AC III: Tyranny Of King Washing Machine Out Now

I think that was my country's first President's name. Something like that. Honestly, I'm fuzzy on the details, because history was never my strong suit, and I secretly pledge my allegiance to the vengeful, cursed spirit of Mummy King Ramses II. But yes, Assassin's Creed III: The Tyranny of King Washingface episode one has officially ridden a star-spangled, single-tear-propelled eagle onto Steam, Uplay, and the like. You may tomahawk your way to its historically inaccurate heart as you please. But first, you must watch a trailer. Otherwise, you won't get a proper preview of Connor's fancy new clothes. They're quite spiffy. I bet he even gave them a thorough rinse in one of those - argh, what do you call 'em? - oh, right: Washingtons.

The whole story's not only an alternate reality in the context of, er, real life, but also seemingly in Assassin's Creed canon. Here's the gist:

"In the first episode of The Tyranny of King Washington, the American Revolution is over but the true battle is just beginning. In The Infamy, George Washington, blinded by a thirst for unlimited power, has declared himself king. Connor awakes in this reality as Ratonhnhaké:ton – never having joined the Assassin order – and accepts a new mission to take Washington down. Acquire all-new skills to fend off this new threat to freedom. Live history as it never happened, and ignite a new revolution!"

Which is actually a really fun setup, I think, but the trailer makes it all look so implausibly over-the-top. Yes, I'm aware I just said that about Assassin's Creed - a series that concerns itself with genetic memories, doomsday prophecies, and Adam and Eve inventing parkour - but this seems like it actually could've been really compelling if Washington was a bit less comically evil.

Then again, maybe Ubisoft's only playing up his mania for promotion's sake. Perhaps, in actuality, his wooden dentures are acting up, and he's just feeling a little grumpy. So naturally, he sicks his scummiest soldiers on a couple innocent townships - like you do. Or not. Given that this one apparently focuses on not-Connor's spirit powers to a large degree, I'm betting things will get pretty ridiculous in a hurry. Here's hoping that's a good thing. Or, at the very least, a better-than-Assassin's-Creed-III thing.

The DLC's available now for $9.99. The next episode, "The Betrayal", is out next month, followed by "The Redemption" in April.