The Apex Legends Grand Soirée lacks for wholesome bonding activities

The Apex Legends Grand Soirée has arrived, and it's all a tad familiar. Yes, the trailer pleasingly revealed Pathfinder's true nature as a Teletubby. But planned events for the two weeks include 'fighting at night' and 'fighting with shotguns and sniper rifles'. This is a perfectly acceptable use of people's time, but it's also a missed opportunity for Respawn to peel back the masks behind each legend and see what makes them tick.

Here is my alternative lineup of pleasant and wholesome activities.

14th to 15th: British Museum of History promotion event

Having been approached by The British Museum of History, Respawn agree to an in-game educational outreach program. This involves a virtual recreation of the museum's Troy: Myth and Reality exhibit. Players find themselves struggling to tour the museum as Gibraltar and Mirage get embroiled in an argument over the existence of the Horse, which only ends when Octane trampolines on top of a delightful ceramic face pot and everyone gets kicked.

16th to 17th: Noughts and Crosses tournament

The World's End map is replaced with a gigantic noughts and crosses board, and the Legends take turns drawing on it by riding around on Kings Canyon's dinosaurs that have trodden in paint. It's impossible to play as Pathfinder, as he refuses to. This becomes academic once players realise they can cheat by using Wraith to collapse all the realities in which she doesn't win.

18th to 19th: Caustic's weekend of poison

Every player is given a speed and damage enhancing power up, courtesy of Caustic's "special cola". The gang spends the next two days slowly choking on their own intestines.

20th to 21st: Caustic gets an intervention

As the last of the poison works its way through people's systems, the gang realise that Caustic is the one who's truly suffering. They sit him down and eventually get him talking. He reveals that he was bullied through childhood, and his enthusiasm for poisonous gas is mostly an attempt to make others feel as he does on the inside. Unloading this perks him right up, and he promises not to inflict chemical torture on anyone who he's not explicitly being paid to.

They spend the following twelve hours in an intensive group therapy session, each working through their own trauma caused by repeatedly dying in a sadistic bloodsport.

22nd to 23rd: Cèilidh

Wattson leads the gang in a big dance, channelling everyone's combat prowess into the Britannia Twostep. Everyone trips over Lifeline's drone, which resents being left out and refuses to wait at the side like it's been told to.

24th to 25th: Falconry

The gang go to a falconry centre, despite the protests of Bloodhound and their raven, who is eaten by a hawk.

26th to 27th: Regular murder

The gang go back to murdering each other, as they are lost and don't know better.