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Sonic The Hedgehog 2 movie better give Tails a horrible dog face

Repent, you absolute cowards

In 2019, those sniveling worms in Hollywood changed the appearance of Sonic in the movie so he'd look cute. They lacked the courage to hold their original intent of confronting audiences with the cosmic horror of a dimension populated by sapient animals with ratty fur and human teeth. No, they bowed to the demands of babies who believed Sonic should 'look like in the video games' and 'not make viewers lose any faith they may hold in a god'. Despicable. Well, a wee trailer for the Sonic movie sequel dropped today with the official name and a reminder that it has Tails. PLEASE, YOU CAN ATONE BY MAKING THIS FOX AWFUL.

That's there to announce that the movie sequel is plainly named Sonic The Hedgehog 2 and to remind that the release date is the 8th of April, 2022. It's nice to imagine outside will exist again by then, isn't it.

Technically the first film did already reveal a 'cute' Tails in a post-credits scene but I don't see why they shouldn't change him for the sequel. Everyone knows teasers aren't canon. Or say a chaos emerald did it, if you must. You don't even have to give him a dog face, I'd settle for photorealistic canine teeth between those puffy cartoon cheeks. Paramount Pictures, you still have time to grow a spine.

Here's a scene I'll give you for free, Paramount: Sonic has been cooking chili dogs, creating a right old mess in James Marden's kitchen. Tails flies in to investigate the commotion and is shocked by the flood of bowls, spoons, splats, and drips. Tails begins to wail to get James's attention (because he's a little suck-up and a sneak and a grass) but when he realises the mess means OH BOY TIME TO EAT CHILI DOGS his wail shifts into that vulpine coitus scream which makes you think one of your neighbours is being murdered.

Now that would be cinema. That would make audiences question whether these beasts think as we do. Why are so quick to relate to them? Is Tails a precious child we must protect, or an opportunistic scavenger who realises that by wearing shoes he can earn our trust and easy access to our bins? That would make us wonder what the essence of humanity is, and where its boundaries lie. That would be art.

Was the film any first good, by the way? I never got round to it but I do like Ben Schwartz. Let me know, yeah?

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Alice O'Connor avatar

Alice O'Connor

Associate Editor

Alice is likely in the sea.

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