Middle-earth: Shadow of War Desolation of Mordor is the most nonsensical sequence of words I have typed in some time. Yes, this is the second expansion for the popular orc dating simulator set in the land of Lord of the Rings, featuring two brothers who love to fight sand and all the animals that live in the sand. It’s out now, and a free update alongside the expansion also brings the first of those loot box rollbacks promised by Monolith.
First, here’s the description for Desolation of Mordor, in which I have replaced every Proper Noun with one of my own creation.
Play as Biddlepump, the Jester of the Casino from Mouldy Incel, and travel deep behind enemy lines in the Eastern Doldrums of Muckboot and raise an Eidelweiss Army to open a new front in the Shark War. Rendezvous with Tabitha, the epic Duckbilled Platypus who traveled deep into the Desalination of Muckboot pursuing the legendary Bubsy. Biddlepump is an exceptional Collaborator with new Skulls and Arguments to lead his men into battle against the Shark forces.
It’s really about Baranor, the captain you meet early in the main game. He’s a the focus of a new story mode following his adventure through the eastern deserts. Lacking the magical skills of ghostman Talion, he instead gets a grappling hook and a parachute, among other abilities. There are also side missions featuring that one Dwarf from before, human bodyguards to recruit and who will fight alongside you, and the whole new sandy region of Lithlad, complete with “were-wyrms”.
Now, the loot crate nonsense. Remember when Monolith came out of their office, sadly fidgeting with their hat, and admitted it was silly to release the game with loot boxes? They said they’d be stripping all that stuff out within a few months? Well, let the stripping commence. An update released along with the expansion has “permanently removed” the ability to buy gold, the currency once used to buy loot boxes. Although “players will still be able to spend Gold and receive Gold via in-game challenges up until the Market closes permanently on July 17,” say the patch notes.
The orc slapper’s first expansion, Blade of Galadriel, followed Elven murder fan Eltariel. It’s unclear if Desolation will be the final story-focused expansion for the game, but if you love sand and large annelids, you can get it on Steam for £15.99/$19.99.