I'm amazed it took them two decades, to be honest, but there is now an official soft toy based on DOOM's floaty, cyclopic head o'death the Cacodemon. What was once meant to be a chilling avatar of demonic terror is now furry, squeezable and cute as big red button. Because I am an entirely-self interested father, I bought one for my daughter Connie's second birthday instead of getting her a sparkly Frozen dress, a Peppa Pig playset, a cordless hammer drill or whatever it is young girls are into these days. This means a) I can get her to review it for me here and b) I can claim it as a tax expense. I totally win at toddlers' birthdays.
Important note: Connie was at the tail-end of chicken pox when these videos were filmed, so any spots or blotchiness is not because we don't bother to wash her face.
Let's start by looking at how accurate a recreation of its pixel counterpart this toy is. I have grave concerns that compromises have been made, so I thought I'd double-check with Connie:
An important apology to Connie: following a fact-checking exercise, I discovered that the in-game Cacodemon's eye is, in fact, green too. It only turns yellow when it's about to eject a fireball from its gob:
There is no fireball accessory provided with this toy, therefore it is clearly a replication of the Cacodemon's passive state and as such is, in fact, screen-accurate. Connie was entirely justified in her observation and her enthusiasm. I have shamed my profession, I have shamed my daughter and I have shamed myself.
However, it transpires Connie is an equally unreliable critic. Here, she appears to demonstrate expert knowledge of the Cacodemon, but pay close attention and you'll realise something is amiss.
I know, I know! I'm shaking with disappointment. My own daughter. How could she let me down like this?
You know exactly what I'm talking about, don't you? The in-game Cacodemon also sports two additional, smaller horns on its chin - so eight in total. Connie didn't even look at the underside of the toy to see if it was accurate.
Fortunately, it was:
Well done, unnamed designer of licensed cuddly toys from horrifically violent videogames. But Connie, your reputation as a critic is now seriously compromised.
I'd hoped this was just a one-off mistake, and not a sign of a deeper rot. I had one more question which would either remove or compound my fears. I'd have to tread carefully, but if I posed it casually enough, perhaps I'd find my way to the truth.
Oh God. Oh God, no. I've made a huge mistake. She doesn't know what she's talking about. I was mislead into believing I was talking to an expert, but it turns out that this 24-month-old is not, in fact, intimately familiar enough with a 22-year-old videogame to hold an informed opinion about its sequels.
Out of politeness, I tried to wrap this exercise up naturally, as though nothing was amiss. And that's when things went from bad to worse.
So, 8/10? But an IGN 8, not an Edge 8.
I'm as shocked as you are by her flip-flopping, though. No integrity. No honesty. Games journalists today, eh?
Disclaimer: Connie goes to bed cuddling this thing every night:
Please seek other plush toy review sites if you feel her objectivity cannot be assured.
You can buy the Cacodemon direct from the Bethesda store, but I got it from Amazon so I don't have to wait a million years and pay customs to get it to the UK. Yes, it cost far more than a 6" red furry orb ever should, but I didn't know what else to get her. I was desperate. Also, tax. I actually think the toy's really great.