Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself. OK, listen, please stop hitting yourself, just for a second. I have Tekken 7 news. The demon-thumping biff ‘em up is getting a big update this week, alongside its second season of characters, and it has released the patch notes for it’s current characters. As is customary for fighting games, there are a lot of tiny adjustments to frame data, meaning characters go a teeny-weeny bit faster or an ickle-wickle bit slower as they break each other's jaws. But the notes also highlight moves that’ll cause a “wall bounce”. That’s the new feature that will see your poor panda ricocheting off the cage and into your opponent’s follow-up boot. Ouch.
The patch notes are being posted in the news section of the Tekken World Tour website, which is normally dedicated to news about the ongoing slew of tournaments. But this is important to the participants of that punchfest, so up they go. So far, detailed notes have been added for Paul, Devil Jin, Heihechi, Lucky Chloe, Alisa, Noctis, Geese, Miguel, Alisa, Eddy, Akuma, and the two bears, Panda and Kuma. Changes to the other characters are still not posted, but fan site Tekkengamer says they’ve been given official translations from Bandai Namco, including changes for all characters.
[Update: Bandai Namco have now listed all the Tekken 7 character changes for season 2 themselves. Huzzah.]
Players may now commence arguing. Who among the skullcrackers has been made stronger and who has been made weaker? The pros are voicing their opinions. Irish facepuncher Fergus McGee is happy with improvements to violent cyclist Asuka. Miles “KawaiiFaceMiles” Mackenzie is equally impressed by changes to robot girl Alisa. But Yoon "LowHigh" Sun-woon mourns the "loss" of long-legged face-surfer Shaheen.
I’m giving you these professional opinions because I cannot say. I play as annoyed Spanish grunter Miguel, who, like me, is a punter who never learned to fight properly. The update will increase damage on a good number of his punches ‘n’ kicks, and some moves won’t push your enemy back as far anymore. That’s good, because Miguelito is often laughed at for his stubby arms. But said mini-limbs still appear to be there. So I dunno. I’ll have to go back into the ring later this week and get decked a few times to see if I notice any difference.
This will be an update for all players, regardless of whether they buy the season 2 expansion or not. The second season was announced earlier this month and is going to add six characters to the biffer’s roster. Fresh knuckle sandwich artists include toothy policeman Lei Wulong, introduced in Tekken 2 as a kind of Jackie Chan stand-in, and furious sister Anna Williams, once described in adjacent Tekken lore as the “Queen of Bitches”. Negan from The Walking Dead is also due to make a guest appearance, which is ominous. He’s violent.