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Free Loaders: Aristocratic pong in Fancy-Ass Tennis

The week's best free games

Tally ho, old cob. I suppose you’re popping in for a pinch of the free games what what. There’s a jolly briar of the stuff down there, I’ll say that to your bright ear, old dagger. Tennis is the main event, no surprise there. But the help has been spouting all this other waffle too and I dare say there’s something to be said about it. A cowboy game, a flying duel, a farcical romance. It’s untenable just how frivolous our lives can get or that’s what the help says frighteningly well-educated but don’t ask me how or why. Well, I’ll let you take a gander for yourself, old fox. Onwards and upwards etc.

Looking for more free games? Check out our round up of the best free PC games that you can download and play right now.

Fancy-Ass Tennis by Warlloyd

What what old bean. Up for a spot of tennis to the death? Good chap and good sport, old swill. Pop the ball with your racket as you do, yes. First to ten points is on the up and up, what do you say? By blighty’s bearded gentry you’re not too bad at this muckabout, old lime. What say you go up against the other lads. There’s four different brandies of a ball-chum here for you. There’s two old fellows old muckers old saucers, second chap is a veritable motorcade I say good heavens, third foe is a not inconsiderable amount of fish, and finally there’s some sort of bloody devil himself you know and he plays with a skull I say it’s a strange sort. Anyway, have a billy time serving and swinging, old toot. Tally what!

Help! by Retrific

You’re a cowboy and your girl has been nabbed. Isn’t it always the way? Take your six-shooter into the desert and sort things out. Shoot the bad men, some of whom have shotguns and are not pleasant. Find ammo or health hidden in barrels and chests, duck behind cover of rocks and fences to keep the bandits’ bullets of your back. Free your girl and bring her back the way you came, but watch out because a big posse of men is coming to stop you. I mostly just like this for its colour-drained simplicity, it’s satisfying screenshake and tidy spritework. There’s also some built-in cheats if you want to press F1 to F6 and see what those do. Bang bang bang bang bang bang, click click click click click click.

Cosmic Rochambo by dean sick

Two player cosmic bashing. Charge up your dash power and hit each other head-on to knock your opponent out of the stellar ring and into darkest void. There can be no respite, no mercy, no restraint - only one shall be victorious. What this really needs is some good ‘leccy beats and bash sounds, which I’m sure will be added at some point. Until then, fly and bash each other in a silent supersonic hero fight.

Catch Your Chance by Crista Castro and Bryan Singh

Oh man it’s date night at the cinema and you’ve got to get your arm around dat girl. Luckily, you’re the owner of a prodigiously long and stretchy frog arm. Weave it up and around your date as carefully and precisely as possible, catching the stars as you go. Each level gets progressively sillier. What starts as trying to get the arm ‘round ‘er, or attempting to scratch your own head in the most elaborate way imaginable, soon becomes an attempt to dodge birds nesting in the hair of your date’s mother. The last level involves a tongue. It’s very romantic.

Dr Swiperson MD by Questionable Quality and Ben Wilkinson

Humans are disgusting. They vomit, poop blood, and sneeze. Good thing you are a doctor with the ability to diagnose patients within seconds, with a single swipe of the screen. Okay, this is clearly a phone game, along the lines of the Tinder-esque Reigns, but it can be played on your computer too. If you reckon the patient needs antibiotics, swipe right. If you think they don’t, swipe left. The robot who says it has been vomiting “EVERYWHERE” may need some of that sweet penicillin. But the old man who says his cat is ill and that the pizza he recently ate was nice probably doesn’t need anything from you. Get the hell out of here, geezer! More of an educationalish game than one with a win/lose condition, but you can check the stats page to see how many patients you diagnosed and how antibiotic resistance is increasing with each person you give them to unnecessarily. You see, you've learned something.

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