"Ooh look at that: EA have announced a new FIFA game! What a surprise!" someone on the bleeding edge of video game humour would once have declared. They'd turn to the audience, bow, and be showered in roses and adulation for their cutting wit. But being sarky doesn't fly any more, grandpa. This is 2017. Sarcasm is out and doomsaying is in.
"Ooh look at that: EA think humanity will survive to 2018!" I declare upon seeing the announcement of FIFA 18 [official site]. I turn to the audience, shrug, and fall in a crumpled heap. The audience stare at their phones. We've done it, gang.
FIFA 18 have declared Christian Ronaldo the "cover star" for FIFA 18, which I think is something to do with forgotten Old Earth technology. EA do not say anything about the game that is unrelated to Ronaldo. The game's announcement is Ronaldo, Ronaldo, Ronaldo.
Did you know that they motion-captured Ronaldo for FIFA 18? They did. EA add, "His data also informed important gameplay elements including fluidity, player responsiveness and explosiveness."
Did you know that FIFA 18 senior producer Aaron McHardy thinks Ronaldo is "the world's best player"? He does.
What does Ronaldo have to say about being on the cover? That it is "a real pleasure", and that "It's a great feeling and I am grateful to have been chosen."
Oh, and apparently YouTube-baiting sticker album mode FIFA Ultimate Team is bringing legendary players to all platforms. You better believe that Ronaldo is one of those 'FUT Icons'. Oh wait, that's the other Ronaldo - Ronaldo Nazário.
FIFA 18 is coming out on September 29th via Origin at £54-chuffing-99. EA say they'll gab more about it during their livestreamed E3-o-rama, EA Play. We will get to, for instance, "Find out how FIFA 18 is fueled by Cristiano Ronaldo". I assume means that Ronaldo's clones were melted down for fuel to power EA's computers. For now, here, look at Ronaldo: