If Wheatley Had Won: Portal 2 VGA Vid

Well done, Wheatley, you mad idiot.

Earlier this month, Valve made a video of Wheatley talking about his nomination in the ‘Best Character’ category of the VGAs. The Joker actually took the award, which seemed disappointing at first, since he’s a decades old character who even in this incarnation is appearing in a sequel, while Wheatley is quite the original. Then I noticed that the other two entrants were Nathan Drake and Marcus Fenix, appearing in the third games of their respective trilogies. The awards mean diddly squat, but I was a little disappointed about Wheatley missing out because it meant we all missed out an an acceptance speech. No more! Here’s what he would have said.

Rather delightful, I must say. We should probably senselessly pick it apart for clues, eh? The most obvious thing is “maybe next year” at the end, but I refuse to believe Wheatley will be featuring in another game next year, unless he starts making odd little cameos. Chances are it’s just supposed to be funny. And the serious scrutiny that the internet will inevitably apply to it probably makes it all the funnier to the teases wot made it.

But if you do manage to decode the content in such a way that it clearly signifies the coming of Left 4 Dead 3, do let me know.


  1. Deadly Habit says:

    Episode 3!

    • staberas says:

      NO NO NO

    • Timberfox says:

      Half-Life 2: Episode Two: Episode one?

    • Navagon says:

      @ Deadly Habit

      … Will never happen!

      But maybe HL3 though, who knows?

    • Xaromir says:

      Gabe once said that we will have HL3 before we get HL2EP3, i don’t know how this is supposed to make sense, but hey, if he stuck with that…

  2. DocSeuss says:

    This is just me, but… Wheatley’s originality should be irrelevant to whether he’s any good as a character.

    Then again, Nathan Drake was on the list, so it’s irrelevant to begin with, unless “generic character with Whedonesque snark” is part of what makes a good character.

    • Just Endless says:

      I legitimately find that unfair to Joss Whedon.

      After playing through two uncharted games, I cannot think of a video game character I like less than Drake.

  3. mondomau says:

    Really? It’s the VGAs, the worst joke in the industry. I’m surprised Valve bothered making that video; the genuinely deserving candidates rarely get a nomination, let alone win.

    • Phantoon says:

      You’re surprised Valve did a whole bunch of work for something throw away?

  4. Odiee says:

    Meh. Didn’t play new Batman games but for Joker to win over Wheatley is idiotic.
    Let’s compare character description for the 2:
    Joker: psyco.
    Wheatley: Idiotic narcissistic AI designed by the greatest minds of out age with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.”

    Oh and.
    Nathan Drake: witty adventurer.
    Marcus Fenix: gritty soldier.

    Joker is a decades old character who’s personality was forged by many authors and writers. But Whitley is original and most of all fresh addition to the otherwise bleak game-characters culture.

    • Icarus says:

      I respectfully disagree with that- Mark Hamill’s turn as the Joker in Arkham City was nothing short of glorious. A perfect mix of glee, menace and *gets hit on the head with the spoiler bat*

    • Apples says:

      Mark Hamill might have done good voice acting, but that doesn’t make the Joker a good character. It also seems ludicrous to give the VGA award to a character that is not, really, a video game character at all.

    • Xercies says:

      Wheatly isn’t that original to be honest, he’s Stephen Merchent, doing his Stephen Merchant schitct. He has no real character of his own in the game to be honest I found.

    • Agnol117 says:

      See, the problem with your descriptions is that you basically sum Wheatley up in the first three words. Everything after that is just fluff. Wheatley can be reduced rather minimally, same as the other characters you’re so intent on attacking.

  5. RakeShark says:

    We can of course imagine Batman’s acceptance speech for such an award.

    “I’m Batman.”

  6. Wulf says:

    Calling Nathan Drake a ‘character’ is a criminal offense, and a spit in the face to all decent writers everywhere. So that’s those VGA things confirmed as a joke, then. I mean, to have the Joker win is bad enough, but to even consider Nathan Drake… so much cringing.

    I mean, sure, the game may be fine if you can get past how unintelligent the whole affair feels, and how the games seem to portray every ethnicity bar caucasian in a negative light. If you can get past that then the game might be fine, sure. But to call Nathan Drake a character? HERESY.

    Nathan Drake is a faceless enabler of mindless violence and action. That’s it.

    Any series of awards that features him as a character loses any credibility from the outset. Why did you even bother, Valve?

    Also, the Joker is far, far from Batman’s most interesting villain. And thanks to the umpteen years of contradictory stuff about his past story and personality, he’s even got a massive identity crisis. I suppose this was part of the necessity for a reboot.

    Joker’s boring. Vastly overrted and not at all interesting. He’s a ‘genius’ for ‘just because’ reasons, and he has a twisted sense of humour. Whoop de doo.

    Hell, I like the Riddler more than I ever did the Joker.

    There. I’ve said that too. I feel better.

  7. c-Row says:

    But if you do manage to decode the content in such a way that it clearly signifies the coming of Left 4 Dead 3, do let me know.

    Well, it doesn’t say otherwise, so it must be true!

  8. Apples says:

    I went on wikipedia to see what other games/people had won things. I was baffled to see that two categories were named “Best Performance by a Human Male/Female” – was that distinction really necessary? To make sure the award isn’t given to a dog or a cabbage or something? Discrimination! Speciesism!

    Also the Joker is not really a good character. He does evil things for no real reason because ‘he’s insane’. Boring. If he’s a good character you might as well say SR2’s Boss is a good character.

  9. DickSocrates says:

    Every time Portal 2 doesn’t win something, I get happier.

    • Senethro says:

      Is there an actual reason or is this just a hipster-esque backlash against popular things? Like, did you think it was too easy? Developed for a different audience? That the middle third could have been cut?

      Or do you just want the comments thread to know how underground you are?

    • brulleks says:

      I expect it’s just the anti-depressants kicking in.

    • Durkonkell says:

      Every time you don’t win something, I get Portal 2.

      (Makes as much sense as what you said)

    • youthful cynic says:

      You sound more like dickPlato, but definitely a dick.

    • skinlo says:

      Wow, you are soo cool.

  10. Ninja Foodstuff says:

    Who the hell is Nathan Drake?

    Also Wheatley did win the category at the Gamespot awards, so…

    • WMain00 says:

      Character in the video game Uncharted for PS3.

      Personally I kind of like him. He has a sense of humour that reminds me of Nathan Fillion.

    • ShadyGuy says:

      Nathan Drake is the main character in the PS3 exclusive games Uncharted. He’s sort of an Indiana Jones idiot savant. Not really interesting as a character since all he does is shoot people and spout one liners.

    • Ninja Foodstuff says:

      Ah ok, so I would have to buy some antiquated piece of hardware to find out if I agree then.

    • RogB says:

      @WMain00 yeah he’s very much Nathan Fillion in my head. I dont get the hate tbh.

      (other than platform snobbery)

    • Just Endless says:


      Or, y’know, boot up the youtube.

  11. lowprices says:

    Well, so far the comments have established that Portal 2 is shit, Batman and the Joker are shit, Nathan Drake and anyone who likes him is shit, Marcus Fenix is shit and the VGAs are shit.

    Good to see the holiday season hasn’t dampened the RPS readers’ spirits and distracted them from their usual task of bitterly complaining about anything that isn’t The Witcher or Guild Wars.

    • Malawi Frontier Guard says:


    • skalpadda says:

      I think we’re supposed to hate The Witcher and CD Project now as well. Keep up, man!

    • lowprices says:

      Really? Oh man, I though CDP were the good guys because of DRM, and their opposition to it. Are we pro-DRM now? I’m so confused.

      What about Dragon Age 2? Am I still supposed to hate that? And everything Bioware does?

    • LionsPhil says:

      CDP hurt the nice pirates so we have to hate them now for wanting to make money, the big mean capitalists. :c

    • Premium User Badge

      Aquarion says:

      You went though an entire comment without even *mentioning* skyrim? Shame on you.

    • skinlo says:

      I’ll start, I don’t like the Witcher 1 at all, got it last Christmas in a sale, haven’t got past the first chapter, its very clunky to play!

    • lowprices says:

      Ooh, while we’re saying That Which Should Not Be Said, I think Ubisofts ‘always on’ DRM is entirely reasonable.

  12. Chris D says:

    Allow me to assist in decoding this message. I don’t think any of us are buying that this is a simple bit of fluff with no further significance than that. While initially appearing benign Wheatley is revealed to be the adversary in Portal 2, the role of Satan if you will. Therefore this is intended to be understood backwards. so:

    “Don’t even get to hold the award. Maybe next year” – Without pausing for frivolous celebration Valve are at work on another project. Next year indicates a projected 2012 release.

    “After all this time we’re going home.” – A return to an old IP, that fans have been waiting a long time for. A tacit admission they have strayed with other things and are now returning to our roots.

    “No one to thank but me” This rules out Left 4 Dead as that is a cooperative game, without the purity of self reliance.

    “Who to thank?” By this point we all know who Valve should thank for their success. The who refers to a deeper question. We may know his identity, but can we really know a man who never speaks?

    I think we can all agree the significance is obvious.

  13. MistyMike says:

    Jordins the Sword-Maiden should have won.
    “I am sworn to carry the burden of this award”.

  14. Srethron says:

    (SPOILER for the embedded video, I suppose.)
    That little spaaaace core gets me every time. Love it.

    (End Spoiler.)

    Also, Episode Never: Not Soon Enough: Maybe Eventually: I Hope: ARGH @ ARGs & Not Args That Look Like They Could Be ARGs If People Get All Squinty-Eyed. :(

  15. Kamen Rider says:

    ITT upset Portal fans

  16. grundus says:

    Bah to the lot of you, Uncharted was good, Uncharted 2 was good and I don’t know about Uncharted 3 yet because I haven’t got it. Can’t be arsed to explain because it’ll take too long and be uninteresting, but Uncharted would’ve been a whole lot worse without Nathan Drake’s personality. I suppose you either enjoy the quips and slightly nonchalant approach to the multitude of perils you face, or you hate his stupid hair, his stupid face and his stupid jokes. I’m not overly surprised that commenters on a PC gaming site tend to dislike him, after all you are more used to less casual games than Uncharted (which is pretty much brainless shoot and jump at stuff linearity, but I find that ok every now and then), and I don’t think he should’ve won this award, but I’m struggling to think of any other characters in games that came out this year that could be better contenders for the title.

    Adam ‘yeah, rip’ Jensen? Ezio from AC: Revelations? Kenneth Block from Dirt 3? That was this year, right? The guy from Rage? I can’t be arsed to think of more, but there weren’t really any good characters this year, at least none that made me feel any more engaged in the game I was playing.

    • Irony says:

      I can’t be arsed to think of more, but there weren’t really any good characters this year, at least none that made me feel any more engaged in the game I was playing.

      Wouldn’t Rucks from Bastion be the very definition of this?

  17. RandomGameR says:

    “Wheatley is quite the original”

    No, not so much. He was a new character, yes, but he was a done many-times-before schtick character.