Have You Played… Spooky Castle?
Woohoo, Whoopdie-Doo
If you are one of those enlightened individuals who somehow came across this absolute gem back in the early 2000s, then don your rose-tinted spectacles and join me in this steaming hot tub of nostalgia. For those who haven't had the pleasure, allow me to introduce you to some of the most hilariously bad sound effects of any game ever.
In Spooky Castle, you play a googly-eyed pant-wearing hammer enthusiast traversing the eponymous Spooky Castle, collecting brains and slaughtering a splendid lineup of monsters in your quest to... I'm not actually sure. Possibly just to say you've done it.
The Castle is divided into different levels, some of which can get pretty giant, with stairways to multiple floors or colossal outdoor areas that take a good 5-10 minutes to clear out. And the baddies are just wonderful. No, I mean it. At the start you just get the regulars: zombies, mummies, skeletons, spiders. Your vanilla monsters. But as you delve deeper into the Castle the flavours of monster begin to get far more creative. You'll encounter things like six-limbed Super Zombies that pick you up and shake you until your brains fall out, or giant purple Mummy Spiders that spit venom at you as you approach, or colossal floating skulls that emit Death Star tech out of their mouths.
But let's take a moment to remember all the magnificent sound effects.
Listen to that. How each door opening sounded like someone sneezed against a $5 microphone. How the enemy bats would go "MEEP MEEP WHEEEE" as they flew about sinking their teeth into you. How each zombie would faceplant towards you with a resounding "braaaaaiiiiiiins". Honestly, I could go on and on about each and every sound effect.
Oh, how about the voice that sounds whenever you pick up Pants of Power to upgrade your attack (see how reserved I'm being here, just talking about the sound effects instead of all the other craziness in this game). That voice that just says "PANTS" really loudly whenever you don a new pair. Good god, this game was amazing. I'm gonna have to go download it again now.