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Steam Charts: Blood From A Four-Year-Old Edition

Child Labour

Featured post A representation of Toby's resistance to engaging this morning.

OK, two things on the agenda. Firstly, I’m heading off on my expedition to attempt to break the Curse Of Steam Charts for the next couple of weeks. I’m returning to Ursidae, Caniformia, to find that ancient temple once more and attempt to appease the enraged spirit of Horace. Hopefully we’ll never speak again!

Secondly, Toby’s back! This week’s Steam Charts are brought to you through the filter of a four year old who was really excited about doing this again, but then got into a right grump about it as soon as we started. But his naming skills remain as excellent as ever.

10. Human Fall Flat Castle Coom

This is a game that desperately needs a paintball mode.

Daddy: So what happens in this game?

Toby: You go around [mumbles] naughty-bobs.

Daddy: Feeding? You feed the naughty-bobs?

Toby: No, defeating! Not feeding naughty-bobs!

Daddy: Feeding would have been amazing.

9. Sekiro: Shadows Die Twice Flobbity Bobbity Cat Pants

I mean, if I were four I'd have gone into a whole bit about firework fights.

Here we entered an early sulk. I think the pressure was too much. I’d just told him how people still call GTA V “Flibble Glibble Pants” because of him, and how brilliant that is. I think his brain interpreted this as meaning his words carried too much import, so he didn’t want to say any. But, thank goodness, right before that he produced the best game name ever.

Daddy: What’s this guy’s name?

Toby: His name is Peacocks.

Daddy: That’s a good name! What’s he doing here?

Toby: [grumpily] It looks like he’s firing fire. To maybe defeat a bad guy.

Daddy: Do you not want to do this? You don’t have to do this.

Toby: I don’t know what he’s doing!

Daddy: But you can just make fun things up! Like we make up stories for the people who walk past the coffee shop.

Toby: I just can’t think of anything.

8. Monster Hunter World Number One

Every screenshot of this game is such a blurry mess, no wonder he couldn't be arsed.

So I open up the last time we did this, and I read him all the names he came up with for the games, and he finds them HILARIOUS. And with this he’s much more into it.

Daddy: What do you do in this game?

Toby: You fly around using a leaf, with a bit of coconut.

Daddy: Wow! And how does it work?

Toby: Whoever beats a sponge wins.

Daddy: What’s this guy doing here?

Toby: It’s some kind of monster skellington. I think he’s trying to pick it up.

Daddy: What would you do?

Toby: I would try to make friends with the monsters, but they’d probably carry me away, and eat me for their dinner.

7. UBOAT Pipe Run-up Snake Lunk

Ick.

Toby: I can see a boat. Are there any sea monsters? Are there any bad guys?

Daddy: I think you’re playing as the bad guys.

Toby: It’s boring. I think it looks for grown ups.

Daddy: Would you ever want to play this game?

Toby: No, it’s SO BORING!

Daddy: What do you think about a game where you’re the baddies, trying to hurt the goodies?

Toby: I don’t want to play that game. It’s got an explosion in it. Write “explosion”.

6. Risk Of Rain 2 Clip Clop Razor-Beam Bom

I mean, yes, it's a magma eel.

We watch a video of the game, as Toby has once again clammed up, deciding he can’t think of anything to say about anything.

Toby: Oh my goodness, I like this video.

Daddy: So what do you think you do in this game.

Toby: [super-grumpy again] I don’t know. Fight the baddies?

Daddy: Sweetheart, if you don’t want to do this, that’s just fine. But you need to make your mind up, because I will need to start again with something new.

Toby: I can’t think of anything to say! OH LOOK A SPIDER!

We skip back to watch the spider again.

Daddy: So what is happening?

Toby: People running around shooting magma at each other. I like all the raptors!

Daddy: And what’s this here?

Toby: I think it’s a giant magma eel. It looks really hot.

3. Plunkbat

Daddy: Can you choose a song to put in this article?

Toby: But I don’t want to sing a song!

Daddy: Sweetie, you don’t have to sing! You just have to choose a song for people to listen to.

Toby: FIGHT SONG!

2, 4 & 5. Various Valve Index Bundles

If Toby's specs are correct, I'm an awful lot more interested in this.

Daddy: This is an odd one. It’s not a game. So what do you think you do with this?

Toby: Put it on the roof. It would zap everything in the world, and turn it to chocolate. Even all the cars and people. So we could eat people too!

Daddy: You want to eat people?

Toby: When they’re made of chocolate!

Daddy: So you… killed them?!

Toby: No, that thing did! So now we can eat them!

Daddy: Um, I’m not sure how I feel about eating people.

Toby: That thing can make whatever you like. If you want a house made of vanilla ice cream and strawberry sausage, it can make it! Maybe a brownie!

Daddy: Strawberry sausage?!

Toby: Yes! And maybe if you want to go to Cadbury’s World, it will just appear, and all the people there too, made of chocolate because they ate too much. And strawberry sausage ice cream.

I show him the controllers

Daddy: What are these for?

Toby: That looks like a steering wheel. For driving a space rocket!

Daddy: Wow! Where does it go?

Toby: To Mars and Mercury and all the solar system. And the moon.

Daddy: Is it any good?

Toby: Yes it is.

1. MORDHAU Breathe

Yeah, watching the video for this one was a mistake...

It’s been up and down, but we’re nearly done, and Toby is wriggling to go outside and throw paper aeroplanes.

Daddy: Last one. What is this game called?

Toby: Breathe.

Daddy: And what do you do in it?

Toby: You breathe.

Daddy: What else?

Toby: You push carts, and you go to sleep.

Daddy: OK. So what’s this guy’s name?

Toby: His name is Sword, because he’s got a sword.

Daddy: What does Sword do for a job.

Toby: He fights bad guys.

Daddy: Why does he fight bad guys?

Toby: To save the city.

Daddy: Is that good or bad?

Toby: Bad. Cos they’re fighting. We don’t like fighting! Because they could get hurt or nearly killed!

Daddy: What should they do instead.

Toby: They should be nice to each other. They should make friends!

The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.

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John Walker

Prisoner

One of the original co-founders of Rock, Paper, Shotgun, I tried to leave, but they won't let me. If anyone reads this, please send help.

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