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Crusader Kings 3 is adding randomly generated torturous poetry

Time to send some classic medieval burns to your enemies

Crusader Kings 3 will soon let players send randomly generated poems to their friends and enemies. Whether you fancy a little romance, or want to send a sick diss to some lord who wronged you, there's a poem for it all. You'll even be able to use your witty verse to torture prisoners. Truly, what else is poetry for?

Assassin's Creed Valhalla has a minigame where you have to complete rhymes to build reputation, so you could say I know a thing or two about being tortured by poetry myself.

According to a new Paradox developer diary, poets in the medieval strategy game can descend to the cells of their captives to read them some of their worst works, causing "hideous" amounts of stress. Just look at this screenshot. Big "I'm about to ruin this man's entire week" vibes from the poet there.

A man telling some horrible poetry to a poor prisoner in Crusader Kings 3. The prisoner looks very distressed. The poet seems unconcerned.
Pictured: Me listening to a viking attempt to rhyme.

CK3's poetry trait is a new and improved version of the CK2 one, with reworked stats, characters interactions and randomised poetry generation. It can be used for oh so much more than annoying the hell out of people too. If you want to send someone a fine little ditty, you have four themes to choose from that will make the recipient like you a little more: romance, legacy (which also gives them some piety), strife (which also gives them a little prestige), and mourning (also reduces some of their stress).

There is a fifth theme, however, that I imagine will be the one used most frequently: incompetence. This sort of poem will "slam the subject for their weakness, incompetence, and method of eating asparagus".

Poets will be able to send their rhymes to almost any character with diplomatic range. Sending poems costs a little prestige, and the themes available will depend on who they're writing to.

You'll be able to send poems in both singleplayer and multiplayer, so get ready to send your pals some classic randomly generated medieval insults, such as:

Some lovely randomly generated poetry from Crusader Kings 3. One reads: "Some men simply make all others queasy, Their features awkward, their breathing weazy, Oh what cruel fates Destiny doles out, When all must behold such a terrible lout?"

The poetry trait will arrive in CK3's major 1.3 update, though Paradox haven't set a date for it just yet. That update will also be adding the chilly winter season, and is expected to drop alongside the game's first big DLC as well.

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