Have You Played... The Deadly Tower of Monsters?

You know that age-old idea that games should be more like FILMS because films are ART, and games should be like ART too? Well, I think there's a very good reason games shouldn't be more like films, because then we'd have more games like The Deadly Tower of Monsters on our hands, which, frankly - *record scratch*

Sorry, everyone, Katharine from the future here, taking over with some director's commentary of this Have You Played, because past Katharine was about to step in a big steaming gorilla turd and slam us with a giant lawsuit!

Oh, past Katharine, she's such a lark. It's incredible that she, by which I also mean me, didn't get fired over this whole thing, because The Deadly Tower of Monsters is just such great, sci-fi B-movie levels of fun! *coughs* Take our hero, for example, Dick Starspeed. What a guy! Such a great actor with his rigid and unerring sense of justice. Just look at him go, running up that tower and punching those monkey men again and again until they disappear in a puff of special effects smoke. POW!

I must admit, I was greatly moved when he found the head of his robot companion fizzling on the ground after crash-landing on this alien planet. Do you know how much it cost to make the wires sizzle like that? A fortune! And the writing! Oh, man, I've never seen anything like it! I particularly liked the line: "Dick… malfunction! Dick… malfunction!" Whoever wrote that deserves a BAFTA, honestly. I just don't know how they do it.

Did I mention how fabulous the monsters look, too? I thought they were so clever, the way they deliberately made them look like plasticine stop-motion animals. You know, like films did in the olden days before they had computers! It was doubly impressive they applied the same technique to the frame rate, too, because that's the only possible explanation why it kept stuttering. Yeah, that's definitely what happened there, it has to be.

Oh, and the director's commentary from director Dan Smith was just the icing on the cake. He's not the actual director, you understand, but I just loved his little comments everywhere commenting in everything you do and why standing still for a bit was totally a deliberate part of the film making process because they wanted to be 'edgy' and 'different' - that really made it such a delight to play. And he has such a soothing, definitely not irritatingly confident voice, too!

In fact, I've just realised I've practically done a Dan for this entire article. So if you're thinking about giving it a go - somewhere like Steam, perhaps - then this is exactly the kind of constant commentary you can expect while you ascend up this deadly tower. And would you look at the time? It's time for me to go and change a graphics card or something. So that's all from me, your trusted Katharine from the future, and now I'll hand you back to Katharine from the past. Goodbye!

- is pretty terrible. Wait, what just happened?