We have all played Plants vs Zombies by now. And we all have a favourite plant, right? Maybe it's the triple pea plant. Maybe it's the sweetcorn catapult that lobs hunks of ghoul-paralysing butter. Maybe it's the impressively apocalyptic Jalapeño pepper. For me, there is no question. Tall-nut is my super-unit, the answer to all my problems, the nemesis of all zombies. My one true love.
Tall-Nut is Wall-Nut Plus: the least conceptually interesting of all Plants vs Zombies 40-something defensive units, the static wall that has no ability beyond mere delay. Wall-nut is a suicide bomber without the bombing: he is there only to be destroyed in the name of a noble cause. He's simply absorption, delaying the inevitable. His big bother Tall-Nut, though: brrrrrrr. No-one's getting past Tall-Nut.
Of all the many units deployed to PvZ's slightly too repetitive battlefields, the mighty Tall-Nut stands out the most by a country mile. Significantly bigger than anything else in the game, and with an expression that screams only rage, murder and contempt, nothing is his equal. If zombies somehow manage to chomp their way through his hairy chitin skull, you've failed - and not because Tall-Nut has some inherent weakness, but because you're so poor at the game that your last, ultimate defense is too little, too late. Tall-Nut can defeat pogo sticks, ladders, zombie dolphins... You name it, he's nemesised it. If he falls, it's only because you're bloody rubbish.
Tall-Nut. King of all the plants.
I mean, really, read his bio from PvZ's incredible almanac:
"People wonder if there's a rivalry between Wall-Nut and Tall-Nut. Tall-Nut laughs a rich, baritone laugh. "How could there be anything between us? We are brothers. If you knew what Wall-Nut has done for me..." Tall-Nut's voice trails off and he smiles knowingly."
Brrrrr. Marry me, Tall-Nut.
That stiff, strangely tiny lower-lip, those furious, vengeful eyes, the way he towers beyond anything else on that tile-based grass battlefield: truly, Tall-Nut is a hero for the ages.