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Playerunknown's Battlegrounds story rewritten in disgraceful retcon

The most outrageous retcon in the history of fiction

The world's finest stag & hen weekend banter simulator, Playerunknown's Battlegrounds, has revealed its supposed 'true' story with an outrageous retcon in a new trailer. No, we're supposed to believe, the game isn't about lads and lasses going too hard and getting carried away with pranks. Now it's some wank about a kid surviving a massacre then hosting megamurders so other people can discover who they really are by doing murders like a bad horror film about neo-Paleo dickheads. Awful.

I am now deeply concerned about the "original narrative experience" they're making.

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I don't like the implication that the fictional Playerunknown overseeing all this is a snuff movie voyeur, when I know he's most commonly found at a toga party holding a Curaçao-blue cocktail bristling with straws, miniature umbrellas, and pineapple slices in each hand.

I've never felt more disrespected as a fan. I've enjoyed hundreds of hours playing a game about unruly stag & hen weekends, hundreds of hours of foolishness, pranks, banter, and singing Chelsea Dagger. Now PUBG Corp are going to turn around and tell me actually I was finding my identity as a murderer? Mate I was finding my identity as a laddad, leading sing-songs, making sure the other lads have drunk their Hot Bull, tending to wounds, checking we've got enough petrol, and ensuring banter doesn't get too out of hand. Now you're saying I'm not a laddad, I'm the sort of dickhead who writes lengthy Reddit posts about how civilisation is a trick, and it's kill-or-be-killed, and if you're not ready to do murders you're just sheeple? That's outrageous.

This disgraceful shift in narrative direction comes as PUBG Corp prepare for the start of Season 4, the game's next series of update and events. Much of that, I am actually up for.

Season 4 will kick off on July 24th with Update 4.1, which is now live on the test servers. It focuses on reworking the island of Erangel, the patch notes explain. Expect changes including overhauls of some key towns and compounds, livelier terrain, and a sprinkling of artillery emplacements, pillboxes, trenches, and Czech hedgehogs to reflect the gritty new backstory. As a fan of in-game sculpture, I must say I am well into the new piece welcoming us to the Military Base:

That's lovely, that.

The patch notes also detail weapon balance changes, being able to walk while using healing items, Blue Zone speed changes, and more.

It's not all grit and war, mind. The update also adds a car radio, playing one random song each time we turn it on. Sadly, we cannot feed it our own music. But the game does rightly recognise that only the driver has the authority to change the music and control the volume. Turntables around the island can play tunes too.

Maybe it'll be fine. Maybe PUBG Corp won't do much to force that gritty garbage into the game. They probably can't. Even if they say the game is now some 'law of the jungle' pish, I'll still be shouting "Chug! Chug! Chug!" while the lads slam a bag of cans.

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