Over New Year, the English seaside town of Scarborough received a rare Arctic visitor: a walrus, dubbed Thor, who rested in the harbour for several days. A feel-good novelty story in the news! What many news outlets politely neglected to mention is that, to the delight and horror of the gathered crowds, Thor had a big ol' wank in front of everyone. Thankfully, one chronicler of modern English culture is brave enough to capture this moment. Yes, absolutely a walrus cracking one off is now in Duke Smoochem, that astonishing upcoming Duke Nukem 3D level made by Dan Douglas.
Thor hauled out onto a slipway in Scarborough habour late on Friday the 30th of December, as the British Divers Marine Life Rescue report (with extra info and nice photos in this Twitter thread from one member). He hung around and rested until Tuesday the 3rd of January, seemingly oblivious to the huge crowds who gathered to see him (from a distance, behind a police cordon). Scarborough council even cancelled the New Year fireworks display to avoid startling him. Well, he certainly startled spectators with his own celebration of himself.
If you really want to see, you can hit Reddit for a video. I like how the crowd respond to this "natural male behaviour" (as the BDMLR carefully phrase it) in a classic English way: a combination of bawdy laughter and pretending not to understand what's happening.
And when it's finally finished and out, you'll be able to revisit an echo of this moment on a sewage-smothered beach in Duke Smoochem 3D:
Thor the masturbating walrus, in Duke Nukem 3D pic.twitter.com/xKSSp15cgP— Dan Douglas (@dandouglas) January 4, 2023
I've called Duke Smoochem "the greatest chronicle of English culture" and I genuinely believe that. Working at breakneck pace, Dan Douglas has captured the absurd, loathsome, funny, tragic, despicable, and sometimes sweet moments that make the strange and terrible quilt of English society. Making the level has helped Douglas with his mental health too.
"Developing Duke Smoochem 3D showed me that I was still capable of learning, of problem solving, of thinking creatively," he recently told us. "I'm pleased to say that I managed to get back to work earlier this year after two years, and following a phased return I'm now back up to full shifts."
He's still working on the level, but an end is potentially in sight. The level started out recreating the office of then-health secretary Matt Hancock, who was caught on CCTV breaking covid restrictions while committing adultery. And following Hancock's appearance on reality TV show I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! (where members of the public voted consistently for the disgraced MP to consume offal, rummage in offal, be showered in offal, and generally have an 'offal' time), he might help Douglas reach an ending.
"With Matt Hancock entering the jungle for I'm A Celebrity, I think perhaps I've finally found a nice conclusion for the mod's narrative," Douglas told us. "I'm fairly confident I've set a limit on how many locations I'm going to include, as the sprawl was becoming ridiculous."
Well, with locations fixed at least, there's certainly still time to squeeze in sealife squeezing one off. Do read the rest of that interview by Dan Lipscombe (no relation), it's quite good.