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I'm guilty of doing very silly things to Bohemia in Europa Universalis 4

Sexy cartography

As a wayward youth, I spent many an hour scribbling willies of all shapes and sizes on school jotters. As a respectable, responsible adult, I’ve graduated to ruining multiplayer games instead. Specifically online games of Europa Universalis 4. Bohemia is my muse, and I’ll never stop trying to make it look like a winky.

Bohemia, now part of the Czech Republic, doesn’t look like a penis normally. But surrounded by small provinces as it is, it makes an excellent base for a phallic-centric kingdom. It’s a grower, is what I’m saying.

EU4 is, especially in multiplayer, a game of intrigue and deals, full of lively politicking and diplomacy at the point of a sword. It’s serious business, and I’ll be honest, probably not improved by the childish giggling of a man who is swallowing up territory and dragging Europe into wars all so he can craft a ginormous dick.

“Can you spare me some troops, Fraser?” They ask.

“Sorry,” I respond. “I’m really close to perfecting the shaft.”

So the next time you think that grand strategy and medieval management sounds a bit stuffy, think of me, working extremely hard to create Europe’s -- perhaps the world’s -- largest knob. Maybe you’ll try it yourself.

RPS is out of office today. We asked our friends to write short posts like the one above on subjects of their choosing. Read them all here.

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