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Five lessons I've learnt through five deaths in Noita

A noit t' remember

I am in no way prepared to say that Noita is as good as Spelunky. They're both platforming roguelikes that fizz with the emergent problems and solutions of physics-driven cavern-exploring, but Noita only released on early access last week. This is exciting, because the main reason I'm not prepared to declare even this early form of Noita on par with one of the best roguelikes ever made is simply that I haven't yet played enough of it.

Instead of judgements, then, here are five lessons I've extracted from the depths so far. I've exploded so you don't have to, but you definitely still should. And will.

Before we get to my words of wisdom, here are six other ways RPS vidbud Astrid has found of dying. She'll even tell you how some of this stuff works.

My turn!

There is no safe way of trying out new wands

Not when you’ve picked up a perk that increases the AOE of every spell, anyway. Wands are unspeakably dangerous and it is mystifying that every 11 year-old at Hogwarts was allowed one.

Be careful of teleporters, there might be wasps

I accidentally clipped this GIF a bit short so you don't properly see me choose to enter the weird wibbly thing, but hopefully you can see enough to recognise this is an unfortunate collision between a teleporter and a bad idea. Namely, entering it.

Don't fight in the viscera of your defeated enemies

An exception to this rule might be if you've got the vampire perk that lets you heal by drinking blood. Generally, though: goo isn't just icky and awful, it slows you down something horrid.

Maybe just ignore the weird electricity stone

This one needs some context. I have found a weird stone that electrifies any water it's near, and while flying perilously close to a giant pool of water I choose to check if this means it will electrify me when I am wet. As far as I'm aware it does not, though my experiment was interrupted by a spider-thing knocking me into the aforementioned giant pool of water.

Sometimes life is unfair

Sometimes Noita coats you in acid, then gets an enemy with a shotgun to chase your swiftly dissolving bones into a pool of lava blocking the exit portal. This is fine. I am fine.

Noita might be as good as Spelunky.

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