Star Wars Battlefront [official site] may be stomping out this week with all the AT-ATs and TIE fighters and Skywalking your young heart could dream of, but I'm sure the question your longing for an answer to is: what'll be coming as DLC after launch? I know your type. Can't get enough of that DLC, you. "Mad for it," as they say in Manchester. Hold your horses, you DLC delinquents! I'll tell you all about Battlefront's £40 DLC Season Pass. Well. Mostly what I imagine is in it.
EA announced the Season Pass in October, but mostly said it'd get you four expansions, and two weeks' early access to expansions as they come out. They have now backed that up with numbers. What sort of numbers? These: 4 more playable heroes and villains; over 20 "pieces of galactic tech including weapons, vehicles, and Star Cards"; 16 multiplayer maps; 4 new game modes. That's not much use without more info, so I've done a little digging to uncover the truth.
Four new heroes and villains? Easy: Max the bunny, Simon the Killer Ewok, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (yes, as a villain!), and the Sith Lord Jar Jar Binks. If you're reading this, Ian Electronic Arts, no, I'm not breaking embargo here: that's plain old-fashioned journalistic ferreting (I spend a lot of time in DICE's bins).
I couldn't put together a full list of the extra tech, but I can confirm the presence of a jizz-box, a jizz, and the Clak Beepbox. How does that come together with rumours that jizz-wailer is a secret neutral class in Battlefront? I couldn't possibly tell. Oh, and those Star Cards? Yes, you will get to potato-print your very own Life Day cards.
I can't find a full list of the new maps either, but know they include three variants of Mos Eisley as well as, curiously, a post-obliteration (spoiler alert!) Alderaan.
Lastly, those four new game modes will be Hide & Seek, Ice Hockey, Minecraft, and Drawing Out RPS Posts.
Star Wars Battlefront is out in North America on Tuesday, but won't hit Europe until Thursday. We're a lot closer than 12 parsecs, Ian EA. That's a Star Wars joke. I'm disgusted that cultural osmosis means I know so much about a series I'm broadly indifferent to. Commence primary ignition and blow me away.