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I'm guilty of doing very silly things to Bohemia in Europa Universalis 4

Sexy cartography

As a wayward youth, I spent many an hour scribbling willies of all shapes and sizes on school jotters. As a respectable, responsible adult, I’ve graduated to ruining multiplayer games instead. Specifically online games of Europa Universalis 4. Bohemia is my muse, and I’ll never stop trying to make it look like a winky.

Bohemia, now part of the Czech Republic, doesn’t look like a penis normally. But surrounded by small provinces as it is, it makes an excellent base for a phallic-centric kingdom. It’s a grower, is what I’m saying.

EU4 is, especially in multiplayer, a game of intrigue and deals, full of lively politicking and diplomacy at the point of a sword. It’s serious business, and I’ll be honest, probably not improved by the childish giggling of a man who is swallowing up territory and dragging Europe into wars all so he can craft a ginormous dick.

“Can you spare me some troops, Fraser?” They ask.

“Sorry,” I respond. “I’m really close to perfecting the shaft.”

So the next time you think that grand strategy and medieval management sounds a bit stuffy, think of me, working extremely hard to create Europe’s -- perhaps the world’s -- largest knob. Maybe you’ll try it yourself.

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Europa Universalis IV

PC, Mac

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Fraser Brown avatar

Fraser Brown


Premature Evaluation caretaker. Likes strategy games almost as much as he likes labradoodles.