Crusader Kings 3 sounds absolutely lovely, but the harsh reality I'm currently facing is that I just won't play it. I still need to finish Yakuza Kiwami 2, start Spiritfarer, and earn a crown in Fall Guys.
I simply cannot fathom fitting medieval strategy onto my list of shame but I am riveted by the stories other folks are telling about their wayward conquering. I just want to funny bits of emergent storytelling without the centuries of campaign preceding them. Fortunate for me, then, that Crusader Kings 3 tales are almost best when stripped of surrounding context. Here, I'll show you.
Let me point you to the tales of four royal spymasters. One player had nearly no use for a spymaster at all, finding that their cat was a better spy than any human by intercepting courtly confessions. Who was the real spymaster? Who cares? This cat is doing a purrfect job.
Another player finds that their spymaster was too effective. Go-getter spymaster Infanta Urraca procures a special murder powder for her ruler and recommends they give it a try. The intended target? Infanta Urraca herself, of course, because she's dedicated as hell to quality assurance.
Spymaster Bebbin is also so good at her job that she's made it to age 79, though she puts her position in some serious jeopardy by revealing her own affair with the king's 19-year-old nephew, no less. On the successful side, this ruler's daughter became spymaster at age 17, defending every woman in her family from murder plots for an astonishing 45 years.
In the world of romantic woes, one player laments a lack of control over the family line. "How do I stop people from sleeping with my wives and daughters?" they ask, sounding utterly defeated. "My wives and daughters are constantly being romanced/seduced, I think only like 1/3 of my children are actually mine on like 4 different playthroughs." We've all been there.
For more romance gone wrong, here's a terrible love poem written by one player's monarch to their beloved:
Your skin is like a burning stick
My heart yearns to see you
that I may know if you're warm or more like a corpse
You and I together is what makes the sun move in the sky
Is skin like a burning stick a compliment or a threat?
RPS's own Nate has been having a ball in Crusader Kings 3 so far. I genuinely laughed out loud while reading through some of his latest exploits. Most recently he's attempted to die as fast as possible while playing Strong Sancho.
"As his kingdom goes up in flames beyond the city walls, Sancho amuses himself by appointing a clutch of utter dunces as the council in charge of overseeing his realm, then attempts some random assassinations of courtiers. But every single time, the war claims his victims before he can, and he is left disappointed." Nate's also built an Estonian giant farm because of course he has.
Truly, I could just listen to stories about hapless rulers and misbegotten plots all week. Someone tell me if they happen to spot the Crusader Kings 3 party baron, the most exciting party guest in the kingdom, because I'd really like to hear stories about him too.