WARNING: If you’re reading this, there is a very strong chance you’re looking at news on your favourite game. Please, it’s imperative you click on to discover crucial information.
I went to the aquarium yesterday, and you know what that means? Yes! FISH FACTS!
Listen: Electric eels can’t breathe underwater. I know. I should have told you to sit down first or something.
The secret is, electric eels aren’t eels at all. I KNOW. You cannot trust anything. According to this site, they’re more closely related to a carp! Although a flipping carp doesn’t secretly hide a lung inside its mouth.
They can only stay underwater in their murky settings for ten or fifteen minutes, then having to surface to breathe air like some sort of giraffe or hummingbird. This is frankly outrageous. But it gets better.
Elsewhere you might expect someone discussing electric eels to start blathering on about the three separate organs they use to generate electricity, the variation of the pulses they deliver, or the recent discovery that they leap out of the water to better apply shocks to opponents. But that’s not why we’re here. We’re here because almost nowhere on the internet bothers to mention that electric eels poo out their chins.
Their whole body is so dedicated to making electricity that it’s essentially crammed all its other organs head-end, which includes its bottom-end. Which is why you shouldn’t get into a passionate kiss with an electric eel. Unless you’re into that sort of thing. I’m not here to judge.
Flatworms aren’t fish, but shut up, because if electric eels aren’t eels, then all bets are off. And more importantly, they fight with their penises.
Hermaphroditic aquatic flatworms mate by penis fencing. And oh my good sweet Lord, “penis fencing” is not a silly term I just made up. There’s a Wikipedia entry for penis fencing.
And it’s even better than it sounds. Because a penis fence is all about flatworms fighting over which one of them has to be the girl and get preggo. The loser gets sperm squirted all over it, which then soaks in through their skin and any wounds they might have received.
You’re thinking that’s as good as a nature fact can get, right? Wrong. Because sometimes flatworms engage in a sort of battle royale version of the above, where all winners continue to compete until eventually they’re impregnated too. Presumably the last remaining flatworm is then a dick about it on Discord.
Beautiful white sandy beaches are fish poo.
I mean, that’s a mic drop right there. But you might want details. I did, admittedly, allude to this last year when writing these most informative of chart breakdowns, but focused more on the splendid fact that queen parrotfish secrete a mucus sac over themselves when sleeping. But today let’s focus on the green humphead parrotfish.
They love to chow down on polyps that grows on coral, but due to their utterly freaky-hideous teeth-face beak things, they do this by biting off chunks of the coral itself. And they grind this down, and poo it out as beautiful white sand. 250 KG of it a year, EACH. They literally plop out beaches.
So the next time your rich friend boasts about the extraordinary white beaches they stayed on in a luxurious lagoon, please make sure to inform them they were lying on fish shit.
Goldfish, my friends, have teeth. They have teeth in their throats.
They’re not the only fish to sport pharyngeal teeth, but they’re the least likely suspects, I’d say. Looking all innocent in their glass bowls, pretending like they aren’t remembering every tiny detail about you, and most of all, doing all they can to give the impression that there are absolutely, definitely, no teeth inside their throats.
5. Rage 2
The psychedelic frogfish already has a name good enough that it could just lie there and burp and it’d deserve our respect. But lie there and burp it does not. Instead it shapes itself into a ball, leaps upward, and then burps itself along like a bloody jetpack.
Frogfish mostly aren’t great swimmers, preferring to ‘walk’ along the sea bed on their adapted dorsal fins. But the psychedelic frogfish will also push off the bottom with said fins, at the same time firing water out of its gills for forward momentum. It’s an underwater bouncy ball, and you aren’t, and you need to mull on that for a while.
Blackspot angelfish play fast and loose with fish misogyny. Each male hangs out with a group of four females, like a big fish prick. The male is blue, the females yellow. Gosh, this is SO archaic, fish. His harem swims around with him, for protection, presumably shrieking at mice and constantly commenting on how good he looks in his new hat. But it gets interesting when the male dies. Instead of all hitching up their fish petticoats and getting eaten by the first predator they come across, the largest of the females steps up and puts on the blue trousers. She turns male.
First she starts growing bigger, then after a week she starts turning from yellow to blue. Two more weeks go by and she’ll have developed the black go-faster stripes, and by this point she is a he. Which, frankly, only further re-enforces the fish patriarchy. Honestly, fish.
2. Flibble Glibble Pants
What’s Another Thing You Could Buy Instead Of GTA V Again?
Jellyfish aren’t fish, you idiot. And they’re not made of jelly. The name is horribly misleading, and ruined my neon tetra’s birthday party.
I mean, they’re not exactly pretending to be fish. They don’t have hearts, brains, bones or even heads. They’re just worryingly capable blobs.
Yet some of them have eyes. AAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH. Eyes and no brain?! STOP IT JELLYFISH.
A box jellyfish sodding well has 24 eyes, two of which see in colour, and all of which allow it a 360 degree perspective of its environment. And yet not the wits to appreciate the beauty around it.
And as a final thought, let’s all be glad I didn’t write about this.
The Steam Charts are compiled via Steam’s internal charts of the highest grossing games on Steam over the previous week.