsch says:

    You don’t mean ‘wreak’. You mean ‘reek’.

  34. AlienMind says:

    Paramount, get your act straight. The “new generation” isn’t as stupid as you believe!!!111

  35. Dominic White says:

    On a slightly happier note, the Trek brand isn’t completely dead – Star Trek Online is effectively relaunching next month, and has improved a huge amount. Better still, it’s the original Trek universe, continuing after the split-point that made the new movies.

  36. ttcfcl says:

    Watching people play this game just makes me want to play Star Trek: Online again. That was a fun game with entertaining shooting.

    • Premium User Badge Harlander says:

      Well, the spaceship-biff was good anyway

      • Dominic White says:

        The ground combat has been reworked into a kind of Mass Effect Lite dealie, but yeah, it’s definitely not the focus/strength of STO.

        It’s a lot better than what it used to be, at least. Having an entire away team armed with TOS phasers (which even have the correct ‘dramatic pose then disintegrate’ kill animation) is good times.

  37. Kohlrabi says:

    The ironic thing is, taking the 2009 movie into account, this game is likely still better than the writing in the upcoming movie.

  38. geldonyetich says:

    “Star Trek: The Videogame, as it’s so enigmatically titled, is a steaming turd dropped from the ugliest bumhole in the world. It is a quite exceptionally terrible game, from its numbingly dreary repetition, useless broken AI, archaic combat, clumsy construction, and utter nothingness story.”

    So, staying the usual course with a Movie Tie-In game, then?

  39. Barchester says:

    Not a surprise, but still quite disappointing. This had some semblance of promise when they announced it.

  40. yuri999 says:

    “I’ve no idea how different it is if you’re Kirk, because playing it a second time is lower on my to-do list that drilling into my eye sockets and sliding down a razor-blade strewn banister. ”

    As a reviewer, shouldn’t you also have played as Kirk so that you could give the complete picture of whether there were any differences in the playstyles or not?

  41. Calabi says:

    Some of the methods around this sounds like overt fraud. No review copies, dodgy metacritic reviews, it not working properly. Shame their isnt any laws against that sort or thing.

  42. Koozer says:

    “And most astonishingly of all, when you enter a rip in space, that transports you to the other side of the universe, onto an alien planet that Man has never seen before, THEY HAVE THE SAME MACHINES TO HACK TO OPEN THEIR DOORS AND SWITCH OFF THEIR CAMERAS.”

    To be fair, this happens all the time in the series too.

  43. -Spooky- says:

    Star Trek Angry Rant – Broken Co-op & Glitches // *muhaha*

    http://angryjoeshow.com/2013/04/star-trek-the-game-angry-rant/

  44. -Spooky- says:

    Star Trek Angry Rant – Broken Co-op & Glitches // *muhaha*

    http://angryjoeshow.com/2013/04/star-trek-the-game-angry-rant/

  45. Demievil says:

    I bought this game under a false premise under the PC listing on Game.co.uk it stated;

    In this unique co-op adventure, you can play locally or online with a friend in private co-op mode

    There is no local co-op to be found within the PC version of the game that I can see, only online co-op

    • Dominic White says:

      One of dozens of major releases with that major feature stripped out of the PC version.

      To this day, nobody in the gaming press has complained, or even asked a studio why they’d do something like that. Nobody.

      • Demievil says:

        It just reeks of bad trade description. I certainly will not be purchasing a second copy.

        • diamondmx says:

          Why not argue with them over a refund – this is the sort of thing refunds were invented for.

          Yes, I know they’re going to claim that store policy, blah, blah. But store policies like that are bullshit, and it’s time people started calling them on it.

          If you bought a physical good that simply didn’t work as advertised, or even a console game – you’d be able to refund it. But because of “wah pirates might get it for free”, you can’t return a PC game. Even though it’s an argument that was dumb before the Pirate Bay and is much dumber now.

          Why do we let them get away with this crap?

  46. Erithtotl says:

    Does this surprise anyone? A licensed title with a release date coinciding with that license’s movie? Of course its garbage!

  47. SuicideKing says:

    7/10?

  48. Spoon Of Doom says:

    Dang. Judging from the couple of screenshots I saw here and there, I was hoping this would at least be a competent shooter with good Star Trek atmosphere. Seriously, in these days where FPS and TPS games are basically mass produced with only theme, a couple of textures and sounds being exchanged for each game, how hard could it have been to make a bog standard shooter that’s at least not completely broken and terrible? Nobody was expecting this to be far above average, but at least a simple, run-of-the-mill shooter with Trekkie painting could at least have been made. That’s all it would have taken to reach a massively larger audience and not lose quite as much goodwill.

  49. Guvornator says:

    Just a thought, RPS bods. Are you going to submit this to Metacritic? I know you don’t generally, which I can understand (I’m guessing it’s to do with the score metacritic assigns to the review). I just ask as it only needs 4 reviews to get an overall rating, as since that rating would be one which sucked, it might encourage developers to be a bit open about crappy games. Yes, I know, I’m a hopeless optimist…

    • norfolk says:

      From what I understand, they never submit reviews, as Metacritic depends on a numerical rating (stupidly), and RPS doesn’t give those.

  50. Guvornator says:

    Is William Shat-ner in it?