Today DRM middleware provider, SecureTrap, have reported the absolute success of their latest game security tool, Locked Box. CEO Brian Roughly told press, "Our clients are delighted to tell us that even a month after release there has been a zero percent piracy rate. We believe Locked Box is the ultimate answer for preventing the unauthorised duplication of intellectual property, ensuring that both publisher and client are completely secure in the knowledge that no one will be playing their games."
Anti-DRM campaigners have complained that the tool is too draconian, preventing legitimate customers from receiving the full experience of the game. Alistair Can't, of the pressure group DRMless Sleep, fired back at the announcement arguing that the basic rights of gamers are being abused. "Locked Box is the most draconian DRM we've seen so far. And what happens after publishers go out of business? Who has the key?"
Development team Redcake Games, buoyed with the success of their recent surprise hit Entry Level, are hard at work on Entry Level 2. Extra publisher funding has meant the team is able to concentrate on aspects of the first game they thought were lacking, including a revamped graphic engine, and a mediocre original soundtrack. "We're so delighted with what we've produced," explained project lead Danny Caravan, incorrectly believing the resulting music is of a standard deserving an independent release. "Our audio team have been working with local composers, creating a soundtrack that will enthral gamers."
Journalists were recently given a studio tour, where a disproportionate amount of time was spend in the recording studios, in the mistaken belief that this aspect would be written about in previews. Looking at the ceiling, their notebooks hanging at their sides, members of the press listened to a portion of the soundtrack in stereo, and then again in 5.1, to highlight differences that no one cared about. "The soundtrack will be made available with the special edition of Entry Level 2: Second Floor," said a confusingly enthused Caravan, who had spent altogether too much time on this aspect of the project. "Or it can be purchased directly from our company's website." No one will.
With last week's release of Two-Seven-Offsuit Poker, the final remaing poker term was taken for naming related games. A terrified casual gaming industry has been petitioning the International Poker Foundation to step in for the last six months, and it seems finally some action is being taken. The IPF is introducing a number of new official terms, and a whole new hand for all poker variations.
The new hand, "A Lady's Treat", requires alternate even cards in only two suits. For instance, 4 spades, 6 diamonds, 8 diamonds, 10 spades. It will beat three of a kind, and below, but be outdone by a straight and higher. However, "A Lady's Special Treat" - any version of the hand featuring a Queen hearts - will beat a flush.
Not all of the new poker terms have been revealed, but we've had the following confirmed by the IPF:
Lazy Flap: Flashing a burn card that's only seen by fewer than half the people in the hand.
Uncomfortable Saddle: Being on fewer than ten big blinds.
A Glum Pincher: Being beaten by a rag hand that was accidentally raised by a distracted player.
Canary's Triumph: Six, seven clubs.
Fat Man's Stride: Two Lady's Treats of equal value, splitting the pot.